Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Do I buy a house? What about sex?

Soooooo frustrating!!
I wish he would agree to not date, but he said "How am I supposed to be sure that I want *you* if I don't go out with other people?" Sheesh- it's not like we were 16 year old virgins when we got together! *sigh*

Today is his birthday. First time in 12 years I won't be helping him celebrate it.

Yes, I feel like my hands are tied in so many ways. Theoretically, I suppose we (as the LBS) could create an exciting vibrant life without them. I know one of my "hold-ups" on that front is that I still hope for my H to change his mind and I don't want there to be no room left for him in my life. How dumb is that??? Argh.

Last night we went over a controlled separation agreement. Agreed to 3 months with an option to extend if necessary. See eachother once a week to go over finances, whatever, and *do* something like ride bikes, go for a hike; something different and something he "might even look forward to". :|

Went over the finances and touched on finances in the event of a divorce. ugh

Right now, he is just chomping at the bit to get out of here. I did ask him if he was agreeing to a separation just to appease me and his mind was already made up- nice big pregnant pause on his part and then, "well, I told you last night that I didn't see us being together. but, I am open to the idea that I could change my mind." Looks like I have my work cut out for me.

He seemed to have a rather fatalistic view and said things that indicated his mind is made up. My *hope* is that his thinking has polarized because he still lives here and that once he is out and the novelty wears off, that things won't seem so clear cut to him. Perhaps I am hanging on to false hope, but I have read enough stories to know that I shouldn't believe what he says.

I put in a call to his mom to see if she was mad at me. She hasn't even called to say "Wow, so sorry you are going thru this." I don't expect her to turn on her son and say anything against him; I just would have expected some kind of sympathy and maybe a "feel free to call if you need to". Hopefully that wasn't a dumb move on my part.

I wish there were a local DB chapter to get together with people at. That is one of the hardest things about this- I don't have a big network of friends (H was bestfriend) that I feel like I can turn to *that would understand*. I have people I can call, but they haven't been thru this and don't know the DB principles.

(((((((((((((((((((GROUP HUG))))))))))))))))))))

1. He's trying to put blame/responsability for his actions on you. Do not let him do that. Tell him that it is his choice whether or not to cheat, and his choice whether or not to end your marriage

2. tell him that he ISNT free: he's a married man, by his own choice. You dont have the power to "force" him to be married: if he no longer wishes to be married, that would be his choice to make also.




If he likes your cooking(and I think you said that he does), then betcha you are wrong. The "call of the wild" may have a stronger pull on him right now... but that doesnt mean that the cooking had no impact.

If you choose to withhold your cooking from him as a punishment for him treating you badly.... well, that's YOUR choice. Dont shortsell yourself though, that it had no effect.

Do you not believe the old wisdon, "the way to a man's heart is through is stomach"? I think the biggest reason that isnt said as much any more, is because far fewer women can actually cook. If you are one of those who can... use your talents to your advantage.

PS: if eating together at the table is just horrible... that doesnt mean you have to stop coooking for him, if you wish to do so. you can choose to keep some leftovers for him in the fridge, if you wish.

Contrariwise, a *good* cooked meal, could be used as incentive for him to come home "early".

Maybe wait for him to start missing it, then offer, on *certain* nights of the week,
"I was thinking of cooking [favourite dish] thursday. If you feel like being home at a reasonable hour that day, i'll make enough for you too".


Just some thoughts,.

my takes on things, somewhat delayed...



Good! he's not getting it elsewhere.


who says you need a "fresh start"? I think you need a "renewed comitment". not the same thing.



Wow.. you have a funny kind of WAS.. the kind that tells you how to get him back.

let me repeat myself,
HE IS TELLING YOU HOW TO GET HIM BACK

he's testing you. Fight for him. Fight him. Show him that you care. Show him that you have moral standards. Dont tell him what he is doing is ok.
He's indirectly, in a wierd way, looking to you for moral guidance. he says he wants a counsellor to "talk him out of it", but I think what he wants is to hash it out with YOU.

Like i said in your other thread:
"him: blah blah i'm not free, with rules"
What you should say: "you're NOT free. you're married. 'separated' is still 'married'"

Yes, I know you are afraid you are going to "force him into a divorce". But he's been basically telling you multiple times, "no, i will NOT divorce you.... I WANT you to stand up to my childishness desires and tell me to grow up".

I think that he has an "adult" side, that is kinda trapped by his kid side right now... his adult side trusts you more than anyone else, and it is trying to ask you to... as some people say, "give him a recto-cranial inversion"




Gym analogy: You dont try to feel good, before you go to the gym. you make the decision to go work out at the gym, to feel good after you've done it, and to be fit enough to do more.

he needs to quit trying to feel good about doing stuff with you, and Just Do It. Then he'll start feeling better about doing it, and also be more interested in doing more.



you SHOULD object! What happened to "dating" you?

if he likes the figure "2 months to sort himself out"... try to get him to agree to 2 months of fully dating you. Get him to agree to you setting your schedules (for purposes of doing fun stuff) for that time. Not becuase you want to run his life... but only because he doesnt seem to have the energy to plan anything.

After the 2 months, he would then be "free" to decide if he has had fun for the 2 months, and wants to more actively take a role in your marriage.

