Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

Hi morgan. No don't call. What will the answer give you and it would just put more distance between you. Focus on you. You are so strong, when I read your posts, it helps so much for me to realize I can focus on me, I can GAL and as painful as this all is, we will all get through it. I sorry about your son crying after H left. That, for me, is the hardest. Stay strong, I can;t believe how well you are handling all this.

Irish, I wish I were half as strong/together as your post makes me feel. maybe someday. thank you for the advice, I didn't call and I'm going to keep trying to focus on me.

I have to say I did have a little fun at his expense this morning. not sure if this was right or wrong. we were talking a bit and it came up that next weekend I'm going up to NH to visit an old college friend, likely to take his boat out and such...lots of fun (could see H wishing he could be there almost). then he reminded me that in a couple of weeks he has a festival that he has to be at, so I'll have the kids that weekend. I told him yeah, was thinking I might bring the kids to the festival. now, this is a festival that he has wanted to bring the kids to in previous years, its a great family event, actually, but they were so young last year and the weather sucked so we didn't. when I mentioned taking them, you would have thought he swallowed a fly. I might just have to. lol. seriously.

is that wrong? meaning wrong to tease them, but also wrong to bring them. should I ask H whether he would like me to or not, or just do it on my own accord if I want to? I'm starting to get the feeling he's being much more vocal about us being apart, and possibly heading to divorce, to others as opposed to me, who he is not saying anything to on that front, even when I ask straight out. maybe I'm reading more into this than there is, but I wonder if he's telling people we're getting divorced? now I want to ask...probably shouldnt though, should I?

You are strong morgan. It's in your words when you write. If you want to take them to the festival for you and for the kids then do it but don't do it just to show him - as tempting as it is :). About the d, remember you can only control you and don't ask about it. You said before he wants you to make the decision so if you bring it up, it's almost as if you want it (in his mind). Plus remember DB'ing. I started to do my goals today and boy are they hard. I'm not sure if I did it right - going to have to look on this board and see if there is a place to get input on them. Did you read DR? I am into the fourth chapter and still not sure if it applies to my situation as mine seems more complex than two people fighting over not spending enough time together. Stay focused morgan, you are doing great. Signing off for the night, having a pajama movie party with DD.

thanks, Irish. I haven't read DR, just DB. what is the difference? haven't decided if I want to buy another one right now.

you are right, of course, about the festival. and honestly that one would probably boomerang right in my face...it wouldn't do anything to him, or not much, but it would hit me in the gut one way or the other.

have a wonderful pajama movie party with DD. how old is your DD? I think I might do something like that with my 3 tomorrow night...they are a little young, still, but it could be fun. I know my eldest would love it, just hate leaving the other 2 out, who tend to get a bit punchy/distracted at the end of the day. hmmm...food for thought.

I have a big proud right now. I'm not in the best place, mood wise, in fact I actually tried to call his mom...thankfully she wasn't home. I know I need to stop that. anyway, when he called tonight I took a deep breath, then really perked up, and made it sound like the kids and I were having the best time (instead of the fact that I had just had a battle with them over something or other and there was a bit of whining going on). they even started giggling in the background while I was talking to him. they all said goodnight, then I got on really quick and figured he'd head off the phone, instead he got a little chatty, asked how my day was. I told him it was good, we had a good time, and asked him how the golf was. he got a little quiet then, but I didn't ask any more, and I sounded normal and upbeat when I asked. then, of course, I was too busy to talk (busy busy busy!) and had to run.

he sounded a little sad on the phone. my interpretation, the one I am choosing, because who knows what really is going on, is that he is having a miserable time with OW. In fact, they bickered and got rained on the whole time. and tonight, instead of a romantic, lust filled evening, she is being a PITA and complaining about everything, alternating with being really needy. oh, and her hair extensions are falling out. oooh...I think there is also a big zit on her chin.

Ladies,

You are doing so well and I ache for the pain you are in right now. No matter what, there WILL be a day that your biggest regret is the length of time you allowed him to wreck your days...but only YOU can determine the exact number.

I'm unclear Morgan, about what your question is re: your h telling others...what? Also, what difference does it make? IF these people run into you and ask how things are going you can say you are separated and if they say "No, he said Divorce" you can say "we're in a real crisis but we are Not divorced." It's the truth and doesn't bad mouth him. If he wants to get angry about it, confront that specifically. "H, if you want the divorce I cannot stop you. I'm not lying about what I'm doing..."

Do NOT fear that he secretly is testing you to see if you'll fight for him. In SOME cases things get stupid like that. But you've been so clear with him that the only thing he can say if you act upbeat is "See, I don't mattter to you!!"" Trust me, even if he convinced himself of that--and he can't unless he's totally bonkers now-- it wouldn't be all bad for you. I mean, AS HE IS NOW, he isn't much of a partner is he?

