Thanks for the much needed support. I will try my hardest to follow it. It makes a lot of sense and I know that is what she is asking for. This afternoon we went to the state fair. I was hoping it would be a good way to have some nice family time together, but man was she distant. Really bothered me, but I tried like hell not to show it. Trying real hard to do the As If. Tonight we're going different ways and tomorrow morning I'm going mountain biking, so that should help clear my mind a bit.
I really like the Larson quote. I'll have to remember that.
Good diss, when you are together as a family, put your focus on your children, not her. Make sure you be the kind of dad you want to be when you are being a family. Your kids will notice if your focus is on your wife rather than them. My D13 actually had to tell me to quit worrying about mom and pay attention to us kids. That hit home real hard, do not put yourself in that position.
sofaraway is right on with that family time. when i did poorly while married was i didn't give my s the needed attention that i should have. luckily, when it all went bad i really focused on him and his needs. this has been not only a huge r builder for me and my s, but my w has noticed and i it has gotten her to thinking. we occasionly have a family date, and i act as if, i go into it with the attitude that i'm going to have a good time and i'm going to make sure s does. sometimes w sits and pouts and that is her problem, not mine, sometimes she can't help but have a good time. so try that.
as for the om, forget it, you'll turn yourself into knots worrying and stressing over it. as sd asked, is it a deal breaker? if not, then work on you. don't snoop, that will be a huge set back when your caught, and it won't confirm what is going on much anyway. just listen to what she is saying, don't react, just listen and let her know your listening.
Sofar and SD, I took your advice to heart and tried to put it into practice last night. Here's a bit of a summary for the weekend. We went to the state fair Saturday afternoon. I was hoping it would be good family memories and help to bring back good feelings. Don't think it had quite that affect. W seemed very distant. Kids were crazy. I left them at the fair to go to another party that evening. The party was a bit a pre-restaurant opening for my sister and BIL. Had a good time, played some beach volleyball and met some new people, but I was accutely aware that everyone there was a couple. Bothered me a bit not having W there.
On Sunday morning went mountain biking. Not sure that it really cleared my head. I was thinking about the R the whole time, but it was good to get out there in the woods. Spent the rest of the day home doing yardwork. W was doing stuff inside. Dinner was very good and then after putting the kids to bed, we watched TV together for a while.
Originally Posted By: sofaraway
She clearly wants you to listen to her. So do that. My suggestion, sit down with her, tell her you have been freaking out a bit, but you are finally hearing what she is saying. Tell her you wont ask her to read any books together anymore and you want to give her the time and space she needs to work through all of this.
One of the most succesful things I did with my wife was to tell her that I have a hard time with being in control. That I always fealt like I had to be driving the relationship car and in control. I told her that was wrong and that I was relinquishing the driving duties to her. I let her dictate the pace, what we do, and when.
I did just this just before we went to bed. Told her that I was sorry for pushing so hard to fix the relationship. That I hadn't really been listening to her needs for time and space, but that I understood now and would give that to her. Told her that our friendship meant so much to me and that I wanted her to feel comfortable just talking and that she could me anything. Left it at that.
I think she really appreciated this, so I'll see how this goes. This whole lack of intimacy / touching is just killing me. I just so acutely aware of how little we do touch now as compared to the past. Got two pecks on the lips this morning, but I so miss just a long, heartfelt hug.
Sofar, I see that you've been on the boards for a long time now. I need to go through your threads and figure out your situation, but was wondering if the DBing was successful in getting the R working again. Sometimes I wonder if this is the best way. I'll head to the bookstore today to find the 5 Languages.
Diss, Levels of success are measured by each of us individually. My level of success will be much different then yours. What you need to know about me is that I have been successful in finding myself again.
My wife is in Mid Life Crisis so my journey will probably take a very long time and may never result in our marriage continuing. Where I have been successful is that I am able to deal with my wife better while she goes through this. I have come to a place where even if she decides to divorce me, I know that I will be ok.
Understand very clearly that DBing is not about saving your marriage,it is about saving yourself. None of us can alter the future for our partners. They must want to do what needs to be done to make a marriage work. All that we can do is become strong independant people and support them emotionally through it in hopes that they will at some point desire to work on their marriages.
There are many around here who move on and leave their spouse because they outgrow them and no longer feel the same way about their marriages. Their are folks who find someone new and choose to move in a different direction.
If you want to read a thread that I consider to be one of the most succesful around here, go and read Tiara Boy's threads from day one. He was a mess, and he has become one of the best men I know on here. He is now divorced, has a girlfriend, and has moved on with his life. The thing is, he is so strong and secure in his decisions because he realized that he had outgrown his wife and she would never be what would make him happy the way she was being.
I can suggest many succesful threads to you that lean the other way as well. Go and read ROB1231 as well. He is in piecing as him and his wife are working things out. Jen Jam is another great success story that you can read as well.
My point is, do not base success on saving your marriage. Base it on you finding yourself again and moving ahead with your life no matter what direction that may take you. Base it on the fact that you may choose to move on without her and that you will be a great coparent and father no matter what.
Lastly, and this is the most important one to me, base your success on being able to look back and say that you did absolutely everything you needed to do to try and save your marriage the right way. That you were not spiteful, filled with hatred, or mean in your intentions. Base it on being a strong enough man to show your wife that you truly love her even on the way out the door if that is what is meant to be.
