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Hi Dave
Thought I would drop in to say hello. You are doing really well and I hope it all works out for you. I am still in early days yet but watching others like you make progress gives me great hope.
You said you were nearly in the same time zone as me where are you located?

Hi chele

Thanks for the support, Its spooky ages are similar , 3 kids married for similar years , I am in NZ so not far away.

Dave

Hi Dave,
Yes it is really amazing how similar a lot of situations are. It is such a shame we have all ended up in this situation. I am so glad I found this life line as it makes it so much easier to have support from people who know exactly what you are going through and to get advise on what to do or not to do. Have you given your W any of the books to read?
I was wondering whether to give my H DB to read although I don't want him to know what I am doing.
He came here on the weekend to get his things and I was so positive and did what the books recommend. He looked awful, has lost a lot of weight and didn't seem very happy, although that was why he left as he wasn't happy. I did feel really bad after he left, it felt like bomb day all over again. But at least he is talking to me even if it is about financial stuff. I am trying really hard to GAL and be proactive about our bad financial situation so hopefully he will notice the changes. He isn't coming back until Sept now so it will only be phone or email contact, which sucks. I will continue to check in to see how your sitch is going.

Journaling

Not much to report realy, Interactions with W are good. I have been concentrating on trying to build up trust and attraction.
Trust by ensuring that I do not ambush her with any difficult stuff when she is around , and not pushing any buttons that will make her feel guilty.
Attraction is a bit harder but I am being a little more playful with her and flirting just a little , then backing off.

I am pretty much treating her a someone I would like to get to know better but am unsure if the feeling is mutual. So its about doing something and judging the response. I have even made some contact by txt and then left if for a couple of days.

The results.

1. She answers txts with wordy replies instead of the yes/no/ ok that I used to get.

2. She is happy to do things for me when I ask.

3. She laughed when i touched her playfully last time I saw her.

Its hard to convey the change in attitude in writing but its there and she is making an effort too in her actions.

No words yet but they don't count anyway. There is no indication that she is thinking about revisiting our relationship and I think that she is still some way from that.

I am being very cautious, shes like a timid bird at the window any sudden move and she will fly away.

I am working on bulding attraction , she needs to want me before we can make any real progress with our new R .

Its already a new R , just were it heads is an unknown.

There is no rush.

Dave

Dave,
Your attitude and approach are fantastic!

This can really open things up. She may get a bit nervous at times, but then when she sees you back off, she will get a bit confused and wonder why you stopped. If you also flirt with other women, this is even more effective! She then starts to really question what she is losing (esp. when the other women respond favorably to your flirting).

Perfect attitude and the reality of your/our sitch!

Dave, this contains so many baby steps I can't even cite them all. Just keep your expectations where they are and don't let her responses change your PMA. Learn what works and what doesn't, do more of what works and stop doing what doesn't.

The mere fact that she is initiating/extending conversations and not giving big negative feedback to your flirting is a giant baby step and an indication that she is (at some level) thinking about how to improve your R. Remember, most affairs start with friendship, yours could too! (Heck my W and I were friends in school and started dating 8 years after we first met!)


Well stated and again exactly the right perspective.

Absolutely. Have you read Deida's Way of the Superior Man ? He talks about this. She will only be attracted to you if she respects you and believes that you are following your true path, irrespective of what she does or does not do.

Exactly!! You are in the zone, working on yourself and seeing if there are possibilities for a R with this woman who you are trying to get to know. Keep thinking that way and you will find the right path for you.

SD

Thank you for the thought provoking reply.



I have not read it but it gets talked about on the forums here so I may see if I can get a copy.



You have this nailed , right now I don't even know if I want to take our relationship further as strange as that may seem.
I know there are a lot of reasons we should but there is going to have to be some changes first.

W is a bit more annoying now when she comes around home. She comments on any changes and its "why is this in here , it belongs ..." sort of stuff , or "We dont usualy watch this on TV " Sorry W we only watched X because you wanted too , the rest of the family want to watch Y ( I didnt actualy say this but did not change the channel to what she wanted ) she is trying to regain control and I am starting to see how controlling she was in our R

Dave

Hey Dave,

Boy, Superdad is right on with his comments and I totally agree with him. Great to see that you are realizing things about W's role in your former R (i.e. the controlling issues). I think you are doing a great job staying strong and confident when communicating and being with W -- it is likely telling her a lot! Awesome baby steps too (all around good stuff)! Also, your attitude about where your R needs to be before you yourself really want to reinvest in it is well-seasoned, not to mention something for all of us to aspire to.

Keep enjoying your picnic and rock that ZZ Top and Pink Floyd like no other! I saw Roger Waters several years ago and it was one of the best shows I've seen (most of the shows I've seen have been pretty awesome though).

GD

Dave,



Not strange at all, in fact, it seems to be a common thought as we progress through the phases, doesn't it.

You're my hero (along with Neil Young )

Sunny

Dave,

I totally agree with Sunny, not wanting to move any further without changes from the W sounds perfectly rational to me. I want my W back, and hope she comes back. I don't want her back with the same poor communication style on her part that contributed to us being here. I'm changing, she's gotta change a bit too.

Those little control things you mentioned would be terribly annoying. Stay on track.

Pink Floyd in Rice Stadium during a Thunderstorm. THough it was cut a little short (damn lightning), it was awesome. I was younger, so the herb added to the experience.

BD

I love how most, if not all, of the people I post with here are classic rock buffs! Makes me feel so at home... (Zeppelin is my all-time fav, by the way).

GD