Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Reality...Bite Me

wow.. you've been quiet for quite a while, unbroken.
how are you doing?

I'm going to abuse the threadjack invitation some more, and hide in here to babble about philosophical things.

I have learned, [through just doing a search, not advertising myself], that there are approximately 50 women within 20 miles of me, that I would potentially be interested in dating. Women with positive Christian values, child friendly, in my age range and height, who seem to be visually appealing to me as well.

**50**. From just one website.
Odds should be pretty good that 5% of them could be interested in me. So, maybe 2 of them, I could develop a really positive, happy, warm relationship, with someone i could actually TRUST.. and be selfishly happy with them for the rest of my life (10-50 years?)

Or... i can choose to stay unattached, and not get mixed up in dangerous things.
I say "selfishly happy", because I know it would be contrary to what my children need.

I just read "MyTurnNow"s latest update. 3 years after D-day. her husband is coming crawling back. and she doesnt want anything to do with him. She has a "new guy", that is interested in her, and is nice to her. Her husband has realized the error of his ways, and is apparently out of MLC. In theory, he could turn a new leaf, and be good to her, if she ever wanted to take him back.

Thing is.. even if my wife comes out of MLC.. she still has.. "personal issues", that will quite probably be with her for the rest of her life. Which would make being with her again, a constant trial. Not to mention that she has poisoned her family against me to the point where that whole family dynamic will probably be miserable for a decade.

I could push for finishing up the divorce, and be selfishly happy with someone new.
Or... I could stay available, for the sake of my children. At least for the next 11 years or so, until they're grown enough that it wont much matter because the damage from divorce/separation will be permenently done at that point.

But by then, I will have sat out on "the best years of my life". For "nothing", in earthly terms.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it ), I've been hearing a fair amount of reminders here and there about how Christians should sacrifice their lives for Jesus, in thanks for His sacrifice for us.

Which is a reminder that a husband is called to "give his life for his wife"... and that does not neccessarily mean by dying.
Biblically speaking, reguardless of the feminist complaints about the other side, i think you women have the easier calling :P

I think God has called me (as all husbands) to stay true to her, no matter how long it takes. Perhaps even if reconciliation never comes. Sometimes, I can feel good about doing the right thing. And sometimes... i dont know if I can really stick to that.


Sad thing is... I think perhaps my heart can take it, but my sexual/physical drive cannot. I've always had a weakness in that area.. my wife and I got involved like that way too soon. I have a feeling I'm gonna end up doing something stupid sooner rather than later, just because of that area.
i need physical affection. sigh...
I might end up seeing someone for "cuddling"s sake, and then get into big trouble.
:-(


I guess i should say.. i DO still love my wife. i do wish she'd wake up. I'm just feeling rather pessimistic that she will.
maybe in about 3 months, afer she's "settled in" to her newly remodelled rooms, and is working in her mother's school as well as living with her (ahahah.. ahahaha... AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!) she might snap out of it. guess I'm just having a pity party

Hey DR,
I guess I just don't have much to say lately. Sure, things have happened here and there, good and bad, but what's the point. I guess I find myself focusing my energy elsewhere. I come here and lurk once in a while, but I find I do it less and less...and when I am on here, I find I spend less and less time lurking. I have gotten to a point where...it is what it is, nothing more/nothing less and there is nothing that I say or do that will change anything.

I hear you say, "I could do this or I could do that". Your searching for you own happiness and that's great...one small step at a time. Don't rush it. You know there are a lot of women out there that could make you potentially happy, you don't need a website to tell you that. Happiness is a choice, but how you choose to make yourself happy is your decision. Sometimes you gotta just let it be. If you happen to meet someone you like and enjoy spending time with, so be it...just don't get your children involved with this person until you know it's for real (at least a year). If your wife wants to come back to you, take it slow and make sure you are making the right decision for you and your children. Sometimes just sitting back and letting things be gives you a new perspective. Maybe you will find that it's nice to spend time with you!

As far as the physical part...you can take care of that by yourself ya know.

its not just about hormones (although i have lots of those :-)
its more about affection.
"taking care of things by myself" doesnt give me affection.

If my wife decides to come back.. I wont have doubts about making the decision to try again with her.
my doubt is that she will ever decide to do so (at the level of her actually putting effort into it)

you're right in everything else you said. i know that already....
but it's nice to hear it from someone else.
Thank you.

It's just tough to wait it out.
if it wasnt for my children, i should just "go dark", probably. But after consistently showing them for a year, that I'd like mommy to come back... I don't think they would or could understand me changing like that. they'd think i had just given up. I dont think they're old enough to understand, so i'll try to stay the same.


oh well. tomorrow night, i'll have my first "grown-ups only' social night. bowling with a buncha people. should be fun

sounds like you're getting on with life yourself nicely and keeping yourself occupied. i'm glad

Journaling...
Just saw H for the first time since he got back from tour. Why is everything soooooo hard? I get upset when H is gone, I get upset when he pulls away...and I get upset even when we have a nice conversation. I just feel like I will never be able to look at him the same or see the person I fell in love with. H was over to be with D10 and right before he was leaving, all 3 of us were making jokes and laughing. It felt so nice at the time...then, he leaves and reality sets in. It's hard to still have moments like these even though he is truly gone...

yeah.. it is hard.

