Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

Morgan,

I don't know what is wrong. They clearly think nothing is wrong or convince themselves that there are excuses for their behaviour. Perhaps they just have different values and if the going gets tough they just carry on walking.

I too expected some level of loyalty and commitment when we got married (after all she asked me), but that seems to have disappeared very quickly. I also think that I am no longer being allowed to know the full picture. Wasn't I at least her best friend too? It felt like it.

My W doesn't really think about us any more, I don't understand that. Is it denial or did she just close down a long time ago when I was not aware? Perhaps the bond for her was never that strong. But still, after 10 years together surely there must be something in there? Can she really feel nothing? Perhaps it is too early for her and she can only concentrate on herself, as a means of coping. She seems so detached though.

Sorry, a bit of a rant there, had a sleepless night. No thanks required on the support front, but it is appreciated.

Max

morgan- ive been on this site for a long time(see threads) and been thru many trials and tribulations leading to D 3 months ago and i still dont know WTF is wrong with my WAW or the others who have sent us here...it sounds like you have been true to yourself and your convictions and that is the important thing...do not let their irrational behavor change in any way who YOU are....i took the high road till the bitter end and still am even now and despite the fact that sometimes makes me feel like a fool in retrospect im so glad i did...for my children, for myself and for even somehow for her..if only for her to see (maybe someday) the importance and virtue of honesty,fidelity,committment....these WAS are so short-sighted that they lose perspective....we cannot because of who we are.....dont let him or anyone for that matter change who you are morgan....good luck and god bless you and your kids....BT

Max, your post made me cry. seriously. or maybe its just that I'm deep in wallow mode. I just don't understand how H can be this person, how he can be doing this. Its like I meant nothing to him. we weren't just married, we were best friends. I don't deserve how he's treating me, and I don't understnad it. I need to stop focusing on him. I know that, but still, its hard. I need to not only seem to GAL, I need to do it, I need to move forward. and I feel pathetic that I even want him considering how he has treated me the last few months. but I do. and I need not to, and I don't want to not want him, so that really is a catch 22, isn't it? I don't know how they can be so callous, our spouses.

hope you are having an okay day. I spent today with my brit friend, btw, and wondered how you were doing.

BT, thanks for your words of wisdom. so sorry about your D, I really am. its not what any of us signed up for, is it? I'm still hoping my M has a chance, although I think there is a part of me that understands that there isn't really one. will try to live by those words...I'm not going to let him change who I am. don't get me wrong, there were things I didn't like about myself, things I'd let go of due to just getting preoccupied with family stuff, and those things I willingly change, whether he is with me or not. but I'm generally speaking a really upbeat, fun person. I feel like this is dragging me down a black hole, turning me into a person who cries and feels sorry for herself constantly. that is not who I am or who I want to be, so I have to fight it. I have to find my strength and hold onto it.

it all just hurts so much right now. I know I need to be myself, be strong and independent and so forth, but the reality is that every step closer I get to really being that, in other words making it instead of faking it, I know I am further away from him, that its one step cloesr to the end.

I miss my H so much. I miss being held. I miss the comfort and the love. I am so blessed with my children...they love me and hug me and kiss me and tell me how much they love me and make me feel like a rock star. and I love them so much I ache. but its not the same as having strong arms wrap around me. its not the same as feeling so secure and so loved in a way only a spouse can.

okay, sorry to blather on. I'm a big blubbery mess. he just left with them and dammit, fridays suck. at least I don't let him see that. I was busy and perky and oh so myself when he came.

well, off to wash my face then get a pedicure. off to NYC tomorrow for a girls weekend. hopefully will snap out of this dark mood and just have fun.

morgan...hope you have a blast in the big apple...you deserve it!
i just got back from a trip to M. Vineyard last week and it was quite refreshing....talk to you soon....BIG TUNA

thanks, bt. you know, I have lived in new england off and on for a while now, and I have never ever been to MV or N. Someday! was hoping this year, but doesn't look like it. I'm so weird, H has never been, either, even though he's a native bostonian, and I have this feeling he's going this year (OW has been to both many times). that irritates me to no end. funny how we latch onto things, isn't it?

NYC was amazing. I had the best time. it was me and 3 girlfriends...we ate/drank/had a blast. gorgeous weather, couldn't have ordered it better.

a couple of interesting H related things that I am probably reading too much into, but wth. first, I took off for nyc early saturday morning. called H to say good morning to the kids and that was fine. the thing is, H didn't ask me to call him when I got there or anything, something he normally would do, especially since this was my first time driving myself into the city. so when I got there, I decided not to call him...didn't want to pursue or whatever. I met up with my friends and we headed over to the museum of modern art and about an hour later, H calls. ostensibly to tell me a "cute kid" story, but it was not a story that couldn't have waited, ya know? I told him I had called his mom (she had freaked about me going by myself, so I did when I got there) and he then confessed to being worried himself and glad I got there okay.

then this morning, I called to say good morning to the kids before heading to breakfast. he got very chatty, even went outside to talk to me (no kid noise). a couple of hours later he called me 2x, I missed the calls (at breakfast) so called him right back. He said (gasp) that he noticed (gasp) that I was low on some stuff from costco so packed the kids off and headed there on a (gasp) sunday morning to stock me up. you have to understand, our costco is the 7th circle of hell on a weekend day. not only that, but since I asked him to move out a month or so ago, he has not done one blessed thing around here...not one thing. So for him to notice, and then to do something about it, was oh so shocking. the other shocking part was that he said, he saw the new harry potter book there (yeah, I'm one of them) and thought I wouldn't have had a chance to get it, so went ahead and picked it up for me.

gasp.


he called again (yes, again) on the drive home to tell me he took the kids to Garden in the Woods and that he thought my mom and I would LOVE it (haven't been before). for him to even think of that and then call is so much who he used to be, but not the ass I've been living with lately.

