Well today I was called at 3am from her work (she works nights). She told me that shes thought about it and thinks we should take a break instead of my 30 day trial of working things out. We could still be friends but not in a relationship during the break, and we could still sleep together. (I've never been in a relationship previously with any girl that was into sex as she is...) I declined this, and she ran out of time to talk as her break ended. Then she chose not to call me back in future breaks.
It's now 9am Thursday. She's supposed to be home at 7. She's not home. I called her cellphone - no answer. I called her relative a minute ago. No answer. She was supposed to pay me back some money she borrowed today after work, and pay for her 1/2 of the cellphone bill which she's pleaded for me earlier this week not to have disconnected during all of this (the two lines are on my bill; she has worse credit than I). I was using this as my reason for calling.
I'm feeling stupid about the phone bill. I mean, without a homephone, she is using that as her primarily means of communication when shes not at work with this guy. She's using a tool I'm providing to divide us. I also feel like she isn't going to pay me today and is probably lying about whereabouts (right now). It sounds petty but I'm thinking of having her number disconnected today.
This would also finally solve my wanting to call her all the time and thinking about her calling me as it just wouldn't be possible and that might make that part easier right now.
First off if you want to work it out I would not recommend disconnecting the phone unless you want her gone. Secondly, I recommend worrying less about who she is with and more about what you need to do for yourself. I read it earlier but do something for yourself. It is difficult to not obsess about your significant others whereabouts, but I would go along with whatever she says for now. I also would not contact her for a few days and if she calls, do not return the call or return it the next day. Your not in a rush, to talk to her also sorry to say you are in game mode. Unfortunately you need to change tactics what you are doing is not working so try the opposite, but I recommend being available if she wants to see you, but let her initate the contact.
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
I do not think it would be a good idea to dicconect the phone from her now.
Look at it this way she may be using it to talk to him but, she also uses it to talk to you and that is still staying connected to a point.
My suggestion is to ask to discuss it in person and maybe come to a comprmise on the break. Do not argue with her. If she won't compimise you need to except that. You can not change her you can only change you.
When and if you do talk to her do some DBing and 180's as discussed earlier in your posts.
You can not force things on her right now she needs to figure this out.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 07/26/0703:31 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Well the tables turned today. I was thinking of making the last post on here my last note because I appreciated all of the advice but I was doing the wrong things anyway. I've never been in this situation and I guess they were mistakes I had to make.
Anyway, an update. I kept the phone on until 11am. She calls in. "I know you are looking for your money. I might be able to pay some this week. I am getting back into town probably tomorrow."
This a day or so later after I told her the biggest strain she was putting on our friendship and relationship was these Thursday and Friday's and to please give it a rest for me.
So I told her she should goto the cellphone place and get the number transferred over to her account. She told me she was just going to goto the store and tell them to disconnect it. She said something else that REALLY got on my nerves. I can't remember what it was. And I told her I just didn't want to talk to her anymore and that was it. I called the phone company to disconnect her line.
I started getting calls from some people we know and her relatives to my cellphone an hour later. "Hey, Where is Jennifer?", or "Is Jennifer around you?"
I explained to them that she wanted a break from our relationship and said she was interested in persuing another guy and I really wasn't sure if she was with her relative or where she was.
Every single person - even her relatives - told me that I did the right thing by turning off the phone and saying I no longer wished to speak with her, they told me that they knew some things I didn't and they hated what she was doing to me, etc. I was surprised at all of her relatives supporting me. She had been bringing this guy around to meet some family members. There is a family reunion of hers coming up which at first she told me she was only going to go one of the two days, and then she told me she decided not to go to. Well, that was partially true, like a lot of things she tells me, but it turns out she tried to get them to let her take this new guy on one day of the reunion (Sat), and take me the other day (Sun) and only pay for one extra person instead of two. I also found out that one of the Thursday nights last month was her spending the night at the casino/hotel with one of those free night coupons. That's what we used to do but we stopped a couple months ago.
Bottom line: I wouldn't have known any of this had I not turned off the cellphone. Sometimes you just feel better knowing the truth. There is no way that she would've done all of that without sleeping with the guy, so I no longer believe what she tells me, and it makes me a lot happier to be rid of her.
She has called today from her relatives house since her phone was disconnected and I didn't answer. Now I will do as you all suggested and give a "whatever" less-caring non-persuing attitude for the remainder of us knowing each other. Because now that I know what I suspected was true, I don't even want to be with her.
We have some financial things to resolve. She owes me some money, and payments for a laptop, and 1/2 of a trip we took two months ago to Vegas where I paid all expenses. Tomorrow should be interesting.
