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Opposite for me. she moved out over a year ago. then, she was completely shut off. wouldnt talk to me.
Started talking to me, after months of basically being dark, from her side. But now things getting worse, for various reasons.

I dont think my wife has any plan of how she's going to be happy long -term.. but the selfish, WAW, MLC alien has convinced her, that whatever it might be, it just cant be with me.


Overall, i'm trying to survive, and find fun things to do with my children, and for myself. heck, maybe even have fun

She doesnt seem to be very happy overall. But she's determined to not forgive, and not look back. To continue being selfish, even though our children are the ones most suffering from her selfishness. for the rest of their lives


oh, PS: in some ways, yeah, i think my wife headed towards divorce, when she THOUGHT I was threatening divorce, after being frustrated by her WAW-ishness and refusal to work on our marriage. I actually wasnt.. but she took it as the justification she needed to head in that direction herself. Things quickly imploded after that, and then came move-out day.

PS:



I disagree. I think it's the most cowardly, treacherous, nasty thing they do. because it sabotages chances to actually work through the problems in the marriage.

i've lost count of the times we havent tried something, or done something, because my wife didnt want to give me or my children "false hope".

false hope? no, it's because the alien recognizes it would actually HELP our MARRIAGE, so it cant be allowed.

Arrg.

I see what you're saying, but my point is that they are so selfish right now that they really aren't interested in anything that could help the M. They are in their own world...so, while we try our hardest to make it work, they aren't really working at it. They try to make it seem like they try, but they don't. They just spew and turn everything around on us. In the beginning, my H first left for about a 2 weeks, then he came back to try and work things out. He was here for a WEEK. Something came up about OW and he was out. What did he think he could accomplish in a week? He didn't try, he just wanted to say he did. He didn't want to try and help me get over OW sitch...HE wasn't even over OW. He just wanted some way to get over his guilt.


My H seems to be the same way. There are times when I wonder if he is happier when he is away from me and then he is gloomy when he is around me. What does she have to forgive you for? My H blames everything on me for something I did 8 years ago. He said he forgives me, but he can never forget. He said he now believes in repressed feelings because he never really thought about it until now. I have taken responsibility for what I have done and many people I have talked to don't believe this is something to D over. H even told me that his best friend told him that, but he just tells him that he has no idea what he is feeling. Kind of ironic how this all comes up when he tells OW he has feelings for her?!?!? Whatever, I think it's all a load of crap. He wanted out because he doesn't want the responsibility of a family anymore. He knows it's wrong, that's why he has to come up with all of these justifications. Don't get me wrong, I know where my faults lie in our R, but the difference is that I was willing to work and change, he wasn't!

UB

UB, my H does not want the responsibilities of a family either. That is exactly what our C told me. He is making up all this junk about "we were too young and escaping our families" and "we have grown apart" blah, blah, blah, to make himself feel better.

My H said he would work at it for two years and then quit after two weeks. They are incredibly immature and want to blame the marriage when it is really them. They are lazy and self centered and want their freedom. We deserve better. All marriages take work. When the going gets tough, the weak start running.

Yeah... a lot of things in your marriage, ring true for mine.
She's given me the whole "I tried.. for YEARS" complaint.
Truth is though, she hasnt tried to have a Good Marriage, for over 6 years. After that, she was "merely trying to survive" (as SAHM). She's admitted that. yet still goes back to her "i tried!!" mantra. Locked into WAW mode.

I believe that;

* my wife doesnt want the responsability of being married (she never wants to be held responsible for the consequences of her own actions, or choices. She certainly doesnt want to CHANGE her choices, to be considerate of her husband)
* my wife isnt willing to put in work on our marriage, or change in any way. she'd rather just blame me for everything, than acknowlege her part in things.

One of the major issues:
My wife is severely overweight. She was overweight when we married, but put on more and more. I nagged her to change how she ate, but she followed the example of her family, and never accepted responsability that she is overweight, because of her choices of what she puts in her mouth. She was always looking for the "quick fix" diet or pill... and never stuck to those for more than a few months anyway. Same with most everything else.

She put on even more, during pregnancy. Over 100lbs over medically ideal weight. I didnt nag her about it afterwards. I haven't done that for years. But she still holds on to the past resentment about my nagging and pressuring her about it.

