Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE "Why have you choosen to stay so long with someone

OK, Now some of my reasons.

D.I.Y. Why have I choosen to stay so long.

1. Marital History, the good life we did have at one time and wanting some of it back.

2. Knowing that I contributed my share of the R problems.

3. Knowing if I left the M, some things would be repeated in the second R.

4. Knowing I have to change in order for BB to change, but knowing she might not change to the person she once was or to a person I want to be with.

5. Knowing I have to give up some expectations as to the outcome and learning to do my work for me and hopefully for the R and BB.

6. This is a difficult part. I work and expect a pay-off. I haven’t experienced a long-term or great pay-offs. Do I still want to do the work and for how long?

7. As I changed and tried to improve our R, I expected certain results, some that didn’t happen.

8. I know I have my own baggage and hang ups that might not be liked if I had a different partner. I have to work on some of those baggage items and determine which ones are changeable and which ones are just me.

9. I Avoid conflicts.

10. I wanted to avoid the financial pitfalls Hairdog spoke about

11. Avoiding the guilt and sadness feelings that will come to myself, BB and other family members.

12. D just seems wrong for the level and type of problems BB and I have. Our problems are not one of the big 3, abandonment, abuse, adultery, although emotional neglect is close to emotional abandonment.

13. I filled out a popular relationship compatibility tests and the results were 5% of my female peers would be very happy in a R with me, and another 40% would be happy with some adjustments. The results sounded like I would have to be very selective for both parties in the R to be content/happy.

What I have seen first hand, by listening to single/widowed/divorced women, while I was in college, and women I meet in social/church groups and listen to what they say, I hear about their Mr. Perfect list and compare myself to the spoken and unspoken list.

Some traits, no problem matching up. Other traits, well I don’t know! I have my list too and look at the disconnects. I know I have my own work to do.

I know there is greener grass if and where it is watered and fed, so why not start with the grass I have.

The test/quiz and list things, I have also seen the items go by the wayside in college. Women talking about the high caliber R they wanted , then picking an ordinary guy because of something, like he paid attention to her or there was chemistry. So much for lists.

14. Then there is the chemistry stuff. BB and I had it. I wonder if some cam be brought back?
Do older folks have different chemistry expressions and receptiors than when they were younger. My concern is younger people operate on similarly signaling and reception type bonding/chemistry.

Older people might have less similar chemistry signaling and reception processes. As in older men and women want different/dissimilar things.

15. I read a LBS forum and see the problems the LBS’s have. I am not sure I want to see some of these problems put upon BB.

16. What if I find Mrs. Perfect and have a stroke 6 months later. Do I want her to bear those problems.

17. I have heard many stories that new love wears off after a couple of years. Better to fix what you have.

Lou

Your answered surprised me Mojo. I guess I did not expect it from you. The idea of being single was the thing I feared LEAST during my breakup. I guess I have always known that I enjoy a certain amount of autonomy but I have been smart enough to make sure my relationships always allow for that aspect of my personality. (Hi Raven ) Of course I also enjoy being part of relationship which may be why I do not seem to be able to stay single!!

Anyway back to the idea of why stay when problems come up. My counselor asked why I let my XH push me away and develop his first EA without leaving. That first EA happened 3 years before his 2nd EA and eventual PA. So what besides love kept me from leaving in those 3 years? Definitely commitment to the marriage – I got married to stay married. The counselor told me once that probably the only other thing I could have done was to separate from XH when his first EA took off. We have had the discussion before that if I had been able to see separation as different from divorce, I probably would and could have separated from my XH to send a strong signal to him. Now how he would have handled a separation is an unknown. Maybe it would have been a wakeup call or maybe he would have seen it as an irrational jealous reaction to his new best friend and just let me leave. BUT that would have been his decision, right?

Wow Lou - that's quite a list

A lot of them are very valid, and a lot of them fit the Mr. NG to a "T". Then there are a few that just scream "I don't deserve anything better" and I think we all have a few of those

First and foremost, up until the NPD bomb I was still hanging onto the idea that things would get better. I firmly believed that given enough time and the right atmosphere, W would come around. If I was patient and steady, W would eventually feel safe enough to open up - both emotionally and sexually.

Apart from that, my religious beliefs and the values inculcated in me as I was growing up tell me that staying with W is the "right thing" to do. As you've no doubt heard me say before, I put an extremely high value on doing what's right. That belief in doing what's right manifested itself in several areas.

For one, I've always been one to put the needs and desires of others ahead of my own. IOW, I come last. I know that I sometimes carry that to an unhealthy extreme, but you asked for reasons without any requirement that they be healthy and sane reasons.

After the things my kids told me after the NPD diagnosis, I was probably wrong on this one too, but I also placed a very high value on raising my kids in an intact family. I now realize that I was blinding myself to the damage that W was doing, but like I said about the M in general, I was still hanging onto the belief that things would get better. As before, you didn't mention any requirement that the reasons be justifiable.

"For better or for worse" includes for worse. I made the commitment and was bound to it. This was also tied in closely with the Biblical injunction not to deal falsely with the wife of your youth.

