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(posted in MLC late last night)



I am ready to call him up and say "WTF are you doing?"
I came home and his truck was in the driveway, so for a half a second I was excited, and then I opened the garage and his car was gone. BOOOOOOOO
I have had a couple drinks now and I am feeling a little brazen (aka stupid) and really, truly am feeling compelled to call or text him.
Someone talk me down.
Why is he doing this? I just can't believe it? And how can I just stand by waiting to see if he is going to sleep with someone else?
*We* should be going out. *We* should be together. ARGH Right now I hate him for doing this to us.

Update
well, i did end up texting him
"I'm fired up" If he would have responded last night I probably would have told him to cut crap and get his butt home. Which actually might have helped. (You'll know why when you read the end of my post.)

he did come home last night and this morning he came downstairs and said "You were "fired up", huh?"
Longish story short-Booty call.

After that conversation on R; he does think about me, but he thinks that he needs a full break to really get his perspective. Right now, because we still see each other daily he doesn't think the reality has hit home.

He said that he is not looking to go have sex; he would only do that if he was "serious" with someone, but that's not even what he is necessarily looking for.

We can't continue like this and the only way for us to have a true fresh start is to have the break.

I am frustrated because a good portion of our marriage I was sick with an extremely low thyroid.So, as he reflects on things, that is what will come to mind- instead of the major changes I have made since starting thyroid medication. (I can tell he is thinking this way just from some of the stuff he said today where he would say something negative from the distant past and I had something positive to refute it from the not-so-distant past.)

He said something interesting- that he wants someone that will say "look, you wanna be with me, you're gonna not be doing XYZ" and I let him get away with him having XYZ and it made me appear needy and not independent. I agree. He is right. Now I feel like I can never say that to him without him thinking that I am "just saying it".

Well, as they say, you can't un-ring a bell. So he said it (not the first time)--that doesn't mean you can't ever say it.

Be real. You told him that already, when you made him sleep in the guest room and fix his own meals. Tell him that's what you meant when you made these changes. (Granted, it would have stuck better without the booty call, but oh well.)

Tell him to stop acting like a petulant teenager--that you are not his mother and you are not going to give him a curfew or ground him. But that you and he made a commitment to each other 10(?) years ago, and that basic respect and consideration for each other was at the very base of that commitment.

And then ask him how HE thinks is a loving spouse should act.

The limbo thing really sucks. It is like you are a couple only sometimes. You talk in half truths. half of your life feels missing. I am in that boat with you except you are getting a lot more physical affection. Let us know how it goes tonight!

He is at his parents house right now because they wanted to "talk" to him. (Gosh, I hope I am still in their good graces!)
I kinda wish his mom would have called to talk to me, but that's okay.

His sister and I don't really get along, but I will give her major props for this: when he told her she said that he should do what he needed to do; but absolutely NOT get involved with someone else. That if he really *does* want to figure out what is going to make him happy, then he needs to do that on his own. (Go sis'!) He seemed to heed her advice, but you never can tell what will happen if he is actually presented with the opportunity.

I don't think the physical affection is going to continue. It prompts relationship talks and makes us feel "funny" since we aren't fully together. (Says I, now that the "edge" is off. Talk to me when he and I are horny again. )

He said that he feels like things are boring and stale. I said that I totally agree (because I do). I said that I thought we both had the same vision for what we would want for the marriage, but because we have become so polarized that we are defending the abstract instead of finding a solution. (I give him the example of Wife wanting to go out more, Husband wanting to stay home; W approaches H and complains that she wants to do more things(abstract) and H resists. Finally, W explains that she means just go to city once a month and H totally thinks that is fine. (Finding solution.) He agreed with my thought.

Here is something I forgot to mention earlier-he said that he thinks we could have an awesome relationship,if he would put in the time and energy; what he is trying to figure out is *why* he doesn't want to. (I still think it's because of him remembering when I was thyroid impaired.) He did acknowledge that I am totally not that person and he "doesn't hold it against me...well, maybe a little".

I am keeping my fingers crossed that his parents impart some piece of wisdom that makes him say "what the heck was I thinking??? I must have been crazy!!!!" But, somehow I doubt that will happen. And even if it did, I am not sure how we get out of the rut we are in right now.