1. Even before you found about about the casino, it's clear that she was having an affair. You gave us the classic clues. She was lying to you. 2. Yes, she wanted to be married. But, dude, she'd probably do the same things if she was married to you. If she's so relgious, she wouldn't be sleeping with you. So her commitment to "traditional" values is rather thin: pre-marital sex is OK, why wouldn't extra-marital sex be OK? It seem she has no problems consistently violating her "ethical" scruples. 3. If you still really want to save this relationship -- read the book, Divorce Remedy. It'll help stop all the mistakes you are making. 4. And for your heart and passion: read The Way of the Superior Man. It will help you get your sh*t together so you can become the kind of man you want to be. By the way, the reason she's cheating is because you are unclear about your mission in life. Women tend not to leave strong, clear, honest, open and passionate men. 5. By the way. You aren't married to her. You made no promises to her; she made no promises to you. Yes, it hurts, but she did nothing "unethical" in cheating on you, unless you both implicitly promised exclusivity. But, then, you took no vows or solemn oaths. Think about it.
Yes, she was lying. And I agree that marriage wouldn't have made a difference in what she did despite what she said. I've definitely noticed that she picks and chooses her religious values, but regarding the pre-marital sex, I could tell from the very beginning that it bothers her, so I believe her religious intentions are sincere. She had brought up many times making an honest woman out of her. I just stuck to it from the beginning that marriage wouldn't ever happen. I guess a wise choice in this case knowing what I know now, but definitely closeminded, and relationship limiting on my part.
But this guy she is seeing now that is already in another relationship and all 3 of them work at the same place. I don't think that is going to work out so well on the potential marriage material scale either. I don't understand why she would make any of the choices shes making lately.
I am not the type of person that ever says never. So many situations change. Just a month or so ago, I was planning my entire life future with this woman. But I don't think this relationship should or would ever be saved. I do think eventually she will come back and try. Her relatives believe the same. I was told so many times tonight that I'm the best guy for her shes ever been with and she is being foolish. She has been known in the past while I've lived next door to her for picking "loser" guys without any ambition that ask her to pay their bills for them. I was told today that she is throwing away tons of money on this new guy. Must be nice. Part of me becoming closer to her was wanting to protect her from some of the guys she was dating.
I am going to take all of these book suggestions and hopefully visit the library and find them. I have so little money lately. A major item in the business that I own just needed to be repaired this week at a cost of $1,000. I only have $500. In order to get it back, and it's needed, I'm going to have to go to -$500 in my overdraft tomorrow
She on the other hand got paid $600 today from her job. On the phone, she already sounded like she wasn't planning to pay me much of what she owes me (like she'd already spent it). And of all the things I mentioned earlier she owes me it's combined at over $1k. It's a total opposite.
The last straw just came in. I found out from another relative that $300 of her paycheck this week went to the relative shes been visiting as 1/2 the deposit on a new place. The relative will be moving from a 1 bedroom apartment to a 2 bedroom apartment. Apparently my now ex-girlfriend intends to move 60-70 miles away. She owns her house nextdoor to mine and has 3 children (13, 16, 18) that apparently aren't invited. They've been staying more with other family members lately anyway as her focus has drifted increasingly elsewhere. She is making some insane choices. I now of course have to wonder if she intends to skip town without paying me back.
Tomorrow my goal will be to get her to sign a promissary note for the total amount I'm owed. If she doesn't sign, I suppose I will have to threaten getting her fired from her job which she seems to be trying very hard to keep lately as I know something that I'd be able to prove thats very against company policy. I might call the police as well to get the laptop she has made payments on back if she resists signing. I have the credit statements, and original box with serial number. My goal has now moved from reconsiliation to self-protection. It really isn't revenge, and neither was getting the phone turned off (I mainly wanted to stop speaking to her on it).
As for promises, we did, but I guess it doesn't matter much to a liar. In the beginning of our relationship, she sent a loveletter but I just wasn't looking for any kind of commitment so I kinda pushed and we agreed to make it purely sexual. That lasted a couple of months but feelings increased and there was a night that we each committed by firelight to being purely faithful and exclusive to each other. After the affair a year into it, she had to work for weeks to get me to agree to keep seeing her, and there were more promises and extended definitions of our relationship. She herself promised that she would never hurt me again in that way because she saw how much it effected me. Talk about a breach of trust.
I still think marriage means more to the religious. But I will state that despite being mislead and lied on, I'm going to keep more of an openmind about marriage in future relationships. I already commit to the principals of vows and oaths and I guess it probably helps build more of a bond and future. I just don't need a license and certificate but I guess that doesn't mean that I can't have one. I've never once thought about cheating with another woman, and I'd travelled back to visit my family home for a couple weeks at a time recently and definitely could've had opportunities. It just didn't interest me in the least. I guess I specifically want the one person full trusting relationship. I want to know nobody is bringing home a new disease. I want the friendship that working together to do something positive brings.
