Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Living with my WAW 3

Theo and CVA,
Thanks for the support. Theo you are right that pursuing my own path, a path with heart, is critical. It is not at all clear to me that this will make any difference in our M, but it is critical to my happiness.

Right now I am feeling a bit blue, so it is hard to focus on anything. I think CVA is right that I need to recover from my travels over the weekend. Plus, I just talked to W and the kids in TX. They are all together and I am still in the office in Germany at 8 pm!

Not sure exactly what triggered it, but I am starting to mourn the loss of the family that I always wanted, but never really had. You know, loving wife, happy kids, all of us nurturing and supporting each other.

I so still want this, but just don't see that I will ever have it with my W. I know this is impatience speaking, but I really do question whether she is willing to do the hard work necessary to address her issues so that pursuing such an intimate relationship could be possible.

Anyway, tomorrow will be another day and probably a better one!

SD

SD
One thing to keep in my, if you change the way you interact, you can COUNT on the R being different. No guarantees, but at least you will know you have given it your all one way or another.

The other thing to keep in mind is to "expect the positive" or something like that, EVERY time you have any interaction.

Have you ever been around someone who was always positive? I dont know you, but I know myself. When I am positive, even if I am faking it, it is always remarkable to me the reaction from others. "Dont they know I am faking it, I wonder to myself" NO THEY DONT, THEY JUST SEE MR. POSITIVE, THAT IT. Make sense?

Hope this helps. I hear ya on the loss of the family you always wanted. Go read some of my stuff if you have time. That is what I feared losing the most and it is almost a self fulfilling prophecy.

Lets give it the best we have, OK?

CVA

SD



This is still possible. You know I have had the same feeling and doubts. This will not be an easy task nor is success guaranteed.
The good news is that you are well on your way towards this goal.
Firstly you have been building up self respect , keep doing this.
What will follow is your W will start to have renewed respect for you, then it will be possible that she may start making an effort in the right direction and you will start to respect her.
You can start building an entirely different and better R together.

One foot in front of the other thats the only way you will get there , If in fact one day you find she is not following your lead then it will be time to re assess your sitch.

Dave

Dave,

I agree with this and this is what is making me think that she is really gone. When we talk on the phone, she is also completely detached, just talk about business, etc. We will spend the next 2 weeks mostly apart during my vacation time. Me with the kids the whole time and her with her parents/siblings/OM?. When we discuss the logistics, it is just like we are talking about any other daily business.

Maybe this is just another phase, but I am struggling to find any baby steps. I just see status quo. I really need to finish restating my goals and I know that after 15 years of mistakes/lack of true intimacy, I cannot expect things to change overnight!

Since there is nothing I can do about it, I will continue on my path and trying to forge it into a path with heart.

On the upside, I met an old family friend who lives here in Germany last night for dinner. He lost his wife (depression/health issues) when she was less than 60. Now 10 years after she died he is happy and healthy. At 72 he still swims 1500 m on a regular basis, scuba dives, etc. Also has a very sweet/younger girlfriend. There is a lesson here for us all as well! PMA/patience is what it takes to handle all that life throws at us...this sitch is no different than many others that we will face in life.

SD

Hola! How goes it buddy? Coming my way soon?

Nomo

Well, as Nomo now knows, I am back in the U.S. and taking 2 weeks of R&R. The rest of my trip was a good mix of work and fun. Wed. and Thurs. evenings I went out with colleagues from work. Thurs. we played indoor soccer, basically in a ice-hockey rink with turf down on the floor and a net overhead. After 90 min of that with a bunch of 25-30 year olds who grew up playing soccer everyday, I was lucky to still be standing! Anyway, it was a lot of fun and a great end to a long trip.

W had left the kids with my parents and driven up to be with her parents while her dad went in for surgery. He is 82 and the anethesiologist refused to put him under w/o a cardiologist sign off, so that did not happen and stressed her out.

Anyway, she picked up the kids on Sat. a.m. so I could go to my cousin's wedding reception. (She declined to attend and also was not interested in staying in town with any of my family.) She dropped them off again today and headed to Austin to meet her sister. She will stay the week there (presumably also meeting with OM as well). I have the kids and am staying with my parents for the week.