And, all of what I write is EXACTLY why I can't understand how it is we are in this position.

Do those family talks make any impact? My H's family will be here in a few days. I know that my MIL is planing on having the talk, but I do not think it makes a difference at all. Any person who is willing to leave has pretty much made up their mind a while ago and is just looking for the opportunity to leave. Gosh, listen to me being so negative. SAll I know is that if my S2 ever acted like my H, he would get a spankin!

I don't think the in law talks do much. My H just got more frustrated and mad everytime he had to explain to someone why we were seperating b/c no one could understand his feelings. His dad is a preacher and they haven't even had the talk. I don't think his Dad even knows what to say to him. They don't think they can make an impact on what he is thinkng right now and they are probably right. Hard-heartedness is very hard to break through.

Well, I'm kinda po'd at the ILs right now.
They confirmed with him that he "knew" what he was doing and then proceeded advise that before he moves he should consult and attorney so that the rules can be set in stone. (ie, he isn't abandoning the house, I can't have anyone move in, etc.)
I am fine with getting some things on paper, but I don't know about the attorney thing (at this point.)
I was irritated with them because I would have liked them to fight for family a bit more. Oh well.

Then I said "Controlled Separation" covers all these things and more and he says "Yeah, well, I don't want to agree to any dating/sex rules." Grrrr I say "Look, if you have sex it's adultry.period." He says "Well, then maybe we should just go for a divorce right now, I don't agree with the adultry part." *sigh*
M "So you want to F people SOOOO bad you will force a divorce?!"
H "No. I am not leaving just to go scrw people. Okay, I promise I won't have sex withone for 2 months. How's that?"

So, we go around a bit about whether our marriage can be saved, whether we should "date" during this break, who's fault is what, etc.

He says that he thinks he will know "pretty quickly, like within 2 months" whether he wants to move on or not. (Hmmmmm, he'll know within 2 months and not have sex for 2 months.....hmmmmmm)

I can't believe I am going to say what I am about to say, but 2 months doesn't seem like enough time to decide about a 10 year marriage.

MKultra-I agree that anyone who has gotten so far as to start talking with family members, has made up their mind a long time ago. He says that he is tired of living for everyone else; he wants to be happy; he's tired of always thinking about the impact his decision will have on the extended family, etc etc.

He has been waffling for awhile now, so our relationship has been tenuous, but I always thought he would snap out of it. He has the audacity to say "Well, I'm sure *you're* relieved to finally have an answer" to which I said "Um, no. I never thought you would actually do this. I had hoped that one day you would realize what you have. No, I am not relieved-I am sad, scared,angry and frustrated. I am especially frustrated because I view the marriage as VERY saveable. Even YOU said if we put the time in it could be great." He corrected me with this "I meant that if I made a *commitment* and we put the time in it could be great. I don't think spending time together in and of itself would make it great." Ouch.

One of my biggest objections is that he feels bored and like things are stale with us. So, during the time he is away, he will be hanging out with more people from work and trying different things. He said that he won't date anyone seriously, but does want to be able to "hang out" with women. Where i object especially is that he will be taking "Suzy Q" to go and do fun, new stuff instead of me. I will really pale in comparison, since I won't be getting the "credit" for the fun new stuff- I will still be 'boring and stale'. I did point out that this hardly seemed fair and he understood my point and agreed to do some fun stuff with me, too.

Anyone else out there think tht 2 months isn't enough time? I should I consider myself lucky?

Wow welcome to my marriage! I don't think 2 months is long enough depending on what is happening during that time. I set no time limit with my H as long as I know he is thinking and I'm okay waiting. If I find out there is an A or that he is partying all the time I think I'll set a time limit. We both agreed to no dating, we are still married rules. He said he needed space to think. Thinking does not include sleeping with other people.

Isn't it frustrating to know how saveable the marriage is and what good work you could do with it but not be able to do it!

Agent99,

2 months is really not very long at all. You would think if he was genuinely thinking he would need more time that that. You'd barely get settled in that time. Also the comment about not seriously dating is a bit weak, I hope any other party sees it that way too.

Finally, I'm with you on the fun stuff. One of the issues I have with my W living on her own in the city is that she will naturally feel life is more exciting and that life with me was more boring. What's a guy to do? Better not think about it and get on with my own fun.

Max