Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Divorced, But Not Done Reconciling with ex-husband

Learning how to communicat effectively is exactly what they teach at the Retrouvaille weekend. That is what it is. That is the miracle cure for marriage that they offer.

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with some of the suggestions that the right thing to do is to allow your H access to everything to show him he can trust you again. It sounds like he's really having trust issues along with an attitude that he "owns" you and that he has a right to control your life. Infidelity is a terrible thing, but it doesn't do either one of you any good to continue down this path (you giving up your boundaries and he acting like he owns your life).

Trust needs to be built slowly again, and he has to choose to trust you again, not by thinking he has a right to control everything about you and having access to your emails. That's not trust, that's ownership of another person.

Eliminating the BF is a first step, but it's only a first step. You will have to earn his trust again, and I don't think that will magically happen by allowing him access to your emails. If he's checking up on you constantly (and not trusting that you're telling him the truth), that is not the beginnings of building an honest and trusting relationship again.

And likewise, he will have to earn your trust again, too. And that's not by trying to dominate you or browbeat you by demanding to know your every actions or your every single thoughts.

IMHO, if you give in to his current behavior, it's like putting a band aid on a severed limb. It's the wrong thing to do.

He needs to behave like he wants you as a loving, caring, faithful partner back in his life, not like he wants someone who he has absolute control over. Yes, you did wrong, but that doesn't give him the right to do the things he's doing. If he really wants you back, he needs to understand that he is wanting you back for the right reasons. And you need to know that you are trying to reconcile for the right reasons as well.

Sorry for the babbering, but I just feel that after reading your sitch, that giving in to his unreasonable (IMO) behaviors is probably not in the best interest of re-creating a relationship that's beneficial to the two of you. JMHO. Best of luck.

Thanks for your insight keeping,

I believe my husband and I were meant to be together, we just have to work though the trust issues. We do have little break throughs every day. Yesterday, for example, he said he decided that the anger and fights weren't worth it for something he couldn't change. I am trying to conclude the relationship i have now, but i have a hard time kicking some one out on the street with no money.

But yes we shouldn't control eachother, and we never did before our "houseguest" wrecked our lives. I think the more my ex sees that I am trying the more he will understand. At least that is my hope.

I hope every day that i will wake up and it will all be over...

Thanks Sara...

I want to try that once everything is stable. After reading the posts here, we don't want to start counseling yet.

Delia,

I couldn't agree with you more about the counseling! I was going to a very nice lady, very similar to the one you went to. She was a great listener, but what I really needed was a game plan and suggestions about what to do....

So i am looking for a new counselor...the divorce busters center is here in colorado so i would be curious about their options.

Definitely go there--it's amercy you're so close.

By the way, the PM function doesn't seem to be working.

I guess not...

Here is my email

hsearls@comcast.net

When you're ready to commit to your marriage again, it won't be difficult to kick out the BF. Plus, unless there's a reason, he should be able to support himself, right?

I'm not sure the houseguest wrecked your lives. Perhaps he brought out some of the things that were below the surface that needed to be addressed?

I'm sure he sees that you're trying, and I'm sure he realizes that is what he should be doing, too. Maybe he just doesn't know how to show that just yet. Hang in there! :-)

The "houseguest" was my ex husbands friend from work. She and he had known eachother for quite awhile before we met and she needed a place to stay during her break up with her bf. I agreed to let her in the house, but it was a HUGE mistake as she caused a big rift between my ex and I. I think they just got too close and she was always there to bad mouth me to him.

This is what caused me to turn to my co-workers and ultimately my bf. He is in very serious financial trouble, so he is not financially solvent at the moment....

Thank you so much for your kind words...it helps a lot...