I think that the 'standing' and 'detaching' mantras, are about allowing ourselves to see and enjoy the good parts like that... yet also detaching and occupying ourselves elsewhere, when they behave like schmucks.
(not putting UP with being treated badly directly... but when they are being less than nice to us, for us to just go do something else)

the "standing" part, being allowing ourselves to see the good parts still left in them. I'm not sure what you mean by "truely gone"... I thought you had decided that floozie was probably not going to be a permenant fixture in his life?

I agree with you DR, standing and detaching are about taking care of ourselves...I have gotten better at that over time.

By "truly gone", I just meant that I really don't think he will ever want to come back. I don't think his infatuation with OW will last, but it will take a long time and I think he would have to go the whole 9 yards (i.e. long R, living together, maybe even M) for him to get over her...and they haven't even start R yet. The other factor is his band...if they do well, then that opens up a whole bunch of new doors for him...new people, new places, new things, new girls. I honestly don't think that I/family life will ever measure up. I think he feels like we hold him back from his dreams...and there's nothing I can do about that. If the band doesn't do well then he will become very depressed...not to mention, if he decides he would want to come home after he tried everything else, that would make me feel like second best...an issue I have always had in our R. I don't know if I could handle that.

It sounds like you are saying:

- He life sounds so exciting now, why would he come back

- If he does, he's going to be depressed.

Sounds to me, like you are just describing the stereotypical MLC maybe you should go re-read the MLC forum guides on the stages of MLC, to cheer yourself up a bit. (or at least, have a reasonable expectation of being ok, if you stick things out. they're not exactly cheerful... sigh...)

According to that, they all go through depression, when they realize their dreams arent perfect, and they come back to reality. So the depression stage is not a "bad" thing in the long term. Just rough to deal with.

As far as the second best thing... weeelll... that's something you're going to have to work out within yourself.

For my take on it.. i figure that for every marriage, there's always going to be someone else who is "better" at something than you are, to your spouse. The most important question is whether your spouse realizes that, and still makes the commitment to stay with you, for the rest of your lives, and make the best marriage the two of you can have.

If they choose to live their life in "if only i went with..." mode, then obviously, you are both going to be miserable with that. If on the other hand, they choose to say, "the person I am married with, is a great person to be with, and that makes me happy"... then that's good enough for me, at least. That would make me quite happy, if my wife would think like that.
That's something I believe we could build a great marriage on.

PS: dunno if this hurts or helps, but...
"havent started R yet"? I think that having sex, counts as "started R".
I seem to recall you mentioning just a week or two ago, about him not being quite so happy with her already.

You're right, my sitch isn't special. H does display similar behaviors that MLCrs do...depression being one, but H has been dealing with depression long before our R. I believe H has a lot of work to do on himself if he wants to have a long term, healthy R and it is going to be up to him if he realizes this and wants to put in the hard work. "Commitment" is obviously the big issue...and realizing the grass is not greener. Will H be one of those who comes to this realization? I don't know. I have talked to many people who are older and none the wiser when it comes to M. They express their unhappiness and feel like they can get something better somewhere else...it's so frustrating.


I really don't know what is going on with OW. I do know they kissed once (but I'm not stupid and I'm sure it went further at some point). H did say he is not in R with her about a month ago, but it doesn't matter because I know he still has feelings for her and as long as he is emotionally invested in her, there is no room to have feelings for me. I feel like a lot of others on here, I don't see anything when I look at him. It's sad to see such a blank look on his face and in his eyes. I don't think H has the balls to come back even if he wanted to. My H was always in defense mode throughout our R. He never felt like he did anything wrong. There were times I admit he apologized on occasion, but it felt insincere. It felt like he just did it to end an argument. Not to say that I was perfect, I was not and I will be the first to apologize and try make changes...something he was not willing to do. There were many times he would apologize for something that hurt my feelings, but would continue to do it anyway...to me, that's not a real apology.

I have little faith in him. I have little hope that he will feel for me again. I have little hope that I could ever see him the same way again. I feel sad seeing some of this reality, but this isn't my entire life. I have little hope in this sitch, but I do have hope for me because that's all I can depend on right now.

That's why its important that you dont completely give up... so that, every once in a long while... you can say or do something to indicate that the door can still be opened again. (so long as he is willing to change by treating you better)





Hmm. tough to deal with people like that.
Interestingly, I read somewhere that they are the MOST likely people to have affairs. Because people who realize they arent perfect, realize that they CAN screw up, and so are more likely to avoid things that lead to it.



Well.. on the down side.. you cant control him, or his feelings... he may never come around, this is true.

But on the up side... most people DO wake up out of MLC... and unless he is both incredibly talented, AND incredibly lucky, his band wont last either. The odds are on your side. it's just the time period that is horrible.

You will never see him the same way as you did when you first got married. But I think you can still love him, incredibly strongly, and lovingly, to the degree a great marriage needs.
you wouldnt be here otherwise.

chin up. keep yourself occupied, and amused, while the clock runs down.