[unspoken to him: if he choses otherwise afrer the 2 months.. that's when you should "go dark", methinks]

Wait.. you did "controlled separation"??? ARRRGGG!!!!

once a week to argue, and once a week to "maybe" do something fun, i dont think will be enough :-(


Not to mention: you GAVE IN to him, instead of standing up to him. He told you that he wants you to stand up to him.. and you gave in to him!!

I have fought him several times on this in the past, and he is absolutely convinced that he MUST have this time to himself and also thinks I should have "let him go" in the past.

Sometimes I wonder if he isn't coaching me so that I can do better in my next relationship.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with him. Last night I told him that I wasn't going to make this "easy" for him because it isn't what I want, etc and he immediately got nasty and said "Why would you wanting to f'ing drag this out and waste money on lawyers?? Why can't we just agree on things?!" I let him know that I was talking about not doing all the work to make a divorce happen; that I wasn't going to stand in his way,but I also wasn't going to hold his hand. He backed down.

I do not feel prepared to get a divorce right this second; he doesn't want to give up the "option" of dating. When I tried to enforce the idea of no dating he immediately said that we should skip separating and get a divorce if that is how I feel.

His frame of mind right this second is that we will never work out (or it's a near impossibility)-so, based on that, the "threat" of divorce would be a blessing in his mind. How in the world can I *not* give into him? (Assuming I don't want a divorce.) Am I nuts to think that if I offer him his freedom to make a choice that I have better chance?

I think that your first bit, answers your second bit.
It's not your place to "offer him his freedom". Nor "threaten".
NOR, for that matter, "give in".

you cant STOP him from getting a divorce (in most states anyway), so there is no "giving in".
It is his choice to get one, or not get one.

Dont make it your choice, by "offering" one.


Just stick to "if he wants a divorce, he can do the work for it".
Stop fighting about it, just stick to what you already told him in the first bit I quoted.

you'll work together on your marriage, but you wont work together on a divorce.

That's my suggestion.

I just got off the phone with his mother. One thing that I did when my H and I started having problems is I pulled back from her; that was disappointing for her. Created a void between us. She quit calling me to do things and I never called her, so our relationship withered. *sigh* I so wish I hadn't done that. I wish that she would have said something about it sooner (than now) but she said she didn't think I would have "heard" her at that point in my life; but who's to know for sure.

I think that from her perspective, he probably *would* be better off with someone who is more open and fits in better with them. *double sigh* Did she say that directly? No. Did she say I should work on opening up, reaching out to people, fitting in better - Yes.

From how she talks, it seems that it is a forgone conclusion that we will end up divorced. She wasn't mean or spiteful at all; more like "I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad at J. I think he did the best he could and he tried and sometimes these things just don't work out." UGH

Kinda bummed that J is going to see them tonight for his bday. Hate to think what will be said about me tonight.

I told her that "forever the optimist" I thought that if we had a break and I did some growing and J got whatever out of his system that we could salvage the marriage. She was quiet; then said "yeah. You never really know what's going to happen in the future. But you need to do what is best for you for now."

I did apologize and said "If J and I get back together, I'll be calling YOU to get together for lunch" and she laughed and said "and you'll pay!" and I said "Yep-I'll pay and you can order the lobster!" So, we kinda laughed at that.

The convo ended awkwardly; I wanted to say "I love you" but then wasn't sure and we kinda stumbled around and said good bye.

That's it! I'm calling her and saying it. I chickened out the first time, so I'll just say "I did it again-let fear stand in my way; never more- I love you."

Umm.. that might not be a bad thing. From one viewpoint, sounds like maybe she's tryinng to help you get along with your husband better.

(PS: I dont get the whole "i love you" thing to your mother in law, but maybe it's a female thing )



PPS: the whole "best he could" thing is garbage. pffft.. obviously, he's not eve trying now.

Actually.. have you SAID that to her?
have you said that you went to the MB weekend, they said to do the 15 hours a week ,and he didnt even try?

Agent99,

Sorry, I am in the middle of a big project and can't really follow another thread.

A couple of quick things --

-- leave MIL out of it totally. Wait until things are resolved one way or another with H to work on that R

--"I do not feel prepared to get a divorce right this second; he doesn't want to give up the "option" of dating. When I tried to enforce the idea of no dating he immediately said that we should skip separating and get a divorce if that is how I feel."

He has told you he is not going to respect a boundary that you want if you merely separate. Divorce does seem a logical consequence.

By all means, completely let go. It is the best chance you have. Whether you do that in the context of a sep or a D is really up to you. Some people don't manage it even after D. But, you aren't really holding onto anything. H is already gone. Your not letting go simply builds a big spider web around you that H must avoid if he is to retain his autonomy. No spider web = H can come closer if he wants to without giving up part of himself.

Nah- I didn't say anything like that. In fact, while we were speaking she was saying stuff about how she thinks it's good for spouses to go and do their own thing; to not lean to hard on their spouse for friendship; to open up to others; etc. I have found that most people, if unfamiliar with the MB concepts, actually agree that it is an unreasonable amount of time. (?!?)

I did call her back and said "You know, it ended awkwardly because I wanted to say "I love you" but chickened out." And she said "I was thinking about saying the same thing but then thought maybe you wouldn't want to hear that." So, we said I love you to each other and hung up. I felt MUCH better about that.