So why on earth would you be devastated by THAT MAN finally stepping up to the plate and telling the world that he is now, OFFICIALLY and openly ending his marriage and family....don't let him make you do the dirty work, unless and until YOU want to end the limbo and move forward. I mean, are you worried that being upbeat makes it too easy on him? I can see that, but actually I disagree mostly b/c I think being upbeat and dignified makes him look more at himself than any other behavior you could engage in. True, The more upbeat you are, the less discomfort he has for those 3 minutes he faces you. But what if he spends those 3 mintutes watching you fall apart. He MIGHT say he's sorry, and then he'd bolt out as fast as he can...OR he might tell you to pull yourself together, and then he'd bolt out as fast as he can...OR he might say "you deserve it, you're a loser/bitch, etc." and spew, and then leave as fast as possible. Do you think he'd say "OMG< you ARE sad, I'm a fool and want to reconcile asap...." If that is a possibility seems as if it would have happened by now, don't you think?

You've often asked about how negatively being up beat can be interpreted and we've mentioned that the other options pretty much stink and certainly not more likely to win him back. Is there an issue in your past that makes you think he is doing all this to test your love for him? I mean, in theory I guess it's possilble. But haven't you already done all the changes he demanded, and told him you love him, etc? IF you know in your heart that you have, and I think so, then you gotta do something different. And you are and frankly, I think his anger right after leaving the house is a Positive....why would he be angry if he 's so thrilled to be with her?
He MISSES at least parts of his old life and already resents the trade offs that life gives us....(some people realize this as teenagers b/c it's part of growing up...sigh)

The sad day will be when he realizes that OW (btw, over 80% of 2nd M's end in divorce if the new spouse is the reason the first M ended....lots of pressure to live up to, I guess) isn't the be all and end all. God what if SHE cannot MAKE him happy and then what if another OW cannot make him happy, or the job cannot,.....could it be, gasp, HIM and HIS CHOICES????

In my older sister's divorce, it took almost 2 years for her ex to start thinking he'd made a mistake and about 3-4 for him to "get it" and yes, it was too late to salvage things. She had met a man who made her his priority and the R was all important to the new guy (he isn't perfect in my opinion, but he does worship my sister and she is the happiest I've seen her, ever, probably. Nothing to sneeze at...). My older sister maintained her dignity as best as anyone I've seen and I saw her as a role model during my worst times.

On the other side of things, and for lessons in what Not to do, My Younger sister's divorce (hey, I'm one of 9 kids and we have 4 divorces, so I guess we're "above average" in the M department....) was gross b/c my sister didn't know if there was ow, (although we all suspected...) but there was, and no kids so my sister was all alone. In 3 months she Lost 60 lbs, which she needed to do, but it was a helluva way to lose weight. She begged him to stay M and work on things, and I mean BEGGED him, and obsessed and obsessed and screamed, and I flew in from Texas, and I took her to see a shrink to get on meds, and I hid their gun and basically she was a basket case then, and for 2+ YEARS.....my brother said she handled her divorce worse than anyone he'd ever seen and this insulted her a lot. But he was right. She did everything NOT to do. Asked her ex for a hug 2 minutes AFTER the divorce hearing, I didn't know who I wanted to strangle more, her or him. I KNEW HE WAS CHEATING because he signed a pretty good divorce settlement (and she really was incapacitated.) She's a lot stronger now, I have to say. I saw all the signs of OW and mentioned it once. She vehemently denied it and said she had made her h swear on a bible, literally, that he wasn't seeing OW, which he did. 30 days after the divorce, he remarried--it was the fastest he could remarry under Florida law...He said he had to lie b/c he feared she "might do something"....

Though I hate what he put her through, she IS a better woman for all this. Her life has meaning it lacked when she was married to him b/c all she did was revolve around him. He once told her she didn't "do anything" with her life. No job, no kids, gained lots of weight, fluttered around him constantly asking him how much he loved her, asked for love poems for her birthday, and smothered him. In some ways it was her fears that created the very thing she dreaded most; being left.

I digress. Take care ladies, you are stronger and kinder and better than you realize. As for the DB books, I actually bought and read both but liked the Divorce Remedy book better but cannot recall why. If you onlyr read one, I'd say read the DR even though SOME of it overlaps, I found the DB book less helpful b/c it talked too much for me about saving marriages and how bad divorce is. I mean, for ME, I GET IT....others of course might need that exact thing.
good luck,
NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE SAYS HERE, IF IT COMES TO DIVORCE, BE SMART and have a good L, and let the lawyers do their job. you don't have to debate issues or amounts with your h's. That is the Lawyers job and besides, you'll get blamed for bad news to your WAS. Assume your h has seen a L and has planned this for longer than you know. But often the h's don't have an objective outlook about finances and Morgan, when OW sees what your h will pay in child support for 3 little ones, he'll be a tad less attractive. In SOME states, you'll be able to stay at home until the youngest is in school...so you'll get more for that time period... Please tell me Morgan, YOU have seen a L, right? If not, you must asap. Don't tell your h unless he asks and then if you want to admit it, say "I'd have to be an idiot not to see a lawyer when i'm married to a man who is so confused....I need to protect my legal interests...." IF he says you're a witch/shrew trying to screw him, CALL him on that with "You want to vilify me for taking one self protective step. That's unfair and unreasonable and I won't listen to anymore of your lashing out." Then exit, stage left.
j-
PS how do I post on my own thread? Do I start another one with a new title and God forbid, how do I link things? I'm computer illiterate...where are all the little people who should be working for me now to handle this? Oh yeah, there aren't any...