Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives CVA - "Back in Shape"

It's probably like offering me a beer. She can't resist.

Did I fail to mention I am a former massage therapist and Calvin Klein Underwear model...AKA Mark Wahlberg? Just kidding.

LOL!

Hey Nomo, quick question.

On the thing w/ S9 and Dallas, I did apologize to her and told her that I really was not thinking about how him staying w/ me would cause a problem, but I understood her point and I would talk to him.

You think I should go back w/ something like, "was thinking about this and I wanted to tell you that you are absolutely right, no big deal, I will tell S9 he needs to go see his grandparents and cousins, end of story but very nicely" It is really bothering me that she may think I am trying to manipulate our son which I am totally not trying to do. IT came up as we did our pre-bedtime talk and it just went that way.

This is one of her big issues w/ me. That I try to control her going to see her family and make her feel guilty for going.

Totally untrue but I can see how she feels this way so again, should I go there?

Hey, CVA, I'm not Nomo, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night.

My only suggestion is that you do it together and stress the importance of seeing the grandparents (they love to see you, blah, blah). If she's concerned about manipulation, doing it together may put that concern of hers at ease.

BD

Well, you can always let it go, and that is probably safe. When in doubt, don't act. But you may have a chance for some healing, connection, growth here. And to demonstrate change.

Let me ask you what you think got her so upset. She sounded pretty upset in your post. Was she? And assuming so, was it because



which is what you apologized for already (last night), or



or



or was it because she felt like you undercut her authority/plans/decisions with S9 and didn't discuss it with her. (This last one was what I thought of.)

If you know why she is upset, apologize for it if you haven't already. If you don't know, give her a chance to tell you. And if she won't open up to your invitation, tell her you wonder if it was x or y and see if she agrees.

I had something like this in my sitch. I suggest reviewing my journal entry and other thoughts about it. This happened a few days after we started our S. Here is the link: See the 6/13/07 11:59 pm post. There might also be some nuggets in the follow-up posts (eg, 6/14/07 at 11:42).

Hope it helps,
Nomo
Nomo

Thanks Nomo
I am going to think about how to approach this w/ the guideline you throw out as you so rightly "break it down" to its pieces.

Just dont want to apologize twice for the same thing as it looks like I cant drop the issue (another complaint of hers, I keep rehashing old issues - who wouldnt when your W never tells you if she is really done w/ things, which based on what I have read, she never is / was).

Thanks again

I think there is a way to approach it very compassionately and build some good will and send a good message. Once the convo starts, think Listen/Mirror, Validate and Emapthize. Think of it as you want to (1) learn what she was thinking, how she feels and show her you care about that and (2) you want to learn from the exchange between you so you can get along better next time. The substance of the issue is relaly unimportant. Who cares if S9 goes or not? It's about how you two interacted. That's what matters. That is what will repeat itself over and over (on all kinds of different topics). These are the dominoes Michele talks about. You are looking for something different.

A bit of Journaling 7.30.07

- Asked W if it was OK if I come to the house - "yes"
- Decent night, her BFF and other strong supporter of our M have asked my W to go to a movie on Wed night. Relatively obvious to me that the other friend is setting up something to have a chat w/ W about where things stand. This is not the "usual crowd" so it stands a good chance that this is what is happening.
- As good as that is for our M, it kinda of hurt my feelings that my W and I have not been out at all together in over 8 mos now (5 mos separated, 3 mos me recovering) so I made the mistake of asking "when do you think we can go out?"...."I dont know" was the answer. OK, MOVING ON.
- Looking for a mountain bike to get another GAL idea going.
- Talked to H of BFF, he said nothing really came out of dinner w/ W last week but at the family dinner together last Friday, he definitely noticed a "shift" in my W's attitude toward me.
- Gave W a bit of an apology again last night, making sure she knew I was not trying to undermine the trip to Dallas w/ S9 issue of wanting to stay w/ me. "OK" was her answer. Gotta love all that dialogue!

Another day, one day at a time
- Workouts going well. I always feel better about myself when I workout, this HAS to remain a part of my life I lost for so long.

Getting caught up with everyone's sitch today...

Hey CVA

Sorry to hear about the little bump in the road with the Dallas trip & your son.

On the positive...You are at the house quite often, still having the backrubs...you are doing far better than most of us on this board. I can't help but wonder what it will take to get you to the next level with your W?

You have said in the past the W is not the type to make the first move...do you think it would be a huge backslide if you tried to ask her to do something alone with you? Something non-threatening that you would both enjoy?