Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Newbie ? How public was your spouse's affair?

H - interesting fact I came across today - 80% of all divorces are because of irreconcilable differences - you make a great point, but let's call it what it is ADULTERY and it's not the fault of the spouse hanging out at home posting in abbreviations on-line, searching for help. It's only irreconcialable if the adulterer doesn't want to own up to their own immature behavior...as you have so eloquently depicted...

BTW, pictures??!!

Exactly, I just signed the waiver for my divorce so my H can file irreconcilable differences after a 6 mo. separation rather than the 2 years. Ours is irreconcilable because my H is living with his mistress. If the D was fault, he was going to use mental cruelty on my part. My H won't own up to anything...it's all foolish pride...maybe he'll grow up someday but all I can hope is that I find a real man that genuinely cares about me in the meantime.

Mark,

I say, if she goes ahead with the divorce...

You are no longer required to keep her dirty little secret.

My H tried to have one perfect day before telling me. He fixed my D6's bike, set up her birthday desk for the first grade, ran through the sprinklers with S2, watched Bourne Identity with me, visited neighbours and family for a birthday party. He lingered and got teary eyed and almost for a sliver of a moment I thought he was going to say he wanted to come home. Then he confirmed what I had already asked him over and over. Yes, he was seeing someone. No, he was not cheating because I kicked him out. No, she is not 21 rather 23. I told him that I get emails and hugs of condolensces from my mom's employees and old friends like they "got my back". He said they were imagining things. I told him not to call my mom a liar if she was telling me the truth. He called us much worse. Guilt.

Hey, Theo. I respect your opinion a great deal. I made her a promise that I would not tell anybody about the affair. However, I have made some changes, which I have shared with WAW, to this promise. For example, I told her that, in the event of the demise of our marriage, I reserve the right to tell any woman that I am serious with.

The reason I have kept the secret is that I do not want to soil her reputation unnecessarily. I truly believe that we will one day be reconciled. In the event, after the divorce, that her relationship with OM gets even more serious and reconciliation looks unlikely, I fully intend to let the cat out.

Honestly, because of the circumstances, I don't believe that I will need to tell anybody anything. They will figure it out...

I have no idea what my H thinks about his reputation. The choices are: people are appalled, people are not surprised, or people don't care this is so common and cliche. I am always slipping to my therapist that it seems like a lot of men have affairs with younger women when they have MLC. She corrects me each time and replies a lot of men are faithful to their wives and stay with their children. Oh yeah. I forgot!

My H has no idea he even cheated! We were discussing a coworker who threw out her cheating boyfriend. I said how shocking it was for the boyfriend to sleep with his best friend's wife and his girlfriend's coworker. My H said,"I told her dad she was too good for him anyway." My H actiually thinks he is just a single man with a new girlfriend and for me to get over it. I am just an old friend who he has to deal with because he wants to see his kids every now and then. Now that I have written it down, the picture gets clearer. He really is over me, has been for a while (9years-the number grows each week!) and he really wants me to move on. I am just a burden or a martyr in his eyes. The OW is freedom and hope of a new and better life. I kniw she will dump him soon , but c'mon then he is just sloppy seconds!

I'm crying. I have not yet typed while crying. I just had another aftershock. I saw a commercial for an online dating service so I peaked. Then I started thinking about my own profile. I feel as though I have custom tailored my whole being to only one soul mate, my H. Now I am supposed to start all over after 23 years of friendship? It is really strange because I know we came together because we were both so unique. We are both nonconformist, bicultural with traumatic childhoods and oddball taste in music and film. We were inseperable as children, always together. All my likes, and desires, and hobbies are intertwined with him. I have spent so much time being angry or bitter I have lost sight that he was so much more than a husband. He was my oldest friend from my childhood. Do you know what it is like to feel like a freak and then find that other freak who accepts you completely, more, loves you with all those flaws? I thought my crying days were over. I thought I could move on and GAL. Now that I see the type of people there are to date, Iknow I have lost my only chance at a soul mate. I don't see how he could replace me so easily. It sounds incredulous.

My H had lunch with his best friends last night while I was on vacation. He finally told them that we are getting a D and that he has moved out. I do not know if he mentioned having a OW or if he introduced her to them. He said I could meet her if I wanted. How crazy. My mom says he is proud of her, her youth, her frame, her beauty, so he wants to show her off. She also says she looks 16, has armful of tattoos, a cow piercing through her nose, and is on drugs with no car so my H has to take care of her. Very twisted. I amtempted to call his best friends' wives to see if they know whathe has done but I guess curiosity killed the cat.

H came to our godson's birthday yesterday. H spent hours with us getting the present, picnicing, acting like a real family. My friends cornered me and asked, "What is HE doing here?" I replied, "I don't know? He just followed us around today acting all normal?" Everyone has now heard he is a cheat. Not from me but from my mother and a coworker, then it spread. That is humiliating but I am actually getting lots of hugs and encouragement especially when people see how cool I am to him. His denial is the only bad thing. He acts so entitled and not even guilty.