Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

oh god, everyone, please help me. I'm a mess. truly a mess. I've been doing okay for the most part...pretty much this thread says it all. today I had therapy, which went so well. I just love my therapist. even on a day that I'm not really into it, I still end up feeling energized and refreshed, and full of hope for myself.

got home, H takes the kids to swimming on tuesday mornings and hangs out at home. I was fine, doing my thing with him...no snooping, no R talk, just peppy me. he asked if I minded if he worked at home for an hour or so (home office) and I said no problem. we chatted a little, then I took the kids outside to play and do yardwork while he worked. an hour or so later, the kids were hot and wanted to come in for a bit, so in we came. I cleaned up and then went downstairs (where his office is) to do some laundry.

this is where things went bad. He stopped me as I was leaving and asked if we could talk. I said of course. he asked what was going on with us. I asked what he meant. he asked why I was so normal on the phone lately and such. I thought for a moment, then told him, I still want to save our marriage, but at the same time, I found myself becoming someone I didn't like, some one I didn't recognize...he asked what that meant...I said I was moping/wallowing/angry all the time, and that isn't me, and I don't want it to become me, so no more. I was clear I wanted to save our M, but also that I needed to live my life.

He started to say, how can we save our M, what was I doing to save it. then he cut me off when I started to say that I was more than happy to try to work on it when he was ready to. he said I really confused him lately with my attitude change and he even talked to his therapist about it. He started saying how he can't live like this anymore (at his moms) and what was I going to do about it, essentially. I asked what did he want to do about it, he had no ideas, and complained that the brunt of everything is on his shoulders. I knew I shouldn't, but I reminded him that I had offered to get the house on the market so we could get it sold and we could both get small places, then he would have his own place. this, of course, is not what he wants...he wants to move in with OW, but has never said that straight out. he snorted like this wasn't an option.

then he said, how can we save our M when there isn't anything here anymore. I said there is for me, I still love him. He went off on me...really enraged, asked me wtf it was going to take for me not to be in love with him anymore. He was yelling at me, this is all my fault stuff. I froze. literally. I had been so calm up until now, even though inside I was panicking. now I froze, then said calmly, "I don't deserve to be talked to this way," and turned around and went upstairs.

immediately burst into tears, grabbed the phone and ran upstairs. tried to call my friend (the therapist) but she wasn't home. I cried for a minute, dried my tears, then walked downstairs with more laundry.

I didn't say anything as I walked past him to the laundry room. He said he was sorry. I said okay, but nothing more. He repeated that he was sorry, I said okay, again...not in an angry/resentful way, but more of an accepting your apology way. that is big for me since normally I would brush aside the even need to apologize and try to make him feel better.

we talked for a few minutes. then I went back upstairs. he followed and jumped on my computer to try to print something. then suddenly he was going off on me again...about how I'm doing all these 180s (lol, but not really, still funny he used the word) and wtf was up with me, and that I have been doing nothing for 3 years and suddenly I'm off to NYC, I'm doing this that and the other, I'm happier than he's seen me in a while, etc. I told him calmly that I didn't like how I had been and was changing these things. I also noted that part of how i had been was the fact that my kids had been very young...they still are, but not like they have been. 3 is a much different age than 2. I stayed calm and such, he did not. then he said goodbye to the
kids and left.

as he was walking past our front window, he turned and gave me the finger and mouthed FU. He didn't realize I was standing there and saw it. I went outside and asked why he did that...I was calm, but asked what I did, why did he do that? He started to deny it, then started really yelling. came in and started in again about how all of this is my fault...all of it.

he is just sooo angry at me. I don't know why. I guess I do know why, he has his own guilt and channels it to me so he doesn't have to deal with it. but while I know I don't deserve it, it hurts like hell that he sees me this way, that he sees us this way, and that he treats me this way.

folks, I'm losing it here. I don't know if I did okay or what. I don't think there is anything I could have done differently...what do you think? is there anything i'm missing here. I'm sorry this is so long, I tried to condense it.

please help me. I don't know what I've done wrong. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to make my husband stop hating me. and I'm so scared tomorrow will bring the day that he asks me for the divorce.

omg. I can't stop crying.

(((Morgan)))

You handled it great. I am totally impressed, in fact.

You have done NOTHING wrong. Your H's reactions are HIS problem, not yours.

You can't "make" your H do anything, and you can't fix it... I wish you could, I really do, but it's up to him. But you are fixing YOU and you are doing great - and even standing up for yourself, which is the part that impressed me.

You're doing so well Morgan, really. I know it's hard to see.

Morgan, I think you handled this very well, *really* well. You were calm and set your boundaries. As NikkiB says, it is up to your H to handle himself and how he feels. You can't change this directly. He seems pretty confused from his reaction. He is angry, but probably at himself more than anything. You on the other hand sound like you are on a strong path and doing really well with it too.

