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Kelley,

Honestly I knew it was the wrong thing to do the next day. The physical move part. Intially I did not think of anything except what makes me feel good, I went into selfish mode from about Jan. to March moved out March 4th back in two weeks later.

The problem is I was so self absorbed in how I felt I did not take time to think of my W. and S. Once I was out which was towards the end of this phase I realized that she was trying her best, and I just kicked her in teeth by moving out on them. Some Father and husband!

Now the issue is she wants time to think and she isn't sure if she wants to be with me! (I got the talk after I came home and just thought everything should be fine speech). Then I was she would not have asked me to come home and she only let me come back because our S.

I thought about my S. and W. All the time after the move, during my self absorbed time not so much. Not proud of that either, but that is the truth.

Thanks for being here! I will have questions later (have to get some work done), and would be happy to offer my thoughts on your sitch and any questions you may have. Can you tell us more details about how the affair came to be, how long it lasted, how your W found out, and how it ended (quickly or over time)?

Thanks, and welcome,
Nomopo

The affair came through work, it lasted about 6 months give or take 1. My W found out because I told her. The affair actually happened about 4 years ago before my S. It ended rather quickly. I told her because the guilt just kept eating at me and I couldn't take it anymore, nearly had a nervous breakdown in December of 06.

It is interesting to see the WAS point of view. Not taking into account that you had an A. I see that you are suffering also. I think it is easy for the of us LBS to feel like the victim and the that WAS is getting of easy and they are not suffering like us. But, it is evident that they are suffering also and are not as happy or as well of as we may think.

It is interesting to see the WAS point of view. Not taking into account that you had an A. I see that you are suffering also. I think it is easy for those of us LBS, to feel like the victim and that the WAS is getting of easy and they are not suffering like us. But, it is evident that they are suffering also and are not as happy or as well off as we may think.

Yes I did suffer and did things and said things because I did not know how I felt. An A. can mask the issue if it still going on at the time of move out, but once it wears off or rational thoughts come back the WAS will realize they never delt with the real issues. (Themselves, the relationship, and the consequences).

My H left 2 1/2 months ago. In the beginning I did the pleading and begging. Now I leave him alone. If he talks to me I'll talk back. I don't push anything or talk about our R. The only thing that he brought up about D was the day after he left and said he was going to drag his feet. He hasn't said anything about taking his name off bills, joint accounts, or seeing a lawyer. All he took with him were the clothes he needed. I see him hurting as well. He told me this pain he knows what to expect and when. If he opens up again then he won't know when or where or how the pain will hurt him. He said he doesn't trust anyone including me right now. Sometimes he still talks to me about issues he may be having all the while saying he's not supposed to be leaning on me. Lately he's backed off and isn't really talking to me. He just changed jobs and is still putting me on his insurance.

Having said all that I guess I'm wondering how done with our marriage he really is? Most of the time I can think he's not as done as he likes to say. I have my days though where it feels like he really is done. I believe he's confused and just doesn't know what to do. He once told our S7 that he was afraid to come home....

Any thoughts?

Sadhearted,

Of course we don't know how done anyone is, and we must realize being done today can change tomorrow. He has given you the answer through your son, he doesn't trust anyone, that includes himself and chances are he feels remorse for leaving and is worried what happens if he comes back. Whatever you do if he comes back don't bring up why did you leave right away wait a while to put that beast to bed.

I am sure he wants to be sure, do what you are doing be cordial, warm if it feels right and do things for the kids and yourself. Maybe invite him to partake in some family activities.

Did he leave on his own or did you ask him to?

I agree in he is worried that if I have changed (I wasn't supportive enough) that in 3 months time I'll be back to not supportive again.

He tends to start talking maybe start to walk toward me then he realizes what he's doing and he backs off. Then I won't hear from him for awhile.

He left on his own. He left because I wasn't there for him and he couldn't live like we had been anymore and that he needed to get his sanity back. Though will still say he still doesn't have his sanity and still isn't happy or better off.

Sadhearted,

Sounds like you have a good chance to bring him back, if you want him back give him a reason to come back, then slowly start integrating your M. and try retreats or counseling or something.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." Einstein said this I believe. I don't know for sure but if he feels like I did I wanted nothing more than to hear come on the kids and I want you back at the house.

That was me though! Everybody is different, I just believe in trying things, if you have tried this already then probably not the right course of action.