Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives CVA - Thread 2, Hold mode

Oh yeah, and CVA:

Here's my friendly reminder that I'm still holding you to your word regarding the "Won't happen again" comment! You can do it!

GD

Thanks GD
Did not do it tonight. Red eye back to Houston! Yeehah

Hey, why did that guy call you any idiot???

He's not the nicest of chaps, and usually posts rude comments to people (esp newbies). He had posted to newbie Gingersnap and was pretty rude, and then posted to sandi2 something rude as well. I probably shouldn't have done it, but wanted to get it off my chest, so I basically exposed him for being the jerk that I believe he is. Go back to page 2 of sandi2s thread and you'll see what transpired -- got called worse than idiot tonight though. I should've privated messaged him and left sandi's thread in peace...

GD

Wow
Thanks everyone! I hope i can forgive myself. At times i thin i have then i get into the pit of depair and rehash all MY mistakes.

Sunny, sorry to get back to you so late. Thank you so much for your suggestion, i think i will let her know it, just come out and tell her??? That i know she is overwhelmed?

Wow
Thanks everyone! I hope i can forgive myself. At times i thin i have then i get into the pit of depair and rehash all MY mistakes.

Sunny, sorry to get back to you so late. Thank you so much for your suggestion, i think i will let her know it, just come out and tell her??? That i know she is overwhelmed?

CVA I need to catch up on yout thread but I wanted to stop in and show my support. I also wanted to compliment you on having yout goals all set out on your 1st message of the thread.

I hear ya on rehashing past mistakes. That is something I need to work on as well. That along with rehashing any bad times in your head really can get you in a tizzy huh. Put up that mental stop sign when it happens and get focused on something else.

Thanks Rj
Just got in from an all night flight, kids want to see me badly (hopefully W too!), just trying to figure out how not to crowd her this weekend given I have been away.

CVA

Hey, CVA.

Glad you got in OK.

About your response to Sunny on how to acknowledge to your W that she might be overwhelmed---I don't think you should just go up to her and say, "I know you are overwhelmed." You are making the assumption that she is (and she probably really is) but she may or may not want to admit that to you. Her response to you would probably defensive if you said that to her because she won't want to admit that openly to you.

But I think you can let her know that you are concerned about how overwhelmed she might be in other ways. What are some of her big stressors that you could help her take care of? Getting kids to appts. and activities? Taking care of dinner?- I am sure with 4 kids, that is an ordeal each night! Does she get to have much time to herself? I am sure you already help in whatever ways you can, but if you can think of other ways you can help lighten her load, she would notice and appreciate it. And you don't have to say, "I'm doing this because you seem to have a lot on your plate." Don't talk, just do it.

Make sure CVA gets his rest too!

Hey Kat
How are you doing? I will check out your thread in a bit.

Ya know, the thing is, I am the "crazed doer". I do EVERYTHING in our house except cooking when I am around. Cleaning, laundry, appts for kids, again, if I am not working and i have ditched a lot of work to do this stuff over the years and this is where MY resentment and anger in our R comes from. It is no secret to me. No appreciation for anything and I just finally realized it is how I am and not how she is. It is not that she is a slob, on the contrary, she just does everything in "her time" which is about 1/2 my speed....result...frustration, high expectations I know.

So to your pt, I dont know what to do? We finally decided to hire someone to help around the house, so that is now pretty much taken care of. So as far as her stressers are concerned, i am pretty much it. I complained, whined about our cleaning lady and how much it was costing because I now saw my W not doing a lot other than cooking..and homework...is that equitable? No, but so what, I NEEDED A DIFFERENT ATTITUDE toward the whole thing.

Help is appreciated on this one. Do you kind of see inside our house on this now? I do a lot at full speed, but whined about it, therefore she pulls back and says "I did not ask you to do that", get a cleaning lady, I whine about it, she resents me for complaining and does even less...and on, and on, and on.

Let me know what you think, sorry, got on a frantic roll there.

CVA

CVA,

It sounds like at your house the roles are sort of reverse? I have not read all of your thread,but this I gather. Most wives (like the olld me) would do allthe house work while like my H would lay around all day infront ot the tube doing nothing. IF I were to do the same & not do the chores for a Saturday per say H would complain an be upset,but its ok for him not to lift a finger! So when I would whine & compalin he would do less & say I dont appreciate him so he is not motivated to do so.


One thing H was good at was planning our family vacation or outings like to the amusement parks. But I know the girls and I never really showeed him true appreciaton for it. So the last time(before he moved out)when we went to the amusement park I made sure the girls & I thanked him profusely and showed him how much we appreciated it and how much fun we had.

Maybe you should stop doing so many things for a while & let her see just how much she does need you or just how much you do.