Still packing the rest of our apt up tonight. Either I am the biggest sap in the world, completely codependent, or still very much in love with my W, and for the right reasons. I can't help but feeling like I pushed her into this with my intolerance of her issues. I mean, yea, she has them, but so do I, and isn't marriage about accepting each other as is, and employing patience as we allow each other room to grow and learn from mistakes? I want to call her so badly and tell her how I miss her, and about all of the good times that I can't erase from my mind. I want to tell her that the world is a darker place without her love and to let her know that she is not alone, despite how she is pushing those who love her so far away. We are NOT mismatched d$%# it, and I know with counseling and forgiveness and a little time we will be better and stronger than ever. I know that most people could take a little angry heat of the moment, "I want a D" kind of thing and let it go, but she is not so confident and I know I pushed her out the door and now she is alone like me and I can't even call her? Yea, she's angry, and hurt and mean right now, but there were ten other ways I could have handled the issues she was dealing with before this all blew up. It's not my fault for our problems, but it is my fault for telling her it's over, and now here I am wishing I could turn back the clock by 5 weeks and do it all differently, as I do DBing to try to get back the love I pushed out the door. Yea, she's immature, unforgiving, self-destructive and a pain in the a%& sometimes, but I love that woman, warts n' all. She is the only woman who has truly been both my best friend and my lover and totally faithful through it all. Some couples have nothing in common, and not even a song they can call there own. We have an entire library of songs, books, movies, restaurants, phrases, foods, jokes, that were "ours". We enjoy the same activities, travel, shared dreams for our future and similar career interests. I would do anything for her-not because I am being controlled, but because I want the best for her, and I am committed to bringing out the best in her, even when she doesn't see it. Now she is feeling lost, and self-medicating the hurt of the life she left behind with me, and I know it's only because she is convinced that she failed and isn't fit for marriage-and the only reason she isn't , is not due to her age, or her selfishness, or any other reason than she has always been scared of failing so much that she brings on the very problems she is trying to avoid. She never wanted this separation, though she was as sick of fighting as I was, but are two people so unfit for M, just because they haven't learned to deal with their own baggage? Is this "no contact" thing the only route I have left to pursue?
If you truly believe she wants to grow old with you then let that be your Northern Star if she can agree, maybe not now but hopefully eventually. You need to let go though. Don't lose hope. Maybe she needs to find her way back to you.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Thanks MK. I always look forward to your input on my sitch! Guess I needed to vent yesterday. I really do believe she didn't want this S before our last encounter...though I do know she was as sick of the fighting as I was. The hard part is that I can see where we are both responsible for our issues, and I am very committed to working through them, while she only sees my fault, and doesn't believe we will ever change. She is a "runner", and the way she is handling our S (from what I hear) is very self-destructive. I am fighting a combo of being very disappointed in her for walking out and handling things the way she is, and worrying about her constantly as I know she doesn't usually open up to anyone as deeply as she does to me, and now she has even been pushing her best friend and some of her family members (who usually enable her) away with her antics (drinking, drinking & driving on heavy meds for health problems, lashing out at friends, etc.) I know that if she is ever to truly see the effects of her actions on those she loves, she will have to hit rock bottom, but I worry as to how far she will sink before she gets there. Most of our issues stem from her self-destructive patterns that spill over onto me and our M, and my refusal to accept her behavior. All she sees is my anger, and thinks it is unjustified in light of her refusal to seek help. I have become somewhat of a codependent in that respect, and though I do want our M to survive, I am becoming stronger through this ordeal as I am learning a lot about myself and the way I have handled her issues so ineffectively. My anger has turned to sadness, back to anger, to self-reflection, and to forgiveness and hope again. I pray every day that she comes to the same place and that she does it before she harms herself.
She is defensive and unconfident in her ability to give me love as well as to receive it
believe me, I know what that is like.
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If I walk away from my so-called "mismatched marriage", then I will be no less of the problem than she.
I am not saying you should push for divorce, or push her away. I am suggesting that if she wants to go, perhaps you should let her.
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We are NOT mismatched d$%# it,
willful blindness, is NOT going to help you stay married. Denying your differences, makes it MORE difficult to be married. Acknowledging them, allows you to first understand them, and then better deal with them.
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... I know it's only because she is convinced that she failed and isn't fit for marriage-and the only reason she isn't , is not due to her age, or her selfishness
again.. lying to yourself that she is a better person than she is.. doesnt help your marriage. True love, recognizes a person for what they are, and loves them anyway.
If you need to lie to yourself to cover up her behaviour and attitudes with better motivations than what they really are... if that's the only way you can maintain your "love" for her... then you dont really love HER. you love your fake projection of someone else, onto her.
I dont know your true situation. I dont know if she's really as bad as she sounds.
But going by what you have written about her... she Is That Bad.
if you choose to love her still.. by all means, please love her! the world needs more selfless love. Just make sure you are loving her, not an illusion.