Now, after learning about the NPD and the prognosis, I'm still around for a couple of reasons - primarily the many facets of the "right thing" argument. And if I'm totally honest, inertia is a big reason too. It's been this way for over 31 years. It may not be good, but I've gotten used to it and there's something to be said for comfortable.

Bube

I didn't fear being single as much as I just didn't comprehend how much autonomy I had given up in my relationship. In retrospect, I see that this was a huge mistake on my part but I believe that the marriage would have just dissolved sooner if I had come to this realization earlier. Few can know the great joy of not waking up in the morning to find a post-it note that says "Clean Me" on the coffee pot or being able to wear any color t-shirt without having to hear somebody's critique on whether it suits you. Really the biggest guilty pleasure of being single is not even thinking about pleasing anyone but yourself (except, of course, when your current lover says something like "That's okay, baby, but I'd rather just f*ck", especially if he does a Samuel L. Jackson impression when he says it. Yum, Yum, Yum!)

Interesting point about separation being something different from divorce. However, I wonder if a separation would send a strong message if it was understood by both parties to be just an intermediary step? My 2bx was perfectly civil and seemingly "okay" with our separation until he discovered that I was dating. It was only at that point that he expressed a willingness to make more of an effort. It was crystal clear to me that it was the ego injury that made the difference and that disgusted me.

Well there are two kinds of separation (1)a step toward divorce and 2)a clear message that the marriage has a significant issue that needs resolved) and at the time I was only aware of the kind of separation that pretty much meant divorce. And I did NOT want to divorce my husband for his actions. I did want him to understand my feelings and why I was hurt by his withdrawal from me. We had had 5 very good years of marriage and I was confused by his behavior. Since he has spent the last 2 years trying to figure himself out after hitting "rock bottom" I have to conclude that the separation wouldn't have quite worked anyway...

HW, that is part of a list. The part I could write in the time I had earlier today.

Some of the things relate to the scarcity of affection and resources from FOO and some of the tight situations as far as money and friendships I have or had in the past and present. What I have now is not what I want but better than what I have had in some past times.

I am going to a series of John C. Maxwell "Developing the Leader Within You" presentations-discussions. I hope to improve/change on some things so some of the NG traits.

Another thought I have been getting used to/dealing with, is BB has her preferences/differences, always had them, maybe put them aside for many years and now is making up for lost time in her mind.

This kind of goes along the line, what I want isn't what she wants. How to work with a R when people have different expectations.

When we were dating, I saw some red flags, mostly differences in lifestyle expectation, and we broke up for 5 months. There was still a strong chemical attraction so we got back together, and M 6 months later in 1968.

Earlu in the M when most things were going according to what is considered normal in new and growing families, most differences were minor. Throw in some medical/financial problems, well look out. For a long time those differences were not a problem but came out, some in 1981 and many more in 1986, and now those differences are causing a disconnect.

Lou - what attracts us when we are younger, as opposed to what attracts us when we are older (as you are well aware) are MUCH different.

That is the one of the major problems with a lot of the people on this board. They want things to "be the way they were" - things will NEVER be the way they were, too much has happened, people change and so do relationships. All we can hope for is some genuine compromising to enable us to come together in the middle.

We all have boundaries and if we can give and take a little perhaps we can also try not to make our boundaries so rigid so as to push our S away

HW what attracts us when we are younger, as opposed to what attracts us when we are older (as you are well aware) are MUCH different
Yes, people change as they age, but how much different still works?

That is the one of the major problems with a lot of the people on this board. They want things to "be the way they were" -
Cemar wants things the way they were.

I want a scaled down version of "some things the things" the way they were. I want W. I want to be a H. I don't want to be the pet’s daddy or Mr. fix-it as my main function in the R.

I did that with kids, which I gladly filled that role. I am flexible enough when it comes to real issues. When it comes to entitlement or someone not trying, sorry, that grates me in a bad way.

I see myself as being too flexible sometimes and I think that just confirms BB's thoughts that a W need to do what makes her happy.

After doing several things to improve our R, I am sort of giving up on BB ever doing or liking much of what I think would be a close/emotionally connected marital R. She has her pets that have come first ( sort of like a 3rd party) for so long and has turned down social activities to be mommy to the pets, too hot, too windy, they are not our type, she is tired, etc.

I was hoping (life perspective) the R would have been us at first, then kids/us, then no kids/some pets, and then mostly us.

I even worked on a trip to Alaska. BB was OK till she insisted on a kennel with Internet connection and web cameras in the kennel area, so she could check on the 6 pets, another $900 for a 10-day trip.

BTW it has been 104f to 109f here for the last 2 weeks. Today it is only 68f this AM. With the high temps not much happens physically between us. I would but BB has her problems with the heat. Half the house has A/C and we have multiple fans in most rooms. BB doesn’t go out of the house much. I make my usual deliveries and repair calls. More 100’s on the way.

Oh well time for more GAL, solo activities, which I am doing, very slowly.

Lou

Go by yourself. I will repeat myself for emphasis. Go by yourself. Once again. Go by yourself.