40% of the things she blames me for, I stopped doing 5 years ago. another 40% were never true in the first place, they were only in her head. [eg: "you're LOOKING AT ME BADLY!!" when I wasnt even focused on her, but behind her or something]
And/or, i'm sooo horrible for behaviors, that she also does to me. But somehow she's never at fault, or needs to change in any way.

The other 20%... well, i'm not perfect, but I'm still willing to work on it.

Everything is also always my fault. I'M the reason she was miserable and stuck at home. It apparently had nothing to do with HER choice, to be a stay-at-home mother for our children.



I've been cycling on, "why the heck am I trying to reconcile with this miserably selfish woman, when there are others out there who actually understand the meaning of words like faithfulness, honesty, and commitment?"
Been scanning through online dating sites, as a bit of an ego booster, to see how many "good women" there are out there for me.
There are actually quite a few. Within 10 miles of me, even. Some of them, I think I would be very attracted to, if I ever met them in real life. Which, unfortunately, both makes me feel good, but also makes it much more difficult to "stand" for this ungrateful, selfish, lying woman.


God says I should love her anyway. And even beyond that, I try to think of what it would do to our children, if I gave up on her, divorced her, and went the selfish route of finding someone easier to be partnered with. Lord, give me the patience and love to continue.

The wierd thing is.. to most everyone else, she is a very giving and considerate person. But she treats her husband like she treats herself. No rest, no break, no consideration. To have her treat me by "love others as you love yourself", is unfortunately NOT an advantage, in our situation.

PS: when I was talking to a professional councellor, he said that you have to be really careful about "move back in" rules, after separation. he said you have to get them to agree to commit to working on things before moving back in. Otherwise they tend to bounce out again, just like what happened to you

You got that right!!! Amen.

D10 was not planned and from the very beginning, H was such a whiner about it..."I can't believe this happened to ME, why does this stuff always happen to ME"...wah wah wah. It takes two ya know? Now, he just wants to go on and have his little fun. Bleh. When we were talking about separation, he would say what a great parent I was over and over. It was just a load of crap, yeah, I am the better parent, but he was just trying to make sure that D10 wasn't his FULL TIME responsibility. He is so full of it.

I'm feeling a little angry today, can ya tell??? Ha!
UB

Me too. And I have to spend the day with H and the kids. I am going to concentrate on the kids and ignore H as much as possible. I think you and I are in the anger stage right now, UB.

Ignore who?

Oh, I go back and forth all the time. I have been here before...I just hope I don't become a bitter old woman

UB

Yeah, I have learned that. It was right in the beginning and it all happened so fast, I didn't know what was going on.


Well, has she always been selfish? There must have been some reason why you wanted to marry her? Is this really the person you married? I suspect not. Some days, I just want to look H straight in the eyes and calmly say, "what happened to you? you used to be so caring and giving and trustworthy...and morally respected". I don't want to come off to harsh here...we all make mistakes and I am no angel. I just feel we should try to make right what we have done wrong. My H has no interest in that...he feels he IS doing right because what he is doing is for himself. His favorite thing to say to me when he left was, "it's about time I think about me for once"...ha! give me a break! At the time, it was something that made me feel guilty...if he ever said that to me now, I would say, "get over yourself!!!"


I would be very careful about this. Sure, we all need a nice ego booster now and then, but I don't think we LBS are ready for a R yet. I think it takes years to feel good in your own skin again before really being in a good, HEALTHY R again. A lot of my friends want to "hook me up" with guys or see how things are going in that department. Quite honestly, I am not interested right now. This doesn't mean I'm just sitting back and waiting for H, it just means, I am trying to use this time to learn all I can about myself and what I want and need in life to make me happy. I like to go out, I like to meet guys, but I have no expectations of meeting Mr. Right or starting a R.

There are many times that this journey we are all on sux, but there are times that I feel really good about myself as a parent, a career woman and just a good person...I'm not ready to give that to someone yet In fact, I am still learning how to feel good about who I am and not allowing myself to give that up for anyone else or let anyone take it away from me. I need to feel more secure about myself I guess.

I don't think there's anyone on these boards who hasn't felt insecure. We have to make sure that those feelings have been rebuilt to be more confident before we get into something else with another person or even our WAS.
UB