Not quite what I wanted to hear, but I guess its good to have the reality check. I was hoping to hear "Well of course, if you just do XYZ the wife will happily come back, all the issues will disappear and everyone will live happily ever after". Just not realistic. I need to prepare for all potential outcomes.
I have some questions not related to the R. How does one become a full member? How can I go back and edit a previous post? Very often, I find great gems of advice that I would love to go back to. What's the easiest to bookmark, link to, or otherwise find these again?
Hi Disillusioned. Sorry you're here. I'll probably not have too much to say that's helpful, but let me start in on the technical questions...
Quoting you in bold:
How does one become a full member?
Once you post a certain # of times, it switches. I think 100 is the magic #, but I could be wrong. Anyway, the membership status seems irrelevant here.
How can I go back and edit a previous post?
If you go back to that post within 10-30 min (forgot the exact time) of posting, you'll see that there is a button for editing. After a fixed time though, this option is lost and the post is there for all eternity...
What's the easiest to bookmark, link to, or otherwise find these again?
I used to hack out relevant parts and email them to myself. But the easiest way is, at the top of each thread under topic options, you can choose add topic to watched topics. Then under My stuff, you have your watch lists for topics, users and forums...
Let me just chime in on this that sfa wrote:
None of us can alter the future for our partners. They must want to do what needs to be done to make a marriage work. All that we can do is become strong independant people and support them emotionally through it in hopes that they will at some point desire to work on their marriages.
I might restate this in another way:
If your partner doesn't want the M to be saved, there isn't much you can do about it so you have no recourse but to save yourself.
If your partner is ambivalent about wanting to save the marriage (or watns to even), there may or may not be much you can do to directly affect the outcome... I think most people would probably agree that in most situations here there is little you can do to make them want to come back, but much you can do to make them NOT want to come back (hence the don't beg, don't pursue...)
The bottom line is that some marriages can be saved. You have no idea on which side of the fence yours sits.
One thing though, if you wish for your M to be salvaged.... Don't worry about the odds, don't worry about what's happening with anyone else but you and you situation.
A thousand monkeys typing for a thousand years..... One will type Shakespeare....
You have to believe that you're that monkey.
Take care,
S_O_T_S aka: Stoic_On_The_Surface
I can't quite get there cause my heart's forsaken me - KT Tunstall
Ian and SOTS give you great advice. At the end of this process, no matter which way the M goes, YOU will be a stronger, smarter, happier guy. DBing *is* about saving yourself, which is the only person you have the power to save anyway.
DBing is a life strategy...the tools you learn now are tools you'll need to use the rest of your life in whatever R you have...and that includes friends and coworkers. I'm a teacher, and I even DB my students and their parents!
It worked for my M, but even if it hadn't, I would be okay. I learned to LOVE myself, to not buy into the perceived opinions of others, to not create stories in my head about what was happening and instead checking it out with H to find out the truth. I love H, I CHOOSE H, but I don't NEED him to be happy. We're building a great M together now, but I stay lovingly detached even now that all's good. Why? Because DBing is a LIFE strategy.
Try to focus on *just* today. If today is too overwhelming, focus on the next hour. You only control *your* actions and choices, and you *always* have a choice. You are not a victim. Choose happiness. Choose to let go. When you start feeling despair or overwhelmed, post here or go do some kind of physical activity to work out that energy.
If the lack of physical touch is making you crazy (as it did me!), I have a few things I did to keep me sane. I started by getting a massage every month. If there's a massage school in your town, you can get great deals--it costs $39 for an hour here for a student under the supervision of an instructor. These are students who are in their last rounds of training, so they're really good and knowledgeable. If you have one of the instructors do it, it's $49. I also spent more time with friends and family, and I got hugs from them. Not the same as H, but it did make me feel less deprived.
Hang in there!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Major backslide. I had committed to giving space and time. Told her that last night. I had committed to not snooping anymore.
So this evening was nice. Had a nice dinner. Watched some TV with my guacamole and some gin & tonics. That was probably the problem. Getting a little bit of a buzz - both of us. I'm not sure where it went wrong, but we started talking about the relationship. I didn't want to bring it up directly. Holy crap. Earlier in the evening, my D was playing with the W phone and I saw a text message from the OG. The whole conversation is completely screwed up. Not sure where it went wrong, but I eventually asked her about the other guy. She said he really is just a friend, and I need to believe her, although she did say that he just filed for divorce. It all comes back to her feelings about me. That she doesn't feel that way and doesn't think that it can change. She's down on the couch now. Little or no hope left in my mind at this time. This sucks.
Go back and read the advice given to you; it's excellent and most anything I'd add would be redundent.
One thought for you though, one conversation isn't going to save your marriage and one conversation isn't going to kill it. One backslide isn't going to push her over the edge. Don't worry about it.
Focus on you and try not to drink around your W. I'm a happy drunk, when I still drink, so I hardly ever get mopy. If you drink and feel the need to dig deep into the mysteries of the universe, probably not a good idea to get buzzed with your W for a little while.
Also, look at some positives. She's not moved out yet. You have time to make changes for you.
Get some sleep. Do better tomorrow (and the day after that and the day after that . . . ).
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
