Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Do I buy a house? What about sex?

Agent99,

Sometimes it's difficult to ask someone to do the work, like spending quality time with you. I feel my W doesn't have a need to have anything to do with me at the moment (not out of malice, but because she feels there is nothing there for her), so she would resent such a request. She just wouldn't do it. I guess you feel your H is the same. He seems pretty determined to go and if you ask me he needs a kick up the backside. The question is, how long will we have to wait for changes?

On the subject of trying, right now I feel my wife has not tried at all to revive our R or her feelings, but I keep reading women do try and then give up and men miss the signs. Did I miss them? Some, perhaps, but I feel like she just changed and wants something new. I'm not sure if this works the other way round.

What are your main worries right now? What are your questions? What do you see? What do you feel? Is there anything we can help with?

Max

I think you're taking him waaay too literally/narrowly.
I dont think he meant to say, "every time he gets out of line, you should threaten him with leaving him".

I think rather, that he's saying that he wants a strong wife, who wont take crap from him, and expects him to act like a man. and to not accept less from him.

it's not about making threats. its about setting bounderies, like someone else said.
Being a woman of firm conviction and morals, could be another way to state it.


here's a thought.

he's co-dependant. he wants a mommy. He "doesnt want any rules", but at the same time, SOMETHING in him, recognizes that rules are good, and he wants to set someone up to enforce rules over him.

half of him recognizes that rules are important. half of him wants freedom from rules.

Perhaps best way to tackle both, is to say that, while you wont impose/force rules on him... you have standards for yourself.
That's where the "[treat me with respect, or I leave]" talk from him came from, perhaps.

Anyways, similarly... I think you need to be creative in stating your expectation of him about the 15 hours.

Teachers say, that students live up to the expectations you have of them. Perhaps you can find some way of showing positive expectations of him.. without having it come across as a "rule", that he "has" to follow.

Yes, I absolutely believe he would not only resent such a request but that it would run him off even quicker.

The reason we have reached the point of him leaving is that I was pressing for the time and he was refusing to do it. He was morose, sullen, avoiding spending time with me and I finally had had enough and said it was re-f'ing-diculous. That I was fed up with him resisting and being poop. He said "do we really have to talk about this now?" and I said we did and he said "I just can't commit to the time; so where does that leave our marriage." and then he went on to say that he just wanted to run away and be by himself, and *this* time I didn't argue-- I said that he should do what he needed to do.



Perhaps we are taking on too much responsibility for the choices they are making?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to be the antithesis of DB to *demand* that he spend the 15 hours with me.

Aren't I supposed to be GALing? Creating some mystery so that he'll turn around and say "gee, who is *this* lovely creature? What the heck am I thinking?"

Additionally, how in the world is he supposed to feel like he *chose* to be with me if I am forcing myself on him?

If I am being dim, I don't mean to be. I am just not connecting the dots given the dire situation we are in.

How have you been approaching the "spend 15 hours" so far? specifically, what kind of wording?

BTW: you're mixing and matching two differrent styles here.
MB, and DB. they dont neccessarily blend well in all situations.

MB is for both people to eventually commit to, "stick to the plan, it works " (after initial "plan A" type stuff to show the other person the benefits, and that you are sincere.)

DB i think is more for a SINGLE person, to effect change, through changing themselves.

if you believe that the MB style of 15 hours of together time, will dramatically improve your relationship.. go for it.
if you could get him to live up to his promise.. I think it could turn around your marriage, personally.

If you instead believe that is a lost cause... then give up on that, and go for more DB style stuff.
However, at this nasty, critical juncture in your relationship, where he's moving it to.. I think you'd better pay for a professional DB coach, TODAY, because otherwise, your situation needs serious experienced help, beyond the usual, "GAL", type stuff.

there's my "my marriage is still a mess" opinion, anyways...

It started out with "Okay, time to do our homework". That didn't work. Then in front of the counselor he said he would do it and I should make him do it. It worked a couple of times but then he was resentful, sighed and died, hurried thru it; basically didn't really give it a go. I dropped the home work part to just focus on us doing fun things.

I started out saying lets go do this- you wanna do that? He would tell me how he wanted to work on his music. Or he would put me off.

Counselor suggested that since the music was important to him, that we make an agreement where he would have an opportunity to go to work on his music for a set period of time (hour, hour and half, whatever) and then at the end of that time, we would reconnect and spend UA time together. He never did that. (It wasn't until just last week that I found out she had suggested that.I am sure it would have worked if he would have tried it.)

