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Hi Atlas,
I don't know your whole story, but I think it's great that she is working her way back to you. If I can butt in, I'd like to suggest that you NOT say the part about the car payment right now, even if she asks. To me, this looks like a show of independence, like she wants to tell you that she can make a big decision on her own. If you say that about the car payment, she might think that you are assuming that she couldn't figure out what she can afford on her own. Maybe she has planned to cutback in other areas, or knows that she won't be paying rent since she'll be snuggled up with you in your home.
I hope this helps.
Teresa

teresa,

your right. she explained to me when she called to say she was buying that she could pay for it, she would responsible for it, she got a raise and took on more hours. so what does it come down to, i still want to control.

i need to give her a high five and ask for ride, then sit down shut and hold on. oh crap the db'ing coaster has shown up in my reality, lol.

Atlas:

I am sorry I misunderstood your earlier post. I thought that you would be making the payments on the new car. I think it is a good thing that she is taking on some responsibility for herself. It seems like you have been doing more than your fair share lately.

stewart,

you were not wrong, but i should explan, if she moves home, i'll feel like i'm making the payments. that is the control issue again, just from a diffrent view. since basically we have x amount of dollars and now this much has to go to that.

seriously, i have got to work on my control. it is going to drive her away if i don't. so at this point, i have viewed it as control in the decision, the type of car and the payment. i'm self sabatoging here.

teresa thanks, its nice to have a little of the female persuassion come on to your posts and sort of lay it out straight. you put a group of guys together long enough and they'll find something to break. i'm just over analyzing, its a car, big deal, we can afford it, big deal, it made her happy, good for her.

journaling:

well the pull back happened tonight. as expected, sort of torn up about it but not that bad.

so this morning w wanted a second honeymoon, for real. there is no way i could get the time off right now, expressed this and offered a shorter time, maybe a th, f, m thing. i think it was a shock to her heart to cut the time. but it just isn't feasible.

handled the car well, we drove around with the top down, stereo up having a good time. went back to the house and started watching one of her horror flicks. then it was time to talk.

so she can't move in now, she is too scared. she did say that yesterday when we each laid our cards on the table she meant it and still does, but now she is just so scared. so her position hasn't changed, it has just slowed. our mini honeymoon is now a few weeks away, but we did talk about a b&b and specific spot, people don't just go to b&b's unless there is something? do they? need a little reassurance here.

well here comes the scary as hell part. bil is in town tomorrow, the one that would just assume i die a slow painful death. so i told him to invite him over. if i don't extend the hand, he is going to kill everythig i have done. i hate to do this, but i think him and i are going to have some one on one. nothing about us, but about what i have done, going to have to swallow a lot of pride and suck it up.

i guess i'm in a position that dr doesn't address. all emotions, feelings, thoughts were all put out there last night by w and i. we now know that we each hurt, duh, but i mean there is no mystery, looking like i gal, nothing. it all out there. how do i play that now? i can't suddently go back to doing my own thing, she sat on the couch and let me rub her feet again. asked if we could watch a movie tomorrow.

i don't want to appear to pull back, but now i feel that she is pressured. i guess my answer is to walk the tight rope.

Atlas,

Let the car go. Remember that she did ask your opinion on the car. You keep admitting control issues, let it go. Easy for me to say, because I don't have control issues. True story. 6/7 years ago, my W comes home. Took the day off early. In a bad mood or something. Goes off to look at cars. Comes back, says she wants to buy a van. So, we buy a minivan. She was willing to trade in her S-10 that her parents bought her for graduation, so, I figured, fine.

I don't know that you're beyond DR, since it seems to me that a lot of the ideas are also good for building relationships. However, I think you might be past the 'pull back/go mysterious' type of thing. She wants to be back in your life. Go slowly. Enjoy being with your son. Not drinking. All that stuff. Keep talking. Still, listen and validate. As time goes on and she comes closer in, start bringing up your issues.