okay, all of that was great because he was actually chatty, human, and thinking of me. but I know how easily I read into stuff, how much I want to read into it, still hard not to.

and then I get slammed. I hit some traffic coming out of the city and was later getting home than I had expected, although not that far off. he sounded a bit thrown off...we had never talked about a time, he and I both figured mid-late afternoon, I got home at 4:30. When he sounds a bit put out from the timing, I of course automatically think he must have a hot date with OW. probably just ready to take a break from the kids, trying to remind myself of that. then I get home, he asks if we can re-arrange visitation this week...he has plans for saturday so wants to take them thurs-sat morn instead of fri-sun morning. without thinking, I asked what was up...not in a shrew way, just in an interested, oh, what plans way...the way I'd ask anyone. he got very defensive and said he had a golf date with "someone" and didn't elaborate.

long story short (well, shorter), I have been on a bit of a rollercoaster. but I think over all I did okay. I did call him and tell him fine about this week (had told him I needed to check my calendar). will hope for the best, and keep on GAL of my own.

well, there is my update. so hard, isn't it? I keep reading into things, both good and bad. I just felt so sad that I couldn't hug/kiss him after being away. at least the kids smothered me.

He was put off when you got home, not because he had a hot date, but because he was concerned about you. You hadn't set a time, but it was later than he expected. He had a time in mind, and was tortured every minute thereafter until you arrived. He couldn't call to ask, but perhaps wished you had called to let him know. Top it off with the fact that he hates that he still cares, because it confuses him.

As for next week, perhaps he has a golf date Sunday, and perhaps something more special Saturday night. You don't know, and you don't need to know. He may very well have switched it around just to make you think something was up.

unfortunately no torture. unless it was from OW giving him grief, or himself giving him grief, because of the possible plans being delayed. The Garden in the Woods call was at 3, so he knew when my eta was by then (gps and all that). In fact, I think its almost funny that he came up with excuses to call me this weekend...the cute kids story, garden in the woods story. all were obviously because he wanted to know I made it to NYC, and then to find out my eta. he can't just say it. funny, and irritating at the same time.

or maybe I'm off and he just wanted to get away from the kids for a bit. sounds like K was especially whiney, so that could be.

the thing I am NOT going to do is call his mom and chat with her, then hint around to find out what time he got home last night. and I'm going to make some plans for this weekend so I'm too busy to dwell on what his plans might be. well, dwell much, anyway. thinking maybe since its opening week this week at saratoga, maybe we'll go on sunday.

a huge proud I forgot to share...I borrowed his GPS for the ride, and did not look thru his favorite places to find her address. nope, didn't do it. and I know its there (they've driven together on business trips, I'm sure they've started at her place before).

I just don't know what is wrong with me sometimes. seriously. It all just feels like the end, and I still so don't want it to be. I don't. I want us to find this magical way to work out. I want him to finally see the light. but every time it feels like he is pulling toward me, I feel the door slam the next day.

morgan,

Your thoughts about your H echo mine. Her current attitude is as if we were never married or any more than just acquaintances. I move between being baffled, to insulted and then thinking I just don't want to see her because I find it too hard to understand.

My weekend was very good, although sad. My sister and her H were having a huge family celebration as they got married earlier in the year. At first I found it really hard to be amongst so many members of my family (lots of new babies, happy couples, etc), but it's great since they are all so supportive and kind to me. I truely have a wonderful family.

I have also had some really good news in that I was offered a new job at the end of last week. Much better pay, interesting work, etc. It could be quite stressful though, but it's time for a change and at least now I can look after myself with the extra income. So that's given me a big boost. Having lots of interviews has been stressful, particularly given all the other things that have been going on. I haven't slept much recently either, so am feeling really exhausted and drained. Taking it easy tonight in the hope I can sleep at last.

At least you get to go off on a girls weekend! That sounds quite good to me!

Take care,

Max

nice to have someone understand. I am amazed at my own reactions to things sometimes, and to find out others have similar ones is helpful in a way.

so glad you have so much support around you. and congrats on the new job!!! sounds like a new challenge, with some good perks to it.

hopefully you are sleeping now, or will be shortly. I know of sleepless nights. I remember wondering, in a very detached way, when I would sleep or eat again.

the girls weekend was wonderful. definitely what the dr. ordered.

take care of yourself...hopefully things will get brighter for you on the w front. I wish they were on the H front. I figure as depressing as it gets, and as bleak an outcome as I forsee right now, at least we aren't fighting right now and haven't for a couple of weeks. cold comfort when I think he's with her, but hey, he was when we were fighting, so at least I don't have the fight stress on top of the rest. I'm trying to remain upbeat and ME again. I'm so stressed about what he is up to next weekend...wondering, obsessing about it, you name it. still, when he called to talk the the kids tonight, I was perky and chatty and completely not what I would have been 2 weeks ago. who knows if it really makes a difference. I wish I could forsee the future sometimes...wish I knew if I was just spinning my wheels here.

morgan: you hang in there...you sound like you are doing fine...just remember what a great time you had in NYC with your g/friends and DO NOT obsess over what he is doing this upcoming weekend...no matter what it is you cant change it anyway....my
WAW still to this day is very secretive about her plans on the weekends...its a power thing i think...even if they arent doing anything they want you to think they are because they know you are worrying/wondering...as far as your last comment....i was in retrospect spinning my wheels and many questioned my level of sanity in fighting for my M till the bitter end but you know what im glad i did...i dont think there was anything i could of done to save it but im so glad for me and my children i took (and am still taking)the high road all the way....on a lighter note the vineyard is a great place to visit...you should go when you get an opportunity....talk 2 you soon.....god bless....BT