Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy OM/PA, MLC and the hits keep coming............Pt2

Hey andyv
I'm back at work. The start of my day the end of yours. Hows it going? My sitch is soooo Confusing to me right now. I just don't know what to do.
I wish I could get my head on straight like yours seems to be.
But I just keep on flip floping

Husband

Hey Husband,

I still reckon you should try to detach more. You are in a perfect position to do this. It seems that your wife is still in the stage my W was around Feb.

If I knew then what I know now I would have detached and given her space. I know we would be together now (but I didn't and things are much worse now).

I know how hard it is but you are still there for her, and she knows it. If it is anything like my sitch, it will get worse and your W will withdraw further.

You have to make her miss you, and detaching/GALing will give her the opportunity and space to realise what she is doing. At the moment she does not have that space.

It will get better for you buddy.

I second what Andy is saying..... Give her space.... My W was in this ambivilent stage for a few months and I did a lot of the things that you are currently doing. I did date nights, I bought her a gift when I was out of town...That did nothing but push her further and further away. In fact she told me to stop doing this for her. That is when I did stop and backed off. Unfortunately it was to late for me. Your a good man, I know this is hard...really hard. But give her as much space as possible. Try to put your old M as far out of your mind as you possible can. Keep up the GALing, it will help in this area.

Detach as best you can, and enjoy every moment with your son.

-ERC

Andyv, Husband,

I need help. I know my wife is dead set on divorce and I would like to control the situation so I have the advantage. I am considering serving her this week with a legal separation with no intent of divorce. I am hoping she comes to her senses and realizes the mistake she's made running to OM.

This could backfire on me and expedite the divorce process though. At this point I am pretty sick and tired of her behavior and ready to move on or work on reconciliation. GAL has given me back my dignity and I don't believe I need to put up w/ her Sh$t, especially when we have kids. I would really like to either work on the M or move on. Since she doesn't want to work on the M only work on D, I am ready to oblige.

I also don't want to be financially responsible for escapades w/ OM as we are both still liable until one of us is served. What do you guys think? I am not rich by any means and don't want money that should be used for my kids going to the OM. I value your opinions and I know your sitches are similar to mine. Help me guys!!!

By the way Husband, did that object in the sky you mentioned the other day have any of our Spouses??

Andyv,

Good for you on your "dating" scene. I know you're still hopeful on the M, but I hear what you're saying about feeling appreciated and respected. We get none of that at home and our W's have made it clear not to expect any so why not get the validation elsewhere(minus the sex for now)?

I still would feel a little guilty going out on dates when I'm not even legally separated from my spouse, but it doesn't seem fair that they have all the fun, none of the guilt. Keep stocking chocolates around the house, I'm sure your W will eat them all. Take care.

Hey WAW
I am the wrong guy to ask. I am at the same place as you. I don't like being in limbo land. I to eater want to work on the M or let it go. But I have my son to think about. And I think I am willing to give it a little longer. I am planning on detaching a little more. Next week is my son’s and Daughters B-day party. We are having a BBQ so it will be another week before I can do anything anyway. I was thinking about doing some major detaching. I will be gone with my son when she gets home from work for the next two weeks. After the second week I may try for a second “Date”.
But I hear where you are coming from. I too hate waiting for our S to decide our future. I am lucky that W’s OM lives out of state. I know she thinks I do not trust her. I have NEVER lied to her in 16 years. I was thinking about that today. I was thinking about how many lies she has told me in the last two months. I can tell she is holding back. But I don’t know if she is holding back her good feelings for me or her bad feelings. I don’t know how some people have gone 6-8 months DBing. But I’m going to wait a little longer. I know I have not been much help but at least to can see there are others that are just as confused as you.

Take care
Husband

Hey andyv.
What's up? I am going to try distancing a little more. I am going to take my son to shoot some pool tonight so we will not be home when the W gets there. No Note, No message. No body home. I am going to try to do something with him all week. We will leave before she gets home so the house will be empty.
Has it stopped raining? It’s been in the 90's here.

Husband

WAW,

Is there any way that you can possibly separate your money without going for legal separation.

Our finances are pretty complex, with our house etc, and we have organised for W to get an allowance to cover what she needs to live on. I know how hard it is to think about your W spending money on OM, it was hard for me. I still cover the bills and everything for DD, along with groceries etc for home (because most of her wage goes on the morgage, and I top it up along with paying for everything else).

I tried to suggest an even split with everything, but when I sat down and worked it out, my W was going to be in the red if we did do that.

But I have found that my W has been spending less due to having to manage her own allowance, to cover her entertainment, clothing and food (lunch's and coffee's at work).

I have also found that she is more careful with her money now, and other than spending time with OM and friends, she does not go nightclubbing near as much (poss due to being in a R?, but she did mention cover charges, parking etc built up).

Maybe legal separation may be the go, but it may also tick her off. I know you don't want to be in limbo, but I still think now is not the time to be making ultimatums with you W, it may go "pear" shaped.

This will be a long process for you, and you will have more ups than downs. If your really want to salvage a new R with your W, it will take time and a lot of hard work.

But only you know your sitch better than anyone, and if you think legal separation is the go then that is what you need to do. I know how stubborn my W is, and any ultimatum would have given her the energy and committment to end things as quickly as possible.

Husband,

Thats good to hear that you will be spending time with your son this week. You need to do more of this. Also look after yourself as well, GALing is about your wife seeing that you are moving on with or without her. It is great to see you spending quality time with your son, as I have with my daughter, but you have to start "going out" for your self occassionally with friends etc.

Early on I pretty much did everything with DD, but somehow that was not really GALing. It was more catching up for lost time and enjoying every moment that I could with her.

I think that in my W's eyes, It appeared that I was still "holding on" by spending all this time with DD and not really "moving on".

I find now that I can still spend heaps of time with DD during the day, and I can still spend time and hang out with friends during a night, mainly on weekends. You can still juggle both. This way your W will see that you are "out and about" without her, and it may make her think a little about what she may be losing.

I also find that my W try's to get little "digs" in whenever she sees me happy, or whenever she sees me going out, her mood changes quite considerably, almost pee'd off like.

This morning I got up a little earlier (finished work at 1am) to see DD before she got dropped of at before school care at 7am (her school has a dress up day, and she dressed up as cinderella, we bought the outfit together because W couldn't be bothered). DD got a little annoyed with W and did not want her to drop her off at school, and wanted to go with me (mind you I am still half asleep).

So W says "fine" and storms off to work without even saying goodbye to her or myself. She has becoming more distant and moody, even though I have not been in her space for nearly a month. Who knows what is going through her mind?

So, there goes my sleep in. I had to have a shower, get dressed, feed DD and prepare her lunch, then get her to school (still pissing down with rain here).

But DD was so happy, and she really did make my day. I am home now, and am wide awake, no thought of getting anymore sleep (am working late shift again tonight). So I will go to the gym in a few hours, then meet up with work mates before shift for a Chai Latte (cant get enough of it, I am hooked on the stuff).