I will chime in on this as well...my H who was a WAH/MLC has expressed these same things to me...he has been home for about a year now...he told me many of the same things for the same reasons...he didn't want to feel trapped, get sucked in...he told me when he left so abruptly that he felt like he was drowning and had to run for his life (this did a real number on me emotionally to think I was such a horrible person that he had to run for his life)...
I think the point to remember is that the MLC needs time...space...and a steady friend who will be there when they need them...and if all goes well eventually they will return to what they "know"...and if you play it right you can instill in them a "safe" feeling...once you get to that point...the communication can start...the healing can begin...
Great advice your getting...I know it is hard...but time is your friend...not your enemy...my H was gone for almost 2 years...I was sure he could never come back...he told me he could never come back...I had begun to lose hope...and now it has all changed...
So hang in there....ground yourself...and hold on....
Thanks Sandi & RCR for posting this. It is so helpful to get information from the MLCer's persective.
Originally Posted By: Sandi2
I am sure you desparately want to see any signs of "hope"...but please just try to do as I have suggested. It is hard to explain how it affects a woman that is ready to run, but it is like poison to her. It is like when she sees the hope in your eyes or voice....it acts like a threat to her. It pressures her. To you, logic dictates she would "like" to see you encouraged and hope in you...but it works the opposite way. I know...it doesn't make sense. The wonderful differences between the sexes.
Sandi, I believe this very good way of describing how my H is reacting so it may not just be true of women. I believe my trying to convince my H that we should work on our M has been like poison for him. It seems so logical to tell your spouse all of the reasons to stay together and that is why I have had such difficulty not doing it. My H and I went out for lunch one time, no discussion of anything, I just listened and bit my tongue. He said that is the only decent time we have spent together in months. Go figure...I obviously didn't follow through because now my H and I have pretty much no contact. He is avoiding me...avoiding dealing with anything.
Quote:
So how would I take steps forward without giving her false hope? I do not want to hurt her but I am still so unsure.
This is so my H. He is going nowhere (can not commit to anything like where he is going to live even) and I think this explains why. If I push, he goes the opposite way.
I would really love more information from the MLCer's side of things. Are there other posters here or any resources that you could recommend?
For some strange reason, your posts helped me feel a little better today.
upside...where in so cal are you?...I have been through the MLC with an H and lived to tell...he is home now after nearly 2 years apart...he has been home for about a year...and things are finally going really good...
would you consider posting some stuff for us over here on the MLC board about your husband's return? I know some of your story and it was very inspiring, I think some of us here could use the news of some WAS coming back !!!! Take care !!! xxxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
I don't want to jack KB's thread so I will try to be brief. I am in the Inland Empire...so not too terribly far from you. I want to read more of your posts. I can use all of the inspiration I can get at this point. I have done many things wrong in the last 5 months since my H left. I have pushed to get answers, threatened a D, had R talks, cried, begged, everything. I knew I wasn't supposed to do these things, but I did them anyway because ,I believe, my brain has difficulty with anything illogical. Sandi and Happy Again's posts seemed help me be able to make more sense of the MLCer.
Unfortunately, my H and I are further apart then ever now. He told me last week that he thinks he can file now but then makes no effort that I know of to do anything. We have very minimal contact now (a rare email or text usually only business). He seems fine to not make any movement...and if I push to have movement, I push him away. I have made a goal of backing off completely for a month or so and just see what happens.
Any advice or words of encouragement would be deeply appreciated.
Great posts from everyone here -- I can't tell you how much they mean to mean and how much guidance they've given me. I read a post here a few days ago and have stuck to it like glue. I've been super cool at home, make dinner on occasion and if she wants some welcome to it, but absolutely no pressure. Doing my thing but being very courteous but busy at the same time. Actively listening and asking about her day only when she starts the talking. Absolutely practicing the listening. I went out of town last night and sent a simple text to her and the kids that I had to stay overnight. Received a response from her, "OK, have a good evening". Wow, that made my night. Of course I didn't respond. I'm really trying to give her what she needs. Thanks again so much for the encouragement and insight!!
I know exactly how you feel...I did all those things too...I didn't find this place for a quite awhile and even then...like you it was difficult how "backing off" could possibly work...
My H made that part easy (really hard on me though)...he disappeared because he needed that space...he got very distant...said we would never ever be together...but here we are...
As for your statement...backing off for a month...all I can say is it will take MUCH longer...my H was gone for nearly 2 years...not all of that time with OW...but the beginning was...
So don't put a time line...don't mention the D word...don't call, text, or anything...just let him have his space because of anything will save your marriage it is distance right now...remember distance makes the heart grow fonder???...well in their case it allows them to think on their own with no pressure...
Take care...and my posts are in the archives...someone found them once so maybe you can too...Lin
Hi KB- Sounds like you are handling your sitch so well. You are getting some great advice here. Keep up the good work.
Hi Lin- I appreciate your thoughts. I would love to get more input from you. I don't want to hijack KB's thread so, if you would like to stop by my thread, here is a link...
I'm about to lose it today. She sent me a couple texts a few days ago, nothing big, have a nice evening while I was out of town, but enough to tell me she cared. I know I look into things too much. Last night I get home at 7 and she's already left to work out. Doesn't return till 9:30. She's so cold, distant, detached. No eye contact, no initiation of conversation. She goes to bed at 10:15 in her room although I know she wasn't sleeping because the light was still on. This morning the exact same thing -- no eye contact, nothing. What and the heck did I do wrong? I didn't ask because I don't want to bring up R or M. So now I sit here and wonder. I know she's thinking she wants to move on, wishes she had different feelings but just doesn't have them. This complete rejection is killing me. I know, GAL, and I am trying, but geez, how could someone be so cold and distant for nearly 4 months now -- I've given time and space, GAL, etc, only to have zero change, if anything worse. Not sure how long I can hang on. I would appreciate any input from you guys.
