Yep! You are absolutely correct. Will only get harder the more they want to be around. I think it is much easier to do the things we try to practice when they are distant and make us angry anyway. The nearer they are the harder it gets and yet that is when we really have to practice what we have been learning. Don't forget to stop before you speak and think about whether or not what you are about to say will help your situation. You can do it! Make Saturday about your D and her friend and have a great time!
...still hanging in there!
M - 40 H - 45 (Big Time MLC - Currently House Hopping) S - 11 (w/ Asperger's Syndrome Autism) D - 5 (w/ Type 1 Diabetes) 1 Dog and 2 Cats Married 10/92, Bomb 10/06, H moved out Mother's Day 07 (Sweet huh?)
Hey Dave. Just popping in to let you know I think you're doing a GREAT job. YOu KNOW what you need to do. You KNOW it's not easy, and you don't have any expectations. Your understanding is spot-on. You DO see W making tentative baby teeny tiny steps back to you, yes? She's trying to slide in thru the doggie door, but she's coming back 'home' just the same (IMO). (Sunny will surely put her glass down soon to post some of her latest developments in that regard as well.)
As for the sleeping arrangemens, I can TOTALLY understand your reticense and uncomfortableness and anxiety about W spending so much time - and esp. sleeping overnights - at home after this time. While I like idea of finding alternative sleeping arrangemens for yourself, I don't think you should go thru all the trouble & obviousness of getting a blow-up or other mattress, but casually offer W the bed while you take the couch. It's not a big deal, and it's only for one night. W cannot expect that you will find it comfortable to be in the bed w/her, and you do not want even the OPPORTUNITY for "anything else" to happen that night. Honestly! Why set yourself up for creating stress and strain & tension and expectations and all that.
Sunny just said, "But when do you set yourself up for the "anything else" stuff?" and I told her (in my obviously wonderful experience o/c) that it should NOT be on the night of D's sleepover, on the first night W is back 'home' on whatever pretext, and at the first sign of anything where W MIGHT BE changing her mind about you, the M or your R. Give it time. And STILL be mysterious. Keep her guessing (or, as we like to say in StillMe Land: Mess With Her Head, Dude!)
And I did NOT mean (as Sunny is suggesting( that you will be gettting any other type of blow-up appliance!
Still and Sunny That made me laugh ! Brilliant. How much wine have you ladies had ?? Its excellent that you to are getting in some good times.
I think I will claim ownership of the Bed and W can figure out what she is going to do .
I got home tonight and W had gone home but had prepared dinner and done the washing. I am sure from some things she has said that there is no long term plan towards divorce right now. And as I quietly get on with my life it may be making her uneasy. W sent an E Mail to my sister in response to my sister sending me a card of support , long story but she wrote
Quote:
that it takes two to ruin a marriage , if it is at all finished!!
I guess in her mind its not over yet. She has dropped hints lately as well , for example talking about a friend who left her H for 7 months then went back to her H . I have been slowly changing things around the house, quite supple but W notices and its sort of like claiming back the balance of power.
What I am doing seems to be working so I am sticking with it , My sitch is so much more stable and hopeful than a lot of others but I am keeping my expectations low and acting as if I am getting on with my life.
Dave, Keep it cool man! You are in control of the entire situation right now. You are a rock; she is a whirling, swirling, chaotic mess. Every time she sees you, the stable, quiet calmness that surrounds you, she is drawn back to you.
My only advice is do not act like you put 2 seconds of thought into the sleeping arrangements. Whatever else you do will be fine as long as you do not show any reaction to the outcome. (sleep on the couch, at her place, in bed with her, it does not matter either way).
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
SD, thanks for your support , everything is in a holding pattern right now, balls in her court I am getting on with life as it is with no expectations.
Right now I have got no problems . Our friend Stillme is fighting a battle that makes my issues shrink into in significance.
Dave-- You are much stronger than I was/am in having W around the house. I want H here, but it made me crazy. Hope that feeling passes and he can start coming over someday soon, but hard with the CW living right across the street!! Will he be coming to see me and the kids, or to see her? I don't think he will be dropping in anytime soon.
I've been over to J's...that man has no idea what he is doing, acting like that to such a good person! And she's too smart--didn't he realize she writes it all down?
You're doing great Dave!! I'm so glad for you. Those are a lot of very positive signs, I believe. Just keep on with what you're doing.
Have a great weekend!
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I dont know how I would cope if OM was known to me and especialy living so close. I dont even know if there is still an OM . Sleep over didnt happen , got changed to an afternoon party. Interestingly W turns up today looking immaculate and wearing a necklace I bought her and for the first time in ages was wearing a couple of rings ( no wedding band ) and at least one I had bought her the other I dont remember . Baby steps.
We are pretty comfortable around each other and sat and had coffee , I had got my car out and washed it. W said her car is a bit dirty. Remembering a statement is a question , I washed it for her. I left the Girls too it and went out for the afternoon on my bike, visited some friends. Right now I am home alone , D has gone to W's both boys out O/Nite. Tomorrow picking up a friend and taking the car for a cruise.
What I am doing seems to be working so I am sticking with it , My sitch is so much more stable and hopeful than a lot of others but I am keeping my expectations low and acting as if I am getting on with my life.
Dave, you are doing great. Keep up the good work. I know a lot of us would be happy to be in your sitch right now. It seems like you are on the downhill portion of this adventure.
