Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Do I buy a house? What about sex?

Oops. Well, I wasn't trying to drag her into anything. Mainly wanted to establish no hard feelings.



Yes. Emotionally I do not want a divorce. But also, there are financial and logistical reasons that I don't want one. I really need to get my business back on track, figure out how I would pay for health insurance, etc.



See, THAT is why I wanted you to look at things. You speak plainly and clearly. I appreciate the time that you did take to respond.

I totally get the mil "I love you" thing. My mil and I say it every time we get off the phone and everytime they (or we) leave from a vacation. I can't imagine how hard it would be to seperate from his side of the family or to stay so connected in the event of divorce. My H pretty much told me that a D is what he is wanting so right now it is hard to think about his side of the family without getting really upset.

I will see my In Laws this week. They live cross country. It is odd to lose a second set of parents. They are still Grandma and Grandpa, but it is so hard on me. MY MIL and I used to talk twice per week, now she cries each time. It is too hard for me to hear the pessimism all the time. She says, "I can't believe this is happening. I know things will never be the same between us now."

I have to say, "Oh, it will be fine. Don't worry."
So why has he announced to everyone how decided he is? Am I some awful wife that he has to make such a rapid declaration? What happened to, "We are having marital problems right now." It went straight to, "I can't be with someone I do not love. I am never going back." He repeats this over and over to everyone. It is like hate.

My step son (his son who I helped raise, and was a major reason for H deciding to marry me) just called me from across the country. He will be coming out here for 2 weeks an about a week and half. He wanted to make sure that we got together when he is here. He was very supportive and said he hoped his dad would change his mind and come to his senses. More stuff like that. That I will always be a second mom to him. That my daughter will always be his sister. It was very nice.

I think *that* sort of thing is what I had been hoping my MIL would say.

It is very hard to think about not spending holidays with the extended family, etc. At least I can look in the mirror and know that even though I made some mistakes, I have learned and am geniunely sorry. Nothing else I can do. I have apologized to those I feel I need to apologize to.

Since today is his bday and he and his parents are out celebrating, I decided to go and rent a movie and get some Thai take out. I also purchased some moving boxes and packing tape. I think that best gift I can give to him today is the freedom to find out what he really wants. I actually (this second at least) feel okay about it. What Oldtimer said really hit home: "You aren't really holding on to anything. He is already gone." For this brief period of time, I think I am getting to feel the blessings of detachment.

After he got home we had a good talk. When he first came thru the door, I wasn't mopey or anything (I am sure he thought I would be) and I just asked if he had a good time, where'd they go etc. I was geniunely glad they had a nice time. I told him that his son called, that my daughter had called me after she called him to wish him a happy bday, an overview of the convo with his mom and one with my mother. Apparently his dad was starting to criticize me and my H stopped him dead in his tracks and said that since he wants to have a relationship with me (friendship or more) that he wasn't interested in hearing anything negative. That it doesn't help.

It was similar to the convo I had with my mom. My H and I agreed that while our close family is well-meaning (in that they want to see us happy, etc) they are too close to the sitch to help. That their unsolicited opinions have no relevance on the reality of our relationship and could be doing more harm than good.

He did tell me that he talked with his brother who started to give him a different perspective. Ultimately bro said he would support him in his decision; but he did challenge my H and asked him questions. He didn't necessarily agree that H was making the right choice. I could tell that whatever his brother said it made a crack in the veneer.

We went to bed (he's been back in my bed) and we watched some Leno while I rubbed his sore shoulder. I give him a bday "treat".

This morning, I came to wake him up and he motioned for me to snuggle with him.

I don't think it is going to stop him from moving out; but I also think that maybe he is starting to think that *maybe* there could be a chance for us.

I am still letting go as of this point.

yeah, I understand that. but the point is, he wasn't willing to commit to ANY time, right?

Your mother in law should know that, in the face of the lies her son is telling her about how he tried so hard, blah blah blah.
You sound like you actually have a positive relation with your MIL. She sounds like she would believe you. which could make a difference. It may not be "THE" difference, but many small nudges from different areas, may together keep him rolling in the positive direction.

She was felt pretty distant from me when we spoke yesterday and I am sure if I let her know that he wouldn't do the MB time, she would just see it as me grasping at straws/tattling.

H is out looking for an apartment right now.

I met for 2 hours with my counselor today (who also tried to counsel my H.) She said that J was difficult to pin down and she is really confused why he was doing this since he always spoke so highly of me, said our sex life was great, etc. and she believes this "missing" thing is something within himself and has NOTHING to do with the marriage.

One thing that we determined for ME to work on was really setting some boundaries w/my mom.

I spoke on the phone for at least an hour w/my mom and we had it out. I tried to avoid hurting her feelings, but she has very little sense of boundaries, so it is impossible to not hurt her feelings while I am breaking away.

Since J and I agreed last night to no longer listen to our parents' opinions, I can only hope that he speaks with more people like his brother who offer up different perspectives that are more balanced. And/or that he goes back to counseling so he can deal with FOO issues.

I wonder if one of those positive nudges could be your in laws mentioning that you are loving? I know my H heard a rumour that I did not respect his job from an in law. That helped him decide to leave. He told me it was reported to him that I do not respect him. I wonder if the opposite would be true for us? What if there was a rumour that we were still in love with our spouses? Would that be good or pathetic?

I know in my case it would be too soon to throw anything into the rumor mill. My H already knows that while I am "accepting" his decision that I still love him and stand for the marriage.

When I talked w/my MIL the other day, I did say that he and I were best friends and I was hopeful that one day he would come back.

I know that when I have called him on the carpet for not actually *trying* everything possible, his explanation is that he just couldn't find the emotional energy to do it. The way he tells it, the attempt to find the emotional energy is 'trying'.

he's being a baby. or, best case, a teenager.

Teenagers dont do laundry/homework/cleanup/take out trash, because "i dont feel like it".

Adults say, "this needs to be done. so, i'm going to do it".

Dont accept his 'emotional energy' garbage. "call him on it, next time it comes up.

It's not about muscling up enough feelings to do stuff.. it's about DOING stuff, to GET BACK feelings!