I have the last parenting class tomorrow, clearing the last obstacle to the D. If this is what she wants, she is getting it. I am getting going on the next chapter. She still calls me to chat at least every other day, but once I get the rest of my stuff out of the house, I need to nip that for a while. I want to forget about her. I want to become a stranger to her. I want her to feel life without me. I don't know if it will be bad or a relief to have me gone. I hope she is happy, otherwise this is all for nothing. But either way, that is what she is going to get. I need to forget about her and move on.
built4speed,
I really know how hard this is. It is good to see you have the right direction. You need to stay the course and be focused on your family and you.
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
Funny you say it that way. W was asking my about my new house:
W: "You have Corian?" B4S: "Yep." W (now frowning): "You have granite?" B4S: "Yep, and a well." W (now scowling): "You can keep the well."
She just knows how to look at things as half empty, not half full. She really does it to herself. That is a big reason we are getting D. That said, her house is a mess because I took a third of the contents. For some reason, she moved the kitchen table into the living room and now there is nowhere to sit in the kitchen. The kids are looking at her like she's an idiot. I haven't let her see my house, so her mind is free to make up any horrible (for her) scenario in her mind she wants to. Meaning, imagining how great my house is. The kids report it's great! I'll make sure those reports just keep on coming in!
I'll let her stew on that one for a few more months, if possible.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
Funny you say it that way. W was asking my about my new house:
W: "You have Corian?" B4S: "Yep." W (now frowning): "You have granite?" B4S: "Yep, and a well." W (now scowling): "You can keep the well."
She just knows how to look at things as half empty, not half full. She really does it to herself. That is a big reason we are getting D. That said, her house is a mess because I took a third of the contents. For some reason, she moved the kitchen table into the living room and now there is nowhere to sit in the kitchen. The kids are looking at her like she's an idiot. I haven't let her see my house, so her mind is free to make up any horrible (for her) scenario in her mind she wants to. Meaning, imagining how great my house is. The kids report it's great! I'll make sure those reports just keep on coming in!
I'll let her stew on that one for a few more months, if possible.
built4speed,
My ex-W got really angry when I told her of all of the changes I was going to make to MY house. Well, if she could only see it when it is finished.......
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
I have had the kids over the last two nights, for the first time since I moved out. The first night D14 was not happy. She said, "This sucks", meaning the D, and having to now keep her stuff in two places. I don't have a bed for her year, so she's sleeping on the couch, which she doesn't mind.
I had not let W see the new place, and she was very curious. I figured that today when she came over to pick up the boys (they have some things going on today, and she took the day off to get them done) she would want to see it, so I let her in. In the middle of the tour she stopped and started crying and gave me a huge hug and said she didn't want to be my enemy (we had had a fight on the phone this morning about paying for a school item for D14, which she clearly is responsible to cover, but she was asking if I would cover it. When I said no, a fight ensued). She told me she loved me, but that she needed space that I wouldn't give her (I refused to move out - but she could have) and she had to do the D. I said, well, now you've got space.
She is not as happy as I would have thought after spending so much effort to get us D.
In a few hours I will close on my new house. She has a court date on Tuesday to finalize the D. Yep, she will have plenty of space.
And she absolutely loves my house. She said it was the house she should have had, and said something about perhaps sometime we could trade. Weird.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
The space you are now giving her is allowing her to finally reflect on herself and you. She is now more able to see things more clearly and it would seem that she is seconded guessing her choices. Sounds like you are doing great creating your own life and not letting her hold you back. Continue doing what you are doing. Also good for you to not giving in to her request for you to handle D14 financial request.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
The counselor for the kids says the only issue that messes up the kids is our disagreements after the D. So the D will have little impact. I think she's full of it. That is why this is so hard.
Yeah man, that is a load of crap. You need to find a therapist who reads. The latest studies show the real mess that Divorce creates is practically life-long for the VAST majority of kids who are victims of it. I'm not going to scare you with the details, but it sucks.
