Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE "Why have you choosen to stay so long with someone

From Heywyre’s thread

"Why have you choosen to stay so long with someone that is so emotionally unavailable for you" - and I wasn't allowed to say "because I love him"

Some answers have been~:
Martelo
1. I didn't think I deserved better,
2. I had identified with the role of "victim" and had become comfortable in that role.
3. Deeper than that the style of someone being emotionally unavailable may have felt like
my father and thus familiar.
4. Down another layer, a fear of being alone and ultimately death.

Heywyre
1. I am sure it has to do with my childhood and my parents own lack of emotionally being there for me.
2. I feel one should fight for their marriage a little more than most do nowadays but to what extent? Until it destroys you?

chocolateeyes
1. He said "if you do what God is asking you to do in any given situation, on any given day, and in any given decision, and push thru it, one at a time, then that's all you can do and you will have done the right thing."
2. The pre-marriage course the Catholic Church makes you go thru before you get married, working with our sponsorship couple, and we had to do this little workbook of exercises and stuff. One of the questions was "What is it about your fiancée that you love so much?"
I'll never forget my answer: "Because she loves ME so much.”
3. Of course, I didn't know back then what "enmeshment" was, or what "co-dependency" looked like, but I can see now that I never really grew beyond just loving her to the extent she loved ME, and also loving not who she WAS, but who I WANTED HER TO BE (and thought, if I was just GOOD enough, and NICE enough, and HELPED her enough and PRAISED her enough, that she WOULD be).
4. Now, I go by "What is the RIGHT thing to do here?"

NewHorizons NH (formerly OTB)
1. "Do you want to be right, or be married” (forum term)

hairdog
1. the only common characteristic of this relationship and all the other failed relationships in your life is: YOU. Until you figure out how you are screwing them up, you'll continue to do so. Might as well do that while staying married to your current wife, as the distractions of divorce, property division, dating, etc., will likely keep you from getting yourself on the right track.

So Lou - are you wanting to start a whole new thread based just on this one question? YIKES!!

I have thought about my answer a little more and would like to add to it, if I may

Aside from the fact my parents, particularly my mother, were not there for me emotionally, I had a VERY hard time connecting at all with my mother. It seemed that no matter what I did, it was never good enough. Because of that, I developed very low self esteem as a child and it continued well into adulthood.

Perhaps that has also flowed over into my R, in thinking that I have to "settle" for what has been dealt me because I am still not good enough. I thought my low self esteem had disappeared a long time ago but I am wondering if somewhere deeper in my subconscious, there is a still that little girl that is "just not good enough" and doesn't deserve better than she now has

I was going to comment on that in Hey's thread, but didn't want to hijack. I thought about it and I guess my reasons would be as follows:

1. In my sitch, I wanted to prove that I could be the person/wife/lover/friend that H wanted/needed. I knew deep down that I had not been being that person. I knew I had not been happy and therefore was not doing anything to *help* him to be happy. I HAD become the "angry, bitter & tired" person he saw when he looked at me and I wanted to change that, not just for him, but for me.
2. the boys
3. scared of being alone/single parent/lonely

I had one underlying reason in my prior marriage - "My choice. My responsiblity" (Otherwise known as "you made your bed, now lie in it"). That reason lasted 10 years then I recognized that my responsibility extended futher than just that one choice - it extended to my children and myself.

In my current sitch it comes down to the overall decision that sex is not a reason to end a good, working partnership with someone I respect and love. Underlying that are probably some icky personal issues about what I can reasonably "expect" out of life which is probably something less than I might actually want - I am good at self denial. In this R it just happens to be in the area of sex whereas in another it might be another issue - money, parenting support whatever... For whatever reason, God put me here in this marriage, at this time to work this one out. Leaving for this reason instead of working through it just isn't an option. I'm also not too good with the idea of "failing" again.

Karen

I have a lot of answers but I'll go with this one..