Tomorrow should be emotional. She been coming home on Friday for the past two months but I guess this week with the apartment down payment I'm not guaranteed of that (but she's made no extended arrangements with her kids, and moved none of her stuff). I've considered the fact that I might even see the new guy tomorrow with her in his new role. It would be cold but possible. We'll see.
I definitely wouldn't have even considered any kind of confrontation tomorrow but I have to protect myself and get the keys to my business and my home back, get promissary note signed, etc. Knowing that she is a risk of just taking off or doing anything makes it important that I forget about everything I was concerned about yesterday and focus on protecting myself.
Yes I would protect myself, I do not know if I would do much more than try to get my money back. The aggravation involved is probably not worth it other than asking her to pay you back.
If you could afford it I probably would just chalk it up to hard lessons learned and avoid contact for a while since you seem to be angry. Yes anger is a defense mechanism and can make you feel okay, but it is not the primary emotion. Hurt and pain cause anger not the other way around.
I write this to prepare you for the anger will wear off and chances are you will recognize that you were hurt by the deception. In any type of relationship it would be beneficial to think of a positive and take that with you. For instance your intution was dead on that there was an issue.
That is a positive, obviously you do not stand for lying and cheating and feel those actions are unforgivable. You know in future relationships what attributes to look for or maybe not look for. Again a positive. All in all, remember anger wears off, it feels okay for a while but chances are pain and sadness comes after, not before. Take care of yourself and do what you think is right, do not look to take revenge then you aren't any better than they are.
Lastly wait until you cool down before making any major decisions in regards to any part of your life. Trust me, making decisions when you are extremely mad or hurt is not good practice.
Best regards,
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
[/quote]1. Even before you found about about the casino, it's clear that she was having an affair. You gave us the classic clues. She was lying to you.
IT may be clear in our heads, BUT, There is no proof so you need to act AS IF(Divorce Remeady).
Quote:
2. Yes, she wanted to be married. But, dude, she'd probably do the same things if she was married to you. If she's so relgious, she wouldn't be sleeping with you. So her commitment to "traditional" values is rather thin: pre-marital sex is OK, why wouldn't extra-marital sex be OK? It seem she has no problems consistently violating her "ethical" scruples.
Sorry, but we can not assume that our partners would do anything as we are not them. I don't feel that anyone should assume someone else is doing or going to so or say something unless there is proof. Unless there is you ACT AS IF.
Quote:
3. If you still really want to save this relationship -- read the book, Divorce Remedy. It'll help stop all the mistakes you are making
You should read it. It has wonderful info and could help you with this R, or another R down the road.
[quote]
5. By the way. You aren't married to her. You made no promises to her; she made no promises to you. Yes, it hurts, but she did nothing "unethical" in cheating on you, unless you both implicitly promised exclusivity. But, then, you took no vows or solemn oaths. Think about it.
DITTO.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
1. In my opinion, get your keys back and whatever other objects you need for your business.
2. Then ask her to sign a promissary note.
3. She may never pay you back the $1K she owes you. Trust me, it's a lot cheaper than a divorce had you gotten married. I think it's OK to try to get yiour money back but, if need be, let it go. I was never a big fan of "lending" money to a girlfriend. There's an assumption in a romantic relationship that money doesn't count between you guys. You share your sexuality, but not your finances? For a woman, generally, to open herself sexually to someone is to open herself totally to him.
If she doesn't pay it back, let it go. It's not a lot of money in the long run.
2. How old is she? Who is her ex-husband? Why is she divorced? Or did she have these kids out of wedlock? Are they from the same father?
3. Her children are not going to live with her? Errrrr....what's up with that? Do you want to have children with a woman who is willing to abandon her own?
4. For now..I think you should set aside Divorce Remedy and read The Way of the Superior Man. Be clear about your own life, finances and goals and, I think, the rest will fall into place.
5. It's clear she's a beautiful, but very broken woman who is attracted to losers. She finally found the right guy and wanted to get him to marry her. Hmmmmm...a little like a femme fatale? It sounds like a gumshoe novel or a Jerry Springer episode. Maybe Rod Stewarts, "Maggie May". There might be abuse in her past, she might have come from a broken home. It's not that she can't be healed, but, for the time being, her psychological DNA is pretty messed up.
6. Having looked at all the above. I would say, in my humble opinion, don't just walk away from this woman -- RUN as fast as you can!!!!
If you want to talk, email me: theoden.king@hotmail.com.
