Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

Mike said it exactly - be upbeat, positive, calm, cool, collected. Stand up for yourself in the same way you did, if you have to. Otherwise, don't say a thing about it.

thanks mike and nikki. he just called, thankfully read this right before. he was really abrupt, asked to say goodnight to the kids (its a little earlier than he normally would call, not sure if that means anything). I was upbeat, told him to hold on, S5 was right there. S5 chatted for a bit, then I told H that I had to go downstairs to get S3/D3. he didn't say a word, not even in acknowledgment. gave S3 the phone, he just said goodnight, then D3 the phone, who didn's say much more. I told H that was all, they weren't being talkative (par for the course with phone calls with them, so not a big deal). H barely acknowledged that, didn't say anything to me about anything else, just said bye, I stayed upbeat and told him to have a good night.

hope that was okay. he still sounds pissed as all get out. what a 180 from the way he was this past weekend! and not in a good way. I hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. but doesn't look like there is anything more I can be doing (right?).

You're doing great Morgan.

One thing I didn't quite think about during this whole process is that while you're detaching, so is your WAS.

You can't control his mood, anger, pissy-ness - so don't bother trying, and do your best to just ignore it.

Is your S5 old enough to just say goodnight and hang up next time? I'm thinking that might be good... let him talk to S3 and D3 first, have them pass the phone off to S5, and have him be the one to say bye and hang up. Helps save your sanity a bit if H is being pissy.

Perfect again, Morgan! Way to go!

The fact that he called at all is a good sign. He is sticking to the routine even though he obviously wasn't comfortable with it at the time.

Part of his gruffness was maybe a test to see if you were still the "new" you. He's expecting you to start whining, pleading, clinging or trying to reason with him.

Hold your course. Steady as she goes.

morgan..you are doing fantastic...keep up the good work....you are on the way back to being the morgan he fell in love with many years ago...if he doesnt respond to that someone else will someday...you have so much to offer....do it for yourself and your kids....i promise you no matter what you will get thru this and be better for it...hang in there and god bless...BT\

thanks guys. I just wish I felt as fantastic as you all are saying I am doing. I feel like crap. literally. although I suppose I am proud at how differently I handled things than I would have a few weeks ago. still, I just don't understand why he is doing this. and even if I am becoming the woman he fell in love with, he also doesn't want to be in love with me anymore, and I can't make him.

thanks for all the words of hope and of support. they really do help. I wish I had found this book/site sooner. I feel like we might have had a chance. but who knows what the future will bring. I am terrified of tomorrow's meeting. I just feel like he's going to be a complete ass, or worse, mention the D word. He's going to be button pushing like nothing I've ever seen. he comes after therapy...told me today he's going to stop going in a couple of weeks, that its useless, but think he's still going tomorrow.

gonna try to hold steady. this is really hard, harder than anything I've ever done before. but I suppose taking a baseball bat to his head is illegal, so what choice is there?

Patience, Morgan. It takes a little time. He can't just say "never mind" and come home. He needs to work it through, and maybe convince himself that this was all necessary to get where you are now.

If it will help you, practice pushing your own buttons. Write down every thing you think he might say to you tomorrow. Then think of the perfect DB response, and write that down next to it. Then read them out loud in front of the mirror. Laugh yourself silly trying to make his "mad face" in the mirror while you say his lines.

Careful though, we don't want you laughing in his face when he says this stuff tomorrow.

And, no baseball bats, OK?

LOL, I was thinking a foot up the arse at one time with my WAW, but it would turn into one of those weird stories where you go to the hospital to get it surgically separated.

Anyway, hang in there. Don't let him see that anger. We all have it inside but we need to learn to discharge it properly.

Hi Morgan--

I think that you're doing so well! It's just that the emotions are so overwhelming, and they seem never to end. Remember that, with your play-acting, your H won't see what you're feeling. Which is a good thing. That's how you want it. But when you've been used to sharing your feelings with someone, it can feel strange and lonely to be hiding them from that same person.

It's a long, sometimes discouraging process, but I think that you have reason to have plenty of hope.

Morgan,

I just flew back in today and am catching up on the threads. You did GREAT with that visit, ...and I know exactly what you mean about wondering wth happened?? I just went up and looked at the place WE have up in Alaska to measure and plan the move there, and several times found myself either smiling and saying, "well, well, well, good thing I hung in there"....followed by "wth am I doing up here and what happened to HIM and is he going to go bonkers on me again?"

I have Much less fear and much more confidence that I truly will be alright no matter what AND that it would be a terrible loss to HIM if he were to be goofy again. So you know, the h's without their kids are not nearly as happy and carefree as we imagine them to be. My h cannot wait to be a dad again, even if only to our one remaining child at home. He was lonely alright and though his choices hurt the heck out of me, I also know that I more or less..."prevailed" if you kwim. I'm okay and my kids and I are at peace and h is 3000 miles away again (although on the phone with d10 at the moment) and the biggest stressor to me at this point is more about my d18 going off to college, along with all the rest of the changes coming. Regardless of our h's, our kids do grow up. Our time as a one unit family of 5 was only 7 YEARS!! OMG, what a short time. Hopefully it won't be too late for the dads to make up for some of the lost time with our young ones.
j-