1) Because I greatly underestimated the joys of autonomy. IMO being single is a lot like being self-employed (and now I'm both!!) You don't need to be lonely as a single person anymore than you need to be broke as a self-employed person. I think both things seem scarier to contemplate when you're raising young children and maybe that is a lot of what kept me stuck. I am sure as sh*t that due to my sad tendencies towards procrastination/over-thinking combined or contrasted with my tendencies towards irrational exuberance/having eyes bigger than my belly, I shall experience many days, weeks, months in the future of pathetically low cash and sex flow. However, I am equally sure that because I'm a woman in her power moving freely through the universe there are going to be days, weeks, months when I am just rolling naked in the clover with joy and plenty.

So, I would venture to say Karen that your reason for staying where you are right now is more related to not wanting to "fail" as opposed to the other things you stated.

Most of us try and rationalize why we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of, abused etc. Staying in a bad R "for the sake of the kids" has never been a good reason in my books. some relationships just need to end, simple and to the point!

When ST asked me that question, it was more about my H not being emotionally supportive.

I can see where you are coming from. If all I had to deal with was the lack of sex in our R, I would probably agree with you, and stay anyway. But the lack of sex (usually) in a R ends up causing other much deeper issues - or most likely it is the deeper issues that have led to the lack of sex. Either way, as much as my H is a great guy in so many aspects, the lack of his being there for me when I need him the most leads me to say - "what the he!! am I doing here?"

I deserve to be loved, honoured and cherished - just like our vows said. Is that too much to ask of my H?

Screwing around with escorts sure isn't the way to show your S how much you honour them, that's for sure. And then, when you are willing to forgive and work on the R, they still leave you out in the cold. I suddenly realized I have been dealing with his lack of emotional connection for pretty much our whole marriage - that would be almost 18 years, not something I wanted to admit to myself. Whenever I was going through something difficult, I was basically told "I've learned to deal with things on my own, so should you" and was left to struggle by myself. What kind of a marriage is that?

MoJo, you said:



I agree, but just because you are married, or in a relationship, doesn't mean you won't be lonely either. BTDT

Not wanting to be alone is probably the #1 reason IMO. I remember when I was seeing an older man (very long term relationship, 10 years) he took me so for granted it was incredible. I just went along with whatever crumbs he threw my way, but I told myself that if someone else came along, I was out of there. He was not going to take the relationship any further and let me know it, and I in turn told him that if another opportunity came about, well...I might go for it. Well, I did meet someone else...and I immediately broke it off with him. Never looked back either...so for me, I think I just would have rather been with someone who was not emotionally there than be alone. I have grown up infinitely since that time...I would rather be alone than put up with that. Cause I not completely unhappy being alone...have lots of great friends in my life.

HW -- just wanted you to know I completely understand what you are saying and how you are feeling. It's not easy.

HW So Lou - are you wanting to start a whole new thread based just on this one question? YIKES!!
Yes I did because it is important to many people here and I didn't want to hi-jack your thread.

the Why have you chosen to stay so long needs to be followed up with some question similar to "What does your spouse provide/bring to the R" that someone asked before, but I just wanted to keep the one topic in focus right now.

So maybe this thread also could be called
"Doubts/concerns/questions I have about me."

Like Lill, I think your ST sounds great and what he asked is something each one of the "hopers and hangers on to" might look at, to understand our self better. I believe knowledge can be gained from someone else’s experiences, and from books. The ST's question was very appropriate and I personally wondered what kept you with Mr. HW through 2 As and him spending that amount of $$$$$ on the escort when a trip to Alaska would have been so much better for both of you.

I would have expected BB to dump me if I did those things. I think I would have dumped her. Many people have ended their M for a 1/10 of similar reasons. BTW, I am not being critical or suggesting you do anything.

I know a little about your and Mr. HW’s FOO. About his accident. You said you were in an accident too, I think. Well about the chiropractor visits. I know a little (very little) about your recent employment endeavors but could be wrong. I know when I went to college, I put a big part of my personal life on hold, had to do more holding when I went to work again. Did still more holding when I started my business. Then MIL broke the head of femur (broken hip). Next an uncle died at the age of 103.

You know, some times work and things get in the way of life and thought, something like that happened in your M. Maybe or maybe not, reasons to continue in a relationship lacking some important things. Sometimes there are peroids in a person’s or a couple’s life when it seem best to just go with the flow.

Lou