Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Do I buy a house? What about sex?

Nope



Yup.

Why, oh why, did I not come check here before sitting down with him??? *sigh*
I just totally backslid. I said I was mad that he didn't keep his promise to do the 15 hours and he says "ummm..don't you think things have changed? We're getting separated..I'm moving out.." As he looked at me like I had grown a second head.
Me-"I don't mean now, I mean in the past."
Him-"oh. well. {shrug}"
Me- "You promised in front of C that you would follow the program"
Him- look of "so?" and a shrug
Me-"we wouldn't be where we are right now if we would have done the program"
Him-"we don't know that"
Me-"And further more, when you "stuck it out for the kids" that isn't actually "trying" that is white-knuckling it."
Him-"I did try. Not recently, but I did try."
Me-"I don't think you did. We had a program to do.."
Him-"well, I did try. You might not think so, but I did." And he left the room.

But do I stop there?? Oh no. I just had to keep on going.
He came back in and sat down. Makes a kissy noise (apparently they mean nothing, so I should ignore them.)
And I say
"Well, I can't help but poke the bear and ask you if there is any part of your brain that thinks we could work out."
Him-"I don't know"
pause while he strums guitar and I say nothing.
Him-"Ask me later"
Me-"Like when you're not mad at me for being mad at you?"
Him-"No, later, later, later."
me-"?"
Him-"ask me in a few weeks."

Hrmph. I don't hold out much hope that in a few weeks he will say anything positive; especially if during this time we don't actually end up seeing eachother or only see eachother to go over financial things/get him his mail, etc.



yeah, I can see that. At this point, he knows I want us to work out, but having him 'in my face' going out, etc is making me nuts. Everytime I think I am detaching, I can smell him and just want to jump all over him. Or he says something cute or funny. Or he's nice to me. Or, we have an excellent booty call. I feel like I can't get enough distance to get an even keel.

I don't know where it is. He would be livid if I showed up, if I did know.



Heh- yes.



Well, as of this moment, I am now thinking I will leave and go to the karaoke bar. yeah. that is what I think I will do. What would be really great is if I could manage to stay away longer than him. That would blow his mind. Too bad he gets home as late as 3 or 4am sometimes. I have to meet a client tomorrow so I need to be 'on my game'.

If the karaoke bar is where you like to hang out, great. I just didn't see the point of you staying home while he monopolized all the fun spots in town.

And why do use "livid" like it's a bad thing?

He's still here. Maybe I should scoot out the door.

Aw to heck with it. He'll just think I am retaliating. I could stay home and craft and probably be a lot happier.

You really need to decide what you want to do, and do it for you. If you want to go sing and have a couple drinks and be around people who don't despise you, then go. If you need to sleep because you have a client tomorrow, then get to bed already!

Why should it matter whether he is there or not, or what he might think about it? Why would this be "retaliation"?

Now that's a very interesting, inishgtful statement - at least for me.

Hummm, bit of a mega typo there.

stop asking this question, or anything like it. It's not useful, and besides which, you will not get any kind of positive answer.

As far as I can see, your only avenue of conversation in the near future, is to ask him how "he tried" recently. And just listen. only listen. Ask questions to understand, but thats about it.

He's fully headed out the door now. not "trial separation", but "we are getting separated". he's made up his mind on that for right now.



sounds like you are desperately clingy, and cant help yourself and it is driving him away.


after you listen to him about how "he tried"... and waiting a day, and thinking about any possible response A DAY LATER... and discussing it with him...

after all that, maybe you need to separate from him, just like he asked.
Stay away from him. no more "booty calls". no nothing. dont come anywhere near him. Tell him that you cant take the hurt of being rejected by him now... and since he wants to "be separated", you will start acting that way right away, since that is what he says he wants.
Separate rooms when at all possible, separate beds, separate meal times, separate everything.

after you've listened to him.
I think his "i tried" is a total cop-out, and he didnt really.
But even if he DID actually put effort into something... the thing is, it wasnt effort into anything that actually helps marriages. Dont point that out to him when he lists his stuff of "how he tried". Only bring that up in the later talk.

Good luck.

*sigh*
desperately clingy..probably. It's difficult when you see something slipping thru your fingers (and falling to the floor) to not reach out and try to stop the impact. Of course, I guess I am actually batting it towards the floor with greater speed.

It's going to be awhile before I think asking how he thinks he tried will provide any benefit. I will just need to wait for him to bring it up. If I ask, he will probably assume that I am going to attempt to 'prove he didn't'.

He has still been coming over and giving me a quick kiss goodbye in the mornings; this morning he just "bye". And I gave a friendly wave back. *sigh*

I have been checking out the MLS for houses/condos; I think I'll go and view some vacant places today. Not so much to buy right this second, but just so I know there will be choices should it come to that. There's a condo in the town I want that is offering 6% commission (which I would just take off the list price), a 42-inch plasma TV, 2 years with no home owners dues AND $4800 towards closing costs. If it had a garage, I would probably jump all over it...if it had a garage AND I thought it wise to go and purchase when I still hold out hope.

Maybe I am ignorant to hold out hope. Maybe I should just take matters into my own hands and get the heck out of here. No need to "waste" $$ on him getting a rental, etc that could be used towards my new home.

sorry to hear about the change in mornings.

he wont bring up how he tried. if you're going to bring it up, you'd better decide on a time before he actually puts down a deposit on an apartment.

PS;

DONT MOVE OUT!