Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives CVA - Thread 2, Hold mode

CVA sounds like some good babysteps with the W coming in and chatting. I also think it is a great idea to get some time with the kids.

Take some time to focus on you as well as focus on being a dad, good for you and the kids and at the same time gives W some of that space she wants.

Just want to journal before i forget some things:

7.21.07 journaling

Spent the day with kids and W. Talked earlier about W coming in bedroom and sitting down to kust have on on chat, all surface but this has not happened yet - goal met? Not sure it was on on specific goal but ill take it.

Went separate ways after lunch, me w/boys her w/ daughter.

Bigger deal was tonight with S9. Putting to bed at around 9:30 and we catch up on our talking from on on missed week. Told him what it meant to me that he asked about my day while on the road. Asked why he did this "you always ask us how are day went so i thought it would be nice to do the same!". Told him i had 9 mtgs that day and met with people who manage about 200 billion in total and his phone call was the only thing that stands out in my mind from that day. He teared up.

He asked about my apartment and he wanted to know if i bought it or rented and for how long! I told him i did not "control" the outcome here but all i could do was approach everyday in on on positive way with on on smile. We then talked about what that meant as it related to me not "controlling his mom or any other adult, that they all make their own decision". He understood. We then prayed and part of his prayer was for "mom to realize dad is changing and that mom sees that dad is protecting us..."

All tearful stuff. Very bright and intuitive kid my son is!

2 hrs sleep so im out till tomorrow.

Good night
CVA

Awww... that is so touching. That's quite a kid you've got there!

For some reason, i am starting to talk like Yoda.

Hey CVA

Just checking in. Your son sounds like a doll. Anyway, your weekend update sounds like it was positive. Keep up the good work!

It was positive. Felt great to be home. Did my best not to crowd my W. Again, offer to take kids places separately, go to dinner, errands etc and it always is just an understanding we are going together. Unless I were to say, I am taking them and you are not going, we will go together. I think this is all good?

Anyhow, another "talk" with S9 and prayer from him that just blows me away.


Have to go get D11 tonight from a party she is going to so will definitely be home.

Question that keeps going through my mind.

What will be the catalyst that turns this around. Assuming she can get to a place where she actually wants to work on the R and me come home, we have always had a 3rd party bring us back together and without that, which I dont know will happen anytime soon, i.e. MC, I dont see a "decision" being made by her where she can defer to a 3rd party to tell me what is Ok or not. She has such a hard time talking to me, she just will never come out and say something that turns this around.

Any thought WAW?

I know what your saying about W having a hard time talking. I am def going through that myself.

I think you are making great progress not crowding her. Seems to be working, keep it up.

When you are making these plans is she readily coming along? Going to dinner/outings with you etc without opposition?

I guess if she is going places with you when she could be saying that she doesn't want to, then that is progress. If you feel that there will be no R progress without mentioning MC then i would go for it. You are already living in apt and no mention of when & if this separation will be over. If you think she might go for it, then I would put the MC thing out there. make sure she knows that ball is in her court, you are willing to go and work on the M. Worse case, she says no.

Thanks
The question seems to be a big Pink Elephant in the room. I dont want to destroy progress by saying, "would you consider...MC..." This is where I get uncomfortable because I have met with "I dont know", "Cant promise you anything" etc, etc when I did ask before at the beginning.

Basically, I am scared to ask!

She is readily coming along, it just sort of happens like we are a family till I leave at night.

CVA

She sounds like my h. I didn't know if he was going to be at the most recent C session until I was on the way there. He also wouldn't commit to the next session in 2 weeks.

I forget if your IC would be the MC too? Could you say that you'd like her to come to the next session, but you understand that she's not sure if she wants to go (validate, validate, validate), and then tell her the time and place? Ask her to let you know the night before or the morning of?

It sounds like you had a good weekend with her and the kids!

From STILLME on Sunny's computer. . .

Something both my C said and L (I consulted) said that the C she recommends (as a "M miracle worker") does is to suggest to the WAS that their involvement in the IC would be helpful to her client in order for her client to move forward w/her life after D. . . or to help them both co-parent in the best way after D. . . Totally takes pressure off the WAS, and they can go to C session believing it will not be a blame-fest or make-a-decision intervention. Then (as in Nomo's case), the WAS can feel comfortable talking/sharing & NOT making a M-decision; but, esp if they keep going, or do not say No when you/C want to schedule another C session to "go deeper" or "talk more about...", and more & more M or R issues are raised and, before you know it, you may be making R progress. Has your C not suggested something like this?