Sounds like she busted you on total agreement when she was buying the car. Didn't she say something like don't just agree, give me your opinion? Sounds like she's looking for you and honesty from you.

Second honeymoon sounds great. Why not start with the baby step of a B and B (yeah, you don't just 'go' to a B & B, I'm trying not to be envious here) and start planning a great second honeymoon for a year (or whenever) from now when you can plan it properly.

I'm assuming from what little you wrote that BIL loves his sister. Nut up and admit your mistakes. If they're close and you can get him to at least neutral or only slightly hostile, that's good, right?

BD

I've let the car go, it is really in persepective right now. she needed it.

things are good, you don't ask your estranged h to go to a b&b wihtout thinking postively, but she is in a place right now that i can see the cancel coming. never know. defiently an a thought, so i shouldn't let it get me.

as for bil, we get along great when we both work at. we have had our moments, and one in particular i have spoken to him about that i'm not sure he ever accepted my apology. i have as many issues with him as i do w. but he is a realist and nutting up would get some backing for sure. so, i think i'm doing the right thing by telling w i would like to see him. in front of everyone things will be very good, but i'm sure we will go for a drive and have some words, but honestly, i can't dispute anything he is going to say, i can't fight anymore in a negative direction only positive.

Two steps forward, one step back.

W called again today to talk about s, but it was how he is doing in his new daycare, so no real reason to call. Then she came by after work. We watched some tv and talked, I’m not sure but I think the talks are really just going no where.

Well there is now no mention of the second honeymoon, and while divorce talk didn’t come up in the context of that she wants it, it did come up. She said she was scared of hurting me, s, herself, family, not being financially secure, etc… w said that she just doesn’t think she can do it.

Then she said she just isn’t sure she can have our m. she still wants to work on it, but she isn’t sure at the same time. What really got to me was that she said she longer doubts that I will be a great spouse, and it would just kill her seeing me with someone else being treated the way that she wanted to be treated. I told her that I am going to be a great spouse, and it can be her in that picture.

So right now we are in a holding pattern. She needs to figure out what she wants, and I just have to keep db’ing. Also she brought up that when she is around me she likes it, but when we talk she feels physically sick and hates it. Funny thing is that I don’t bring it up, she does, I don’t know if I should stop all talks at this point. Even if I did, how do I get out of them completely, because it is her talking. I can’t just say I have something to do and walk, then I’m doing what I used to do. Probably should just keep listening, shut my mouth more often and let her get through all of this.

Other than that things are looking good. She spends her free time with me when I am off, which means she isn’t going out at night, she is at the house. We are together a lot and as long as we aren’t smoking, we are normal, talking, laughing and enjoying each other. Maybe I need to hang the smokes back up, that gets me out of the place and time that we talk and she wouldn’t think I’m avoiding. Ah ha! Just don’t know if I can quit during this. Especially if I don’t want to, but if I look at like it is this or my marriage, well that’s an easy choice.

oh i had to write about this. i got a look i have not seen in a long time.

w had to run home to return my phone charger. so she comes back and her new car's windshield wiper wasn't working. she asked if i could look at it.

had her pull into the garage, it was a loose bolt. well for her, she was amazed that i could hange a towel rack. i got the look, and she leaned in for a hug and gave a her kiss on the head. can't help with the kiss thing, i always did it. damn i miss that look.

Alright, well after the I don't want to hurt you last night, but oh I want to try. which is it????

This morning I get the pulling on the arm, don't go to work yet? You don't have to leave for 30 minutes!

Do you want me or not? I'm getting really short on patience and that is when I almost have her and make a mistake to screw it all up. I need to avoid her for a few days so I don't do or say anything stupid.

I don't get sad over this anymore, I get angry and while I'm doing so well on controlling it, it is really starting to build up right now. I need to physically vent today something fierce. No matter what I have to avoid R talk with her until I cool down.