We all want our WAS to change and come back to us, but we have to concentrate on ourselves first and hope that they join the dots themselves. We cannot expect them to come back though, only hope. As has often been said, either way we will move on as a stronger, happier, more self aware and satisfied individual. Whether that is with them, someone else or just ourselves, who knows? But we will be in a better place than we are now.

Max

Morgan, you did great! This had to happen some time, and its too bad that he had to ambush you like that, but you did fine.

He is angry at you because your behavior, attitude, etc is making him re-think his plans. He probably was hoping to hear that you had met someone, and that would make all his plans easier. Then he could get mad at you for that and be justified in his own behavior.

He is no longer sure he wants a divorce. He thinks maybe its a trick. He is confused, and that makes him angry. He can't be angry at himself, so he is angry at you. Remember that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. If he's angry, he still cares.

Go ahead and cry. You need it. Then hold your course.

Morgan, I'm certainly no expert but I think you handled it amazingly! You are staying true to you and staying strong for you and your children. Way to go! He obviously is noticing the changes in you but more importantly you are happy with the changes which makes you loveable and strong. I know it hurts to hear his anger but it is directed at himself and the confusion within him. Keep healthy for you.

Yes, indifference is what I get and it really hurts.

Or quite possibly angry with you BECAUSE you are on such a strong path and doing so well. My H got really mad when I started "turning his head" again. He was resolved, he had his mind made up, and I was making him rethink things. It made him mad. But what's the way to "not" do that - become weak, pathetic, make him "sure" he wants out again, and make yourself miserable at the same time?? Ummm.. NO! So you keep on doing what you're doing. If he's mad that you're happy, doing well, strong... well, that's his problem.

you all are wonderful, thank you so much. I can't believe the support...it really helps. I am still a mess, have temporarily pulled it together for the kids sake. as soon as they are in bed, though, I'm sure I'm going to let 'er rip again. I just feel so sick. I've known in my heart for a while that he just wants me to do the hard part...the letting go. figures if he keeps going long enough, I'll end it so he won't have to. maybe he thinks he's even being kind by doing that, I don't know. all I do know is that this is breaking my heart. but I won't let it break me. I can't. I won't.

I know what I'll say when he asks for the D. that, at least, is comfort. cold comfort, but comfort none the less.

what really makes me mad, and is probably what is making him mad, is this. when I found out about the a, I did what I normally would do in crisis mode...go into autodrive, trying to fix everything. I had a therapist the day I found out, and a couples therapist by the end of the week (took me a couple of days to confront him). we were in both appts that week. one of the first things the CT gave us to do was to write down things we needed from the other to make a sincere effort to save the marriage. I did mine immediately, although most of it revolved around ending the affair...I was shell shocked that there were any problems, keep in mind. he finally did his a week later, and gave it to me rather nervously, saying I wouldn't like it. It was almost all stuff I wanted to change about myself. things like buy myself more clothes (I tended, as a sahm, to let that go a bit), develop some new social life outside of him and outside of playdates, and to keep the house better (I have a high tolerance for clutter, as long as its cleaned up at the end of the day). all of this was stuff I embraced immediately. I've made huge strides, in fact. and now he resents me for all of it. it pisses him off. and I'm sorry, but f him for that.

okay, so now, what do I say when he calls to say goodnight to the kids? anything? do I keep things light? if he doesn't call tonight, he's coming tomorrow afternoon for visitation (already plan to go somewhere while he's here). I'll see him/talk to him at some point. what do I do????

I just can't believe how he is acting, how he is treating me. especially how he has been acting lately, which seemed better in a way. maybe you all are right...maybe that freaks him out so he is putting a stop to it. I don't get why he would want to.

I am tired of being treated like the bad guy by him. I am. trust me, I take responsibility for my part in the weakening of our marriage, but omg, according to him I am evil incarnate. and I promise you, I am not. no matter how much he wants to twist things so that it seems like I am I'm not.

wanted to add, I want to point out to him when he complains about my 180s and such, doesn't he like the me I am now better than the me I was a few months ago? I'm much more like the me I was pre kids. I mean, why is it so shocking that I might be that person again? if he had just once, pre-a, pointed out to me these issues, things could have been so different. instead he has it in his head I couldn't be the me I am again.

should I point that out to him or just leave it??

When he calls, or tomorrow when he comes by, act exactly the way you did yesterday or last week.

No decisions were made today, no changes required. He might not call tonight because he won't have sorted it out yet. But by tomorrow he will be sorry for his outburst. He already apologized once (before giving the finger to the house), and he may or may not want to apologize again. Most likely he will want to pretend it didn't happen. Let him. He needs to internalize what has changed, and that will take time.

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At some point you can point that out, but not right now. Instead of looking back and pointing fingers, you can talk about how much easier it is to take care of the kids now, and how you can't wait until they're all in school! Talk about how you want to have fun again--not in answer to his request, but for you.