It does sound like you're dealing with this well considering how badly you've had it for the last while. I really do hope things go as well as you could have ever hoped from here on out with you and your kids. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
[quote=built4speed]so I let her in. In the middle of the tour she stopped and started crying and gave me a huge hug and said she didn't want to be my enemy (we had had a fight on the phone this morning about paying for a school item for D14, which she clearly is responsible to cover, but she was asking if I would cover it. When I said no, a fight ensued). She told me she loved me, but that she needed space that I wouldn't give her (I refused to move out - but she could have) and she had to do the D. I said, well, now you've got space.
She is not as happy as I would have thought after spending so much effort to get us D. -------------------------------------------------
I dont know why I expected this B4..
I have been watching your sitch on the DBB since Feb of '06.. this all sounds so familiar to me for some reason ? Your stbxw is so unstable.. and something ? I really hope she decides at some point she needs.. and I mean NEEDS to see a pdoc...
Not for you.. or anyone else but herself and , obviously, the children. Out of your hands of course....
Question: ( and dont feel like you have to answer it btw...)
If she took efforts to help herself.. and you felt they were sincere and heartfelt.. would you .. could you consider attempting to renew.. change.. whatever you would like to call it.. your R with her ?
Question: ( and dont feel like you have to answer it btw...)
If she took efforts to help herself.. and you felt they were sincere and heartfelt.. would you .. could you consider attempting to renew.. change.. whatever you would like to call it.. your R with her ?
Tom
I'm not sure. The issue is this: so she claims she never felt that chemistry that we all are looking for in a mate. Fine, so she screwed up and married someone whom she felt like a brother with. That, among other things, is a big issue of hers. I, on the other hand, could surely sense that but married her anyway. The problems that caused (like her not being interested in sex, but me expecting her to be [when you marry someone, the expectation is that your partner wants to be with you, but often she didn't]) became so great that she bailed. And she didn't have the capability to work on the marriage. So, what in me decided that was good enough... to sacrifice my needs to be with her? Insecurity? Settling for less because that was available? Not figuring out women enough to attract a really good one? Figuring her family background would not matter? Not paying attention to my emotional side? Probably all of the above.
In my next M, I cannot just go with someone who is merely acceptable, that is "good enough". Who thinks I am just okay. I need someone I can't live without, and especially she will need to be totally into me. I have never had that with W. Everything was very conditional - I never had unconditional acceptance from W, always on probation. And, of course, my new partner and I need an amazing connection on all levels, especially emotional.
So, given that I will be able to get myself together enough to fix my issues, do I think she has the capacity to fix hers? Hmmm. Currently it does not appear so. She goes to counseling, but she's not working the big issues. She is not convinced she can. She knows there are big issues if she opens that box, and has said she doesn't want to go there. In that case, no way.
If she did do the work, we would still have the "roommates"-level attraction and not the "I need you now, and I mean right now" relationship. That is what I want. If she went through a few years and somehow decided I really was the one (and based on the traffic I'm getting not even being on the market, I doubt I'll be availabe in three years), I would consider it - after she pays me back the $50K I spent on the D!
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
If she did do the work, we would still have the "roommates"-level attraction and not the "I need you now, and I mean right now" relationship. That is what I want. If she went through a few years and somehow decided I really was the one (and based on the traffic I'm getting not even being on the market, I doubt I'll be availabe in three years), I would consider it - after she pays me back the $50K I spent on the D!
built4speed,
I understand that "I need you now, and I mean right now" totally..... That is DEFINATELY what I will have!
As for “ traffic I'm getting not even being on the market,” that is an excellent thing! There is nothing which I have found which makes a woman more attracted to you than other women attracted to you. They are like sharks circling... Except, they are fun to watch...
RMG
"The bad things in life open your eyes to the good things you weren't paying attention to before." from "Good Will Hunting"
