Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Kicking him off the fence

Theo.. so scary how you can read right through me..

Have already been thinking a lot about the above. Yes.. am back to assuming it's a full-fledged PA. Told him the other night that he can't go back to being "just friends" anyway since he is so emotionally attached.. At least now he's admitting that leaving our marriage to start a "real" relationship with her is an option. At least he's no longer denying that's what he would do if/when our marriage is over.

Olive,
It's amazing how much we put up with isn't it? I put up with so much from my H. Even after I found out about the affair I would invite him over for dinner and often he would spend the night. I was doing everything in the world to make him see what a wonderful wife I was. He would stay a few days and then decide this just wasn't going to work. This went on through May, hence the name Yoyowife. It is all about their needs and what makes them happy. They have no regard for their spouses and their families. My youngest DD16 when she found out that he was cheating with his secretray made the comment "Mom, he not only cheated on you, he cheated on me." Why is it that a child can see that but the adulterer is so blind? Olive, even though your sitch is a little different from mine because you are living togehter, he is still disrespecting you. You are right you have to set boundaries. No one can tell you what those boundaries should be except you, but please think about it. He will walk all over you as long as you allow it. I allowed my H to walk all over me, yes, Theo told me he was and I knew it , but I was too weak to stop it. It got me nowhere, we are still getting a divorce, but now I'm working on getting my life back in order. There are definitely rough days and I do have pity parties, but it's time for me to move on. I don't want to be with the man he has become. I'm still in love with the man I married, but he's not that man right now. Don't let your life get like mine, please stand up to him, you may be able to save your marriage. That's what Dobson's book says,if you stand up to them you may be able to get their respect back and make the marriage work. Don't be weak like I was and too afraid to try Michelle's Ultimatum or Dobson's Tough Love. Believe me it was hard telling you all of my shortcomings, but if it gives you or someone else a chance to save their marriage, then I feel better.

Olive,

Who cares what he admits? Who cares what his plans are? Do you care? Really? How "big" of him to admit it's an option for him to leave you and shack up with the OW.

Yes -- it's an option for him.

He's dangling the option in front of you.

And he's saying, "Olive IF you become a Stepford Wife, MAYBE I won't leave you for OW."

Has he so little respect for you?

Err...I say, "F*ck that sh*t.

Let's rehearse the attitude towards your husband:

"Yes, I love you. But right now you are a morally bankrupt man going though a mid-life-crisis, who is deep in the pyschosis of an adulterous love affair. You are very ill right now. And though I care for you, your presence in my life, at the moment, is quite toxic.

So...I'm going to live my wife with two people in mind: myself and my child. I'm going to discover some lost treasures in my heart. I'm going to pursue some interests that really cause me to come alive. I'm going to spend time having fun with people that care about me. I'm not going to get caught up in the drama of your affair. Frankly your vacillation mixed with emotional blackmail has gotten old hat and I'm bored with it You are going to see less and less of me as the months move along, since I don't like hanging around people that choose to lie to me, hurt me and disrespect me.

Pretty soon I'm going to lay down some personal boundaries that I demand you adhere to. It's not really because I want you to do or be anything for, but rather, it's because my time, affection and sexuality are reserved for my husband. Since you refuse to be my husband at the present time, I will not treat you as such. Instead, we will be roomates with financial and parenting obligations to share.

Eventually if you refuse to give up your relationship with the OW, it will be inevitable that I will move on in my life and I will divorce you."

Olive -- anger and contempt for his contemptible behavior can help you to detatch.

I think a "whatever" mentality would be in order.

Another hard question for you:

Are you willing to create a plan, as I suggested, with a time-line to implement different phases?

Let me share some of my story.

When it came time for me to set some personal boundaries -- I was very uneasy My wife was slowly moving towards me after admitting to the affair and having ended it (because OM wouldn't leave his wife). She wouldn't, however, commit to our marriage and told me if the OM were to leave his wife, she would leave me to be with him.

We were selling our apartment and we were going to buy a house together (all on my income). I was tempted to move forward and buy the house to prove my love for her. On the other hand I didn't want to buy a house with someone who was ready to leave me at the drop of a hat.

Everyone counseled me against buying it.

It was time for a personal boundary or two.

I told her I wasn't buying a house while a our marriage was so shaky. I told her we could rent a lovely place and figure out our relationship. This hurt her since she wanted a house. I also asked her to get tested for STD. My wife went ballistic. She refused to get tested for STD and felt I was punishing her for the affair. She then asked me to move out and have a trial separation.

I refused to move out. I was true to myself.

Things got awful and tense. It was painful.

Well -- we are living together in a beautiful rented house. Our relationship is still shaky and up in the air. We are figuring it out. Maybe it's over, maybe it's not. I went with my gut and the wisdom of many good "coaches", even though it was scary. I acted in spite of my fears.

---Theoden

Well said Theo...Olive, follow his advice. You will feel better and get your dignity back. I think you need to get good and mad at him and have the whatever attitude. Our H's don't deserve to have a mistress and a great W. If being a great W would make your H end it with OW, it would have happened by now. Just as in my case, I don't think his relationship with OW has anything to do with you not being a good wife...it has to do with him being a selfish, confused @ss. Let him figure it out and you focus on you. Maybe he has it in him to fix himself and turn into a great man...maybe he doesn't. In the meantime, stop bending over backwards for this guy....otherwise, if he comes back, he is going to expect that he can do whatever he wants, and you will bend over backwards for him for the rest of his life. Let's make a pact....you, me, and Yoyo are standing up for ourselves and our lives will get better.

Wanna' hear something funny.. You all keep saying that I'm being too nice. H has said in the not too distant past that I'm a B!tch that he wouldn't be friends with if he met me out in the world. WTH?? Soooo... I, of course, believe you all Oh.. and my friends and my co-workers.. etc...

Hopeless, Yoyo, Theo...
Yes.. it's time...

Ummm... He has NO respect for me...

So - check it out ladies - Yoyo, Hopeful!, HB, Delia, Saffie, Cocktail party at my house Friday night. Then, we'll go out to the bar and scope out hot men. Saturday, after we sleep off our hangovers, we'll lay out by the pool in our bikinis... hmm. What's up for Saturday night?

Olive,
I wouldn't listen to your H. Listen to your friends and family. I thanked one of my co-workers for being there for me during this mess, and he said why wouldn't we...I couldn't think of a nicer person. Keep your head up...and don't listen to his stabs at you...he's just trying to make himself feel better for destroying his marriage to a wonderful woman.

need a towel boy?

husband

awww.. that was nice of that person to tell you that just when you needed it..

I don't listen to him about stuff like that. There was ONE incident after I had been drinking where I was rude to a wairess. Not what I would consider a moment that defines a woman.

I have a 5 very close girlfriends. We are always there for each no matter how much time has passed between conversations or visits. How many people can say that???!

Plus - just last week an x-co-worker told a co-worker of H's how great I was and what a positive impact I had on the organization and on her specifically....

Too much evidence contrary to his bs.

Oh.. and about the towel boy question - yes!