It is so important that you communicate your feelings to your wife, but maybe if that is too hard, meeting with a therapist who is pro marriage could help you to word things properly.
As a Woman, I am also exrememly sensitive about my weight and would only want someone who had my best interests at heart to confront me on it.
My Husband threw me into a major depression because of my weight. He told me that I was a big fat ugly slob. He told me that I made him physically ill because of how I had let myself go.
I ended up seeing a therapist and going on Anti Depressants, which only made me gain more weight.
The sad part of it, looking back, was that I was about 30 pounds over weight, after being pregnant for 6 continuous years. I also had no clue as to what MLC was and no idea that people in MLC become ugly with their words.
The irony in all of this is that my Husband is now about 30 pounds overweight, and I don't say a word about it or treat him the way he treated me.
And I am happy to say that I have maintained the 40 pounds I have lost and wear a size 2 proudly.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I relate re. the depression. It is hard to deal with a depressed person. My H wouldn't leave the house and spent most of his time surfing the internet, cleaning obsessively, watching TV, and complaining.
So in a way, I do not miss him because he shut me out of his life.
But my world got smaller and smaller, too. Soon we were relegated to only a few friends and a few square blocks and he wouldn't leave the house or spend time with me otherwise.
My recommendation is to get out and do things you want to do. Ask nicely if W wants to go along, but still do the things you enjoy. She may come along if you tell her you'd like her to join.
In the meantime, I can't recommend IC enough. It will help you get through things.
Another comment: With a baby, you have kind of a Ground Zero they you head for when baby is born. That is when W will be most incapacitated and attention of baby will be most intense. Also be prepared for her depression to get worse.
Gradually, baby becomes a little more independent and even something as simple as baby feeding himself/herself will make a difference in being able to take care of one's self a little more.
What I would have appreciated: A few hours to myself to shower, read a book, do a pedicure, whatever.
Do the massage thing. It's groovy.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Breton, I too feel my world getting smaller. When we married, I moved into my wife's house (which made great economical sense) but it is about 30 miles from where I used to live...which was where my job, my family, most of my friends and a lot of the things I used to enjoy are. I still get to go there for work (the drives sucks though), so visiting isn't impossible...but I do miss spending time with the people who used to be so important in my life. I'm not cut off completely, but I'd estimate that I get to spend about 1/10 as much time as I used to. It adds a bit to my being sad/depressed.
I also totally underestimated what the financial responsibilities of sharing homeownership would be. I thought we'd be in pretty good shape with our costs versus income, but it has been hard to make ends meet with us both working full time. I worry about how we'll swing it when she needs to take time from her job for the pregnancy and the baby...and IF she goes back to work after the baby, childcare is expensive too. Just one more thing that makes it hard to be happy.
As hard as it will be to have, you must have an honest conversation with you W about how you feel. You are not responsible for her self esteem issues and as long as you approach this subject with as much kindness and love as possible, you should not fear the truth. Some H's are cruel and want to shame their wives into losing weight--that doesn't work and will ultimately lead to unhappiness for both people. You owe it to yourself and to your wife to lay it on the table--it could save you both years of unhappiness. RESPECT HER ENOUGH TO BE HONEST WITH HER!!!!
Denial is a powerful force and she will not take hints. This is really no time for subtlety, you are in a danger zone. She knows she is overweight, but she does not know that her appearance is making a dangerous situation for her marriage. She DOES NOT KNOW and you have to tell her, but you have to do it in the right way.
I allowed myself to gain a lot of weight during my marriage. I hated it and tried many things to lose it but it always came back on, it was a struggle. I always thought my H loved me no matter what though. In the end, he confessed my weight did bother him. I so wished he had sat me down and told me how serious his feelings were. He hinted, but I didn't "get" it because I didn't want to. As difficult as it would have been, this is what I wish he had said:
A, I love you very much. You are a beautiful woman but I must tell you that your weight gain bothers me very much. I am unhappy that I don't feel as attracted to you as I used to because I really do love you. This is very hard for me to say because I do not want to hurt you, but I worry for your health and for our future happiness together. I want us to become healthy together and I am willing to help you achieve your goals. (He got healthy and thin and worked out but I did not follow his lead---D'OH!).
I wish he had said something like that to me and used words similar to "our marriage is in trouble because of this." It would have to be done in a loving, concerned and honest way though and then I would have heard him. I could not have accused him of being unkind and my own self esteem would be my problem as it is ultimately for everyone. It would not have hurt a fraction of what he did end up doing. Instead of being courageous and honest, he found someone else to fall in love with--a slender woman who has never had kids to ravage her body. Now THAT is what was truly devastating, that was when I knew how serious he was but by then of course it was too late.
I've lost 60 pounds--look better than I have in years, wish I had done it when I was married but I guess I wasn't motivated before--my fault entirely.