While here, we will meet up the Nomo one evening, play some golf (putput and the real kind), go to the family bayhouse, and maybe catch a ball game. Then, I am going to take them to my uncle's lake house next weekend before meeting her in Austin for a few days.

The time she was here, I was nice to her and did not talk about anything R related. I also gave her a t-shirt from Prague (also bought them for the kids and me). The boy's had a dog (for S8) and cat(for S6)on them as S8 loves dogs and S6 cats. Mine had abstract painting of the city and W's had a paint brushed heart on it. I just said that I hoped that they liked them (they all did). She mentioned that she was going to meet her sister for lunch in Austin and only stayed for a few minutes.

All of our conversations for the past two weeks have been VERY short and only covered logistics with kids, etc. She has made a point to keep it at this and end the conversations as short as possible. I have also made no attempt to extend them. Right now, I feel like she has responded to all of my efforts with relief that I am not trying to stay in her life, but nothing else. Every day that goes by, I care a little less about the outcome of this all and just want her to move on. Unfortunately, with no way to support herself, this is not going to happen any time soon. I am not sure if this is detachment or just acceptance that my wife is gone for good.

I am back to needing to finish my goal revision so I can decide what to do next. Doing Nothing does not appear to be having much of an effect. I worked on these quite a bit, but am not sure what I really need/want. Really I am right now more interested in goals related to my life and not so much on how my actions impact her. Again, if she follows, I will know that there is something left to work on. If not, then I will also know.

Alright, that ought to be enough for one post!!

Stay cool my friends,
SD

I think you are definitely at a cross roads, as am I. You have things in perspective for yourself and kids and that is a good thing. I am also done with the do nothing and wait period. I think readjusting and evaluating needs to occur not only for hope in a M, but for ones personal pursuits as well.
I heard an interesting thing the other day from another marriage saving guru, that you should give it at least a year if not for this marriage for your next relationship. This made sense to me, but certainly is no easy task.
Glad you are getting some R and R, you deserve it.
Being in a funk must be in the air, this week I have began mourning the loss of my M all over again, I am still confident that it can be rebuilt, but my W falls in the same category as yours. Not sure if she will be willing to do the work, who knows, but we all must do what is right for us and the rest will work itself out. One way or the other, but we will be stronger for taking this path.

Cliffy,

Definitely! Interestingly, I have been wanting to move to Europe for about 3 years to further my career and have a cool experience for my family (travel, kids learn another language and experience a different culture). My W did not want to go even though she lived in Europe twice. I have no idea really what it is about other than control issue or maybe related to her depression/NMA.

In a strange co-incidence, the guy next to me on the plane back from Europe tried to get me to apply for a job managing product development for his company. I told him that I was not interested right now, but he sent me a description of the company and of the job and said that if I changed my mind or knew of someone else who "has the right attitude" and speaks German, I should let him know.

Maybe a 180 would be to go after this and other options in Europe and see where it takes me!


I completely agree, I am nowhere near done experimenting and trying to make sure that she has really made up her mind to exit our marriage. I think it is more about expectations and hope. I have so little expectation of her right now. I really am beginning to believe that this "new her" is here to stay (selfish, self-absorbed, superficial, depressed,???). Who really wants to be with that person? Not me. Sometimes I find myself wishing that OM would just take her!

SD

So when does the clock start ticking? I dont think I could go a year from now if there was no improvement in our sitch , perhaps a year from the bomb ?

SD seriously I admire your efforts as your sitch is quite difficult , but you have the right attitude and ideas

Dave

Dave,

Interestingly, my IC asked me a month ago (rhetorically) "How long are you willing to do this?"

The only answer I could give was "until I am satisfied that there is no way to make our M work".

I still believe in the concept that marriage is a lifelong commitment and that by honoring that commitment, it is possible to create a bond between two people that can be like no other. Since I have already created a family with my W, with two GREAT kids, a great group of friends, and many, many things in common between us, I see no reason to not try everything possible with this R before giving up on it.

Hey, they don't include "for better or worse, in good times and in bad" in the wedding vows for nothing!

In the end, there is no point in setting a time line for a stich like this. You don't know what tomorrow will bring, much less how things will look a week, month, or year from now. Best is to focus on yourself and to use this time to really understand what you want to do with your life!

Stay cool Dave,
SD