Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? I think I am in Over My Head...

mkultra, yep, same guy. I wish mine were home, too, but really home, not roommate home. but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. and trust me, I have enough wishes for nobody to ever need to walk again.

This is all so confusing and horrible. My H is leaving early tomorrow to spend the day elsewhere (we can all guess where). How do I do this without losing my mind? This roomates thing is disgusting - I don't even understand how he can do it. I feel used and I am worried our DD is going to feel the effects of this. She is so happy, how do I tell him to leave until he is sure he wants to try again, is that DBing. DR just arrived today so am starting it tonight. Do I tell him to leave? Can I live with myself if I don't and how can he not know how this is killing me inside? Help - what is the right thing here!

Irish-
I'll preface this with the statement that I am NOT in a good frame of mind (H is moving out this weekend) and he just drove off to go out to the bars and I am here bawling my eyes out. 10 yr anniversary yesterday. He still sleeps in our bed and we still have a very active sex life. There is no OW, he just wants his freedom. (Check out my threads for background.)

Anyhoo-in the book Love Must be Tough, it says that you kick the adulterer to the curb. They are making their own decisions. Honestly, I don't know how you will be able to watch him do this. I think it is incredibly selfish and disrepsectful. Him being in your home means he gets to have you and the OW to get all of his needs met. So, instead of feeling how horrible it would be to be without you, he gets to take what he wants from you and then go and get other needs met by her. Sounds like the best of both worlds...FOR HIM!

As I said, I am not feeling sympathetic right now, and my H doesn't even have an OW; I can't imagine the horror of having it rubbed in my face.

Obviously, you have to do what's right for you; I don't envy your position now that he is back in the house. It's like ripping a bandaid off (again) slooooowllly.

Oh Agent99 stay strong and focused on you. I wish my H and I were having sex as at least I would have some stronger hope. That is such a connection for men that at least you know he has feelings left for you.

So I completely lost it last night. They say you fight, flee or freeze...well my mind went to flee. I woke up my H and told him I couldn't handle it, I needed to be by myself and I was leaving right then. He was floored and said how could I do this, leave my child, what did he do wrong etc etc. I just starred at him thinking why was it OK for you to walk out 3 times yet you can't understand my need to run. So I said this and he said it is different as he had an affair. As if that justifies everything. So I was very emotional and totally not "db'ing" and basically after more round and round circles I feel separation is the only option. He is so convinced he could never love me again, and he has to see if this other relationship can be anything. Oh and if not, then maybe we would have another chance - barf! I leave next week for vacation with my DD but I think after that time, I will have to make some serious decisions. I can't watch my husband leave to be with OW and then come home to be a "family" (his words) until the next time. This is so *^UTU^ked up!!! I am so frustrated with all this and I think I am going to do what is right for me even if it is completely wrong for him. Although losing him is wrong for me. I know he is going through so much more than just our M problems and he expects me to stand by him through all this while he gets the best of both worlds. I just don't think I am that strong. Oh and I started reading DR - it actually depresses me because I know we could fix our M but H is so sure it can't be I feel like giving him the book and saying - read this, or the other books I've read - read it and understand that we can be happy together. But that won't work and if he is not open to me how do I show him...I guess I'll just keep reading. Well, that felt good to get out - didn't solve anything but I think I will buy a journal today. Happy Saturday

Journaling: so one of our boundaries was if we are out at night to be home by midnight in case D wakes up (which happens) looking for one of us. Saturday night I wake-up at 1:50 am and realize H is not there. I am more worried than anything cause I didn't think he'd break a boundary (why do I continue to have any fatih in him?). I call his cell and he says he is almost home. I go back to bed - pissed although for the wrong reasons. He comes home and wants to talk. Says he and the OW have decided not to be intimate anymore for reasons he does not want to explain. But it has nothing to do with me. I ask him if he is OK as sex is very important to him. he says it was my decision. They are still going to be friends and hang out but more as friends. Sunday am H is in depressed mood and I know he called her (or I strongly believe). Later that day we talk a bit and his career and future are bothering him. I so wish I could help him feel better with this. I know he will make it through and I believe in him so much but he does not believe me when I say these things - any suggestions on a different tactic that shows I understand and am there for him with these feelings - it is so hard on him to have such an uncertain future?

Anyway later that night we talk a bit more and again he says the decision not to have that type of relationship is because of him - nothing to do with me, he doesn't need the added hassle, needs to focus on the lawsuit, figuring out we are going to do, his future, my future, our DD etc. Then says it is because things she did - hmm maybe not all roses and kisses in other relationship - boy do I hope so! They are still going to be "friends" though and see each other etc. I find this all so odd and if it has nothing to do with me, why did he tell me? DD and I leave for vacation later this week so he'll have a week by himself. I hope he misses me a bit. I know he will miss DD. Why can't he see that we should at least try to make this work? Just try, yes it will be hard and no there are no guarantees but how can I get his heart to open just a crack to let us try? God I wish I had a crystal ball.

Just think about the type of person who would date a married person. Even if they are told separation lies for justification it is pretty easy to figure they are not the most stable people. I figure these relationships are on pretty shaky ground even if they begin as work related friendships. Granted some go on but really, these people are pretty screwed up to take part in something that blatantly immoral.

I hear you mkultra! I have never hated someone before and I do now. Which makes me feel awful but I really would not care if she died - in fact I would smile. I know that is terrible but it is how I feel. The worst for me is she is separated several yrs now and her H did this to her with online porn and with affairs. So now it is OK for her to do it to another woman. I understand attraction and how she could have started talking to my H but once she found out he was M, it should have been hands off! Obviously commitment, integrity and honor are not virtues and I find it so hard my H would have anything to do with someone like that.

hello.. jumping in here to give unsolicited unprofessional advice :-)

From what i've ready of other people's stories:
you have a window of opportunity here. you have a chance to win him back.. but not by throwing yourself on him. instead, by being a good friend (but also, an attractive friend ;-) )

Hopefully, by now, you have figured out the things that (in his own mind at least) attracted your H to the OW instead of you. and the things that pushed him away from you.

So.. do the things he needs from you, stop doing the things he dislikes from you... and be patient.
it's too bad you are going to be away from him for a week.
Hopefully, it will make him miss you more, not be distant.

Why did he not tell you about him stopping with OW? becuase that would give you hope, and he doesnt want to do that. he hasnt decided to come back to you. if he had.... THEN he would have told you about it.

you already have opened his heart a crack. you are doing GREAT! he's talking to you about his future. talking to you as a friend he trusts. Keep doing it.. (but not pushy... just at the pace HE feels comfortable with...) keep being a close friend... you're doing great!

Thanks Dom R, unsolicited advice is always welcome! I am scared to hope and scared not to and I so hope you are right. I honestly don't know whether I believe him about not being intimate with OW but I can not figure out why he would wake me up to tell me if it was more lies. I am trying to be a good friend right now as you recommend and an attractive one! Today was the first day in weeks, he called me unsolicited just to tell me something not urgent or pressing. The first time I was in a meeting so missed the call but saw it on my missed calls and then a hour later he called again. I was totally cool, friendly etc. and didn't try to keep him on the phone or anything. It felt so good to hear from him during the day though. I pray you are right and his heart is open a crack so I will keep doing what I am doing in case I can widen it to a big hole! And yes I do hope he misses me a tiny bit at least when I am away as I know I miss him even when we are in the same room right now.

I,

If he called you in the middle of the day after not talking to you for a couple of weeks, he has been thinking about you. Continue being friendly and notice if he softens a little more. Sometimes you have to look for the little things in order to stay on your plan. Just stay focused and try not to backslide into anything detrimental to goals.