Good luck, and God bless.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Yea, she's immature, unforgiving, self-destructive and a pain in the a%& sometimes, but I love that woman, warts n' all. She is the only woman who has truly been both my best friend and my lover and totally faithful through it all. Some couples have nothing in common, and not even a song they can call there own. We have an entire library of songs, books, movies, restaurants, phrases, foods, jokes, that were "ours". We enjoy the same activities, travel, shared dreams for our future and similar career interests.
I DO love the real person. I think the difference is that I am an optimist, always believing in and trying to pull out the best in people/her, and she is a pessimist, focusing on the negatives within herself and others, which is the root of most of her dissatisfaction. Don't get me wrong, I know she has a lot of work to do, as do I, if we are going to make it. She walked out because she said she didn't want to do the work anymore, but as she we are in this period of "limbo", I am really trying to have faith in her that she will see that what we have IS worth the work, and that she will carry these probs with her as long as she doesn't do the work on herself. In the meantime, I have been making many positive changes within myself, and doing what I feel is right-holding to my vows, being faithful, forgiving her, and getting back to my spirituality. And yes, she IS that bad, but she is also equally loving, compassionate, supportive, highly intelligent and a joy to be around, when she is not working in her negative. It just so happens she is very extreme at both ends of the scale, and unless she finds some middle ground to live by, she is doing herself more damage than anyone else. It just makes it very hard to live with, and should she return, I won't just take her back and revert to our old ways. She will need to show me she is truly committed and willing to work on our M, or it will never work!
D$%mit!!!!!!! Found the perfect apt and now looks like it will be a couple of weeks before it's ready for move-in. Was hoping to get all set up right away for sake of setting 180 in motion. Still NC from W, and growing anxious and restless. The more we are apart, the more I am missing her and our life together. I lived alone for 10 yrs before meeting her, doing everything for me, and really don't care about doing it again. It's not exciting, been there/done that, and really was looking forward to working on our dreams together this year.
Ok, my W's b-day is coming up this week. Haven't spoken for nearly two weeks now. Had a great consultation w/Jodi yesterday. She was very helpful in keeping me on track with my 180 and with plans for moving. I am going to send W a short email letting her know where and when I am moving, but maybe not until I am moved in? Would sending her a short happy b-day text be breaking my DBing?
Ok. So we haven't spoken since the day she moved out (two weeks ago now). I finally moved the rest of my stuff out of the apt and am currently in limbo of residences, having put everything I own in storage, save for my clothes. At Jodi's advice during outlast DB Phone Consultation, I sent my W a short email, very cordial, no emotion, telling her that I had moved, that I put her own stuff in storage w/ mine, and I hope she is well. Within 5 minutes she had replied with some kind, if not slightly "polite" words. Said she thinks about me "every day, hopes I am happy and warm", and also made a comment about how it was nice of me to save her things even though she told me not too initially, and she hopes the apt is nice. After the f&**ed up past 6 weeks, could this be a move in the right direction? I played it cool and sent nothing back. What a crazy place to be, when under normal circumstances, my W and I have a deep understanding of how to read each other, but now I am asking strangers for advice on what my W may or may not mean! argghhh
ok, I have been doing some research via books and net. I am convinced that W suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder and/or bipolar, which her Dr already diagnosed last year. I also see that I have become truly co-dependent on fixing her problems. I think if we could get into counseling, we could save our M. How do I even suggest this to my W, given that she is on a a mission to D, is saving $$$ for an apt and has made it clear it is over? She makes $10/hr and works full time, has only two small monthly bills, yet she hasn't saved enough for a place yet? Could she be stalling?
I really do believe she didn't want this S before our last encounter...though I do know she was as sick of the fighting as I was. The hard part is that I can see where we are both responsible for our issues, and I am very committed to working through them, while she only sees my fault, and doesn't believe we will ever change. She is a "runner", and the way she is handling our S (from what I hear) is very self-destructive. I am fighting a combo of being very disappointed in her for walking out and handling things the way she is, and worrying about her constantly as I know she doesn't usually open up to anyone as deeply as she does to me, and now she has even been pushing her best friend and some of her family members (who usually enable her) away with her antics (drinking, drinking & driving on heavy meds for health problems, lashing out at friends, etc.) I know that if she is ever to truly see the effects of her actions on those she loves, she will have to hit rock bottom, but I worry as to how far she will sink before she gets there. Most of our issues stem from her self-destructive patterns that spill over onto me and our M, and my refusal to accept her behavior. All she sees is my anger, and thinks it is unjustified in light of her refusal to seek help. I have become somewhat of a codependent in that respect, and though I do want our M to survive, I am becoming stronger through this ordeal as I am learning a lot about myself and the way I have handled her issues so ineffectively. My anger has turned to sadness, back to anger, to self-reflection, and to forgiveness and hope again. I pray every day that she comes to the same place and that she does it before she harms herself.