Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? It's going to be a bumpy ride

INteresting... sounds like he's only borderline MLC, not fully wallowing in it.

Please dont push him over the edge now.
Like you said.. he flip-flops, between noticing you, and being irrational. in the rational times, is when you have to talk to him. in the irrational stages.. DONT TALK TO HIM. just avoid him as much as possible.
Some people say, they can recognize when "the alien spouse" comes out. I'm no good at it. but maybe you can learn better.. being female an all



Suggested talks for you; something along the lines of,


How do people who get married to their "first love", and stay together for 60 years, do it?

silly example:
If the guy marries a blonde, and he suddenly wonders 10 years in.. "Hmm.. ya know.. maybe i should have married a brunette instead.... they're less high-maintainance, ..."

Does he need to go and date a brunette for 6 months, "to be sure"?

(hint: the answer is "no"
I think it then becomes a matter of whether you make suggestions to him, or whether you try to elicit suggestions out of him, as to what this guy should do. The answers will then be very relevant to your situation!





I think that's a little part of him yelling at you what he needs.
He needs to NOT be distanced from you

I'd suggest listening to what he's telling you more closely this time.
that is to say: stop making it so easy for him to be distancing himself. Dont be clingy... but at the same time, I think you are doing the RIGHT thing, by making yourself "available" to him.
(booty-call, especially)

I think that you would do well to try to figure out ways to entice him, to do more stuff together. fun stuff.

here's a wild and crazy thought... find out where he is going bar-hopping one night.

Then get a wig, and dress up really sexy. Slutty even, if he's the type to go for that. Something that looks completely different from anything you'd ever normally wear. heavy makeup
Then go sneak in, and see if you get his attention, and come on to him, without him realizing it is you, for as long as possible.

(dont forget to change your voice. high to low, or vice versa)

sound like a fun challege?

side note: damn.. next month, is our 10th anniversary too. sigh.
wonder if I can get her to do something for it...


PS: in the "booty call department".. also maybe think of doing a 180 in that area... if you're rarely aggressive with it.. then, one time after he starts it... go for it, and show him how much you "want him" (and are going to "have" him!). Contrariwise, if you're usually fairly active... one time, try to play the helpless, submissive "oh my, i'm simply all limp and helpless from your masculinity, have your way with me" role

Oh, please. The first thing you need to decide is, do you want this man no matter how he treats you, or do you want your self-respect.

ROFLMAO



Do you mean that I should skip doing anything with him-- or just not mention it again and see what happens?

heh.

well, obviously, you're getting two diametrically opposed types of advice:

A) "stand tough, make him suffer"

B) "keep being welcoming and leave the door open".

I think that each has its place, depending on what state of mind your husband is in. it's tough to tell which would work best.

In some cases, i've read of that "tough attitude" waking the spouse up. But in other cases, it drives them away. At least for a while.
it's a tough judgement call to make.

Its also in how you do it. If you take the tough stance, it's important to do it in a way that doesnt also burn any bridge back to reconciliation. Or puts you in a "you'll come crawling back to me" type position.


PS: there's also a compromise position to what mike said: rather than "dinner out, and no sex" in contrast to "home cooked meal and sex"... there's always the traditional, "well, at LEAST buy me a nice dinner!!" approach. There's a boundary for ya

I guess at this point I would suggest that you not mention it again. He clearly does not want to acknowledge it properly--and neither of you really knows what would be proper.

I would wait and see if he suggests anything that sounds remotely like fun. Your backup plan should be to go out for dinner and then karaoke (or something). If he suggests hanging out at home and getting "fired up" then you can tell him your plans and tell him he is welcome to come along.

If you end up going out alone, stay out late, and I would suggest being "tired" when you get home.

Sounds like a good plan re the anniversary. Sucks that it's signifigant like our 10 year. Oh well.

I am quite torn between the "stand tough" and the "keep welcoming" positions. I think I keep being welcoming because I don't want that connection turned off...

Once he leaves the house, I am going to be making some changes; some of which will be more "apparent" if there is time in between of him not seeing me. Kinda like when you see your own child grow, the transformation doesn't appear huge. But when you see a child that you haven't seen for a year- you are shocked at their growth.

I am not relishing the idea of him being gone; I sometimes wake in the middle of the night and get panicky thinking about how he soon won't be next to me in bed; and that this may be the last time in my life that I wake and he is there. ugh

Yeah, typically, I think people decide to do the "stand tough" thing, after they move out.

I think that the best thing, is to make his stay while in your home, as NICE as it POSSIBLY can be. make sure he is left with positive memories. no blow-ups, no ....

Then, if you choose to go tough after he moves out, he is left with a heap of positive memories of you, while he is sitting in a (hopefully) empty apartment.

Well, that is exactly it!

You just articulated the plan. My resistance to being a bee'otch has been that I don't want him to feel "justified" in leaving. I want him to have seeds of doubt planted everywhere. And honestly, I feel lucky that he still wants to have 'relations', etc since so many others here have spouses that claim to hate them, etc.

Once he has actually made the move, I can employ a different tactic.

If you give him no reason to move out, he may indeed stay. And what is to keep him from going out and doing whatever he wants, any day of the week?

One of these days he will not "strike out" at the bar, and instead of tm'ing you to get "fired up" he will go home with some ho. Hopefully you will recognize the change in him, and know that he has had sex with someone else (I was going to say "been unfaithful" but that ship has sailed). Then I hope that at least you have a box of condoms in the night stand to protect yourself with.

Nothing. Which is why he needs to move out. I don't want to witness it....ah, I see....IOW, he is getting to have his cake and eat it too, and I am letting him do it.



Gulp. you aren't one to mince words, are you.
Talk about tough love.

I feel like I am in a no-win situation.
If I cut him off, then it seems even MORE likely that he will go out and find some 'ho' to do it with. How does that save my marriage?

If I don't cut him off, but turn into strictly booty call, I may have kept him 'pure' sexually, but demeaned myself in the meantime as he goes out and does his thing without me.

On the other hand- we have agreed to see each other while he is moved out, so if we go OUT and have a nice DATE, is it that inappropriate to have a nice "time" after?

He has told his parents there is a chance that we would be able to work our marriage out. My goal is to keep that thought alive in his mind (somewhere, if not in the forefront.)