So, more recently, knowing that our relationship was faltering and seeing that he wouldn't do what he agreed to do, I did end up getting more intense in my desire to do stuff together, until it culminated in the decision to separate.



He absolutely refuses to commit to the time, me, our marriage-anything. And THAT is the problem. He will NOT commit even though he recognizes it could make our relationship great.



Yes, I think that only thing I can do is change myself and hope he misses me.



I have done that. I guess I need to call him to get some more guidance.



LOL
hey, I really appreciate your "my marriage is still a mess" opinion. I tried to find your story but it seems that lately all you do is post within other peoples threads. Do you have a thread of your own?

*wave*.

Hm.. you didnt answer the question in the way i was hoping.. was hoping to hear how you had tackled the "lets do 15 hours" _recently_
What was the "more intense" approach that you took, that backfired?


BTW: I dont think he "recognizes" anything. he may parrot the words, "yeah i get it", but I dont think he really believes it.

I dont think any sane person, could recognize that "if you do X, you will have a GREAT, Fulfilling, Loving Marriage!", and not do X.

The possible exceptions being:

a) he thinks you are a truely horrible person [that doesnt seem to be the case]

b) he has decided that he wants to be selfish, and just pursue sex with a [tall/short] woman, whereas you are [short/tall]

[or assorted variants on, "he thinks he wants something that you are incapable of providing him"]

i dont think that's the case.







nope. you might say I'm "hiding". but still trying to learn, while I do.

i had one on "that other site", which is why i know so much about those principles. (avoiding mentioning it to avoid searches picking up this account of mine)


but i believe my wife found it, and it undermined the efforts I was making. and in one case, caused horrible horrible damage... (through misunderstanding)... possibly prompting her to serve papers on me. she's never admitted it, but I'm fairly sure, at this point.

i stopped posting there, both because of that, but also because those methods did not serve my marriage. or at least, the forum posters there didnt. So narrow-minded, and in some cases, hateful.

Over here, there is more acknowlegement, that an MLC needs a different approach than a straightforward affair. (they dont even acknowlege the concept, really).

My wife is on her... 5th? online affair.
Way MLC.

Basically nagging. I was damned either way. If I never brought it up, nothing happened. If I brought it up and he was resistant or said no, still nothing had happened AND I was bugging him and getting in his space. Too needy.
Easily solved had he spent the time with me. Vicious circle.




Yes, it's fairly rigid over there and I think that is part of what my H was objecting to.

I am so MAD right now. I know I shouldn't be mad, but he's going out to see a band tonight. He is acting cordial and distant.

I did say that I was feeling angry that he didn't hold up his end of the promise to do the 15 hours and he just goes "hmmm." and sorta shrugged and gives me a look like "so?"

So then I was really mad and said "When are you getting an apartment?" and (he was on the computer) said "I'm looking."

I hate this. HATE IT. And I cry when I get po'd, so that's of no help to me.

Do you know where he is seeing this band?

Do you have a car?

Why are you home?

I'd like to point out, that at this point, you have virtually nothing to lose by the "man up and keep your promises" approach.

The choice is whether you do it in a rage, or calmly and coolly.
and also, what time you approach him to do it.


he didnt seem to react to your rage.
So perhaps, the "nuke" option, ("you're acting like a little girl"), calmly and rationally, might be best.
maybe after a day or two, when his defense from tonight has lowered a bit.

As a side note.. the "when are you getting an apartment", was really dumb, i'm sorry to say.
you cant go hot and cold on him. you cant say "I want you back! I want you to stay!" and then turn around and say "i want you gone" (which is what you said by asking him about the apartment).

It makes you look like a Weak Out of Control, irrational Woman.
Which is exactly the opposite of what he wants. He wants a strong, self-controlled woman.

reposting this, 'cause I think it got lost: i edited it in, but you were already replying to the original:

BTW: I dont think he "recognizes" anything. he may parrot the words, "yeah i get it", but I dont think he really believes the 15 hours will give you and he a great marriage.

I dont think any sane person, could recognize that "if you do X, you will have a GREAT, Fulfilling, Loving Marriage!", and not do X.

The possible exceptions being:

a) he thinks you are a truely horrible person [that doesnt seem to be the case]

b) he has decided that he wants to be selfish, and just pursue sex with a [tall/short] woman, whereas you are [short/tall]

[or assorted variants on, "he thinks he wants something that you are incapable of providing him"]

i dont think that's the case.

Unless maybe he's looking for that "strong, self-controlled woman", and he doesnt believe you are capable of THAT.