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Yes that sounds alot more positive. Keep focusing on you and your family. Do fun things with your kids as they sound fantastic. It is good to vent here as well b/c we all get a bit down at times and get sick of being the good guy when we feel we often get very little in return so here is good it often stops us from backsliding with S. Be happy.......Kim

Very true Kim. Stay focused on the good stuff BeingMe. Enjoy what we are given today and recognize what we have passed through and beyond.

Being Me, I just took the time to check your threads and I can see my topic of dealing with fear is right up your alley. You've been battling the same demons! Just thought I'd drop by tonight and check out your place for a change

Ta, very much, WII! I would appreciate some input from someone who is going through similar 'issues' (I kinda dislike the word, 'issue', but for want of a better one, I use it - sounds so psychobabblish).

Just a spot of journalling, and some circular thinkin' ...

So, I spent a couple of hours in the garden yesterday, pulling up weeds, planting some seeds, watering, etc. I have never been a gardener, but we have almost a quarter acre garden now, and I have decided that I have to either work at it, or put it all under lawn. I actually rather enjoyed it, especially since it was a lovely day, warm, but slightly overcast ... perfect gardening weather I would think. I found the physical work helped me concentrate on something else, other than my M.

This week has gone by so fast. My H has been contacting me regularly, although he has been busy in meetings. He is working during the weekend too. I believe it's a long one in the USA, but not here in Canada, so he's pretty much on his own at work.

Here's the strange thing ... I am enjoying this time without H at home. I feel free to do my own thing, go to bed when I want, no stressing about what to make for dinner, actually no stress at all. I wonder what that means? I just go about my day, sometimes humming under my breath, feeling so relaxed and positive.

It's been quite a long time since I worried about the ML issue (I'm getting to the point where I don't really care anymore if he wants to fulfill my needs - I have expressed them, he has chosen to ignore them, so we will see where that will lead me - perhaps it will eventually lead me out of the M, or not, but I am not going to obsess about it, or worry, or talk to him about it all the time, in fact not at all - doesn't get me anywhere). We have had S a few times this past few weeks before he left, but I wouldn't call it ML. Oh grief! This is such an embarrassing subject, that this is the only place I can express this particular 'issue'. Yikes!

I am still trying to decide what to do about my studies. I am not taking any courses this semester since the exams are in July, and I want my summer to be free, in case I can get down to the USA to visit with my D26. I really enjoy studying, and learning new things (for instance, I never thought I would like Anatomy, but found it fascinating - go figure), but now I have to decide on whether I want to be a personal fitness trainer, or change to something else. Sometimes, I think I'm too old to be having this type of confusion, on the other hand this is just the time I find a lot of my friends are changing careers, or starting their own businesses. 'That time' I am referring to is when the kids are all grown, and even the ones at home are more independent, and one's role as mom is changing and you're not needed that much. So, you have a lot of time on your hands. I will, of course, stick to the creative writing and art, but that won't pay many bills if I opt out of the M (and that option is never too far from my mind, I'm sad to say).

It is becoming clear to me that, although I may be in piecing, I'm not sure my M is going to actually get pieced. I find we do not know how to communicate with each other. My H does not like discussing emotional issues (there's that blasted word again), or any marital issue for that matter (he seems to think R talk is confrontational talk). He would far prefer to go back to the way it was before, and just hope that somehow I will find a way to trust him again, forget about what happened, without his doing much about it. Sigh! It's really a pity because he is a great guy, but a difficult man to have an intimate R with. I am a bit at an impasse (sp?) with regards to my M. I am happy with myself, am doing all the required self analysis, self realisation, building my self esteem, and finding the real me again (the person I was before I lost myself in the M, and being a mom, as much as I love that role). I would love to be in a loving, healthy R (preferably with my H), but I just don't see that in the cards any time soon. The sad thing is, I'm not too devastated about it. It is what it is, and I am coming to accept that my M will never be what I want it to be, but what my H wants it to be. Very irksome, and it may come to a point where I decide that it's just not worth it anymore.

Anyway, I am happy, and know that whatever happens, I will be okay ... I will be more than okay, I will be great.

I am now off to ye ol' Home Depot to get some gardening stuff. It's another beautiful day in paradise!

Take care, y'all!!!!!

It's pretty common for the "offending" S to want to escape any discussion of the A. To them going back to before feels kind of cleansing, I guess. One idea, if you want to try the talking apprach, is to talk about the future rather than the past (which he obviously won't talk about!). To talk about what you'd both like versus what is missing. You could also think about what made you feel really connected in the past, when were the good times, what were you doing and try to repeat some of those things. Try to forget all the "damage" that was done and look at where you want to go together.
It sounds like you have "told" him about your sexual needs () and, just like a guy, he ignores you! Guess what, when you tell him what you need all he hears is "I'm not pleasing her, I've failed again" and turns off. I would recommend a book called "How to improve your M without talking about it" by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny. Many guys don't respond well to "let's talk about the R" or really any R talk! So this book discusses ways to create a connection with each other ways that don't make talking primary. I know for woman, talking about it is a must! Alot of us guys would prefer to lie on a bed of nails So, just a thought for you to ponder.
BTW when my W was away last summer for three weeks, I loved it! It's always a well needed rest.

Thanks for the tip, WII. I will check out the book. It is very frustrating for me when I can't communicate verbally. We don't even talk about finances, or things like that either. Hopefully, the book will help.

I know exactly what you are saying. I hope venting here will give you more time to make "contact".

Venting here certainly does help, Phoenix.

Even if I can't say the words to my H, I can say them here, and just get it out of my system. Thankfully, despite the venting from time to time, I am pretty positive about my future, one way or the other, so I'm not feeling depressed or sad, or anything ... not even frustrated, because I have decided those negative feelings are pointless. I cannot control my H, and if he sees fit not to at least try and meet my communication/sexual/intimacy needs, then so be it. Ultimately, it's up to me if I want to stay with him. He has to come to a point where he feels the need for introspection, and change, before anything can be sorted out in our R.

None of us can truly know what the future holds, so I am just going to enjoy each day, and find the blessings in them, and the future will take care of itself. Life is about more than just my M, and R with my H.

I would really say you have a pretty good handle on this. Like yourself, I too feel that I'm not going to give into the negative feelings, I just have too much life to live. When I get hung up in it nothing goes anywhere in this life. Perhaps I can see some changes happening in W life, not near as well as I would like, but for now I am patient and leaving it in God's hands.

For now I will live every moment, live every experience, enjoy every relationship. I have always taken the attitude of put everything thing into what you do "on the field", so that when you are done you can leave it there. No regrets.