Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Does my wife have MLC? HELP!!!

Thank you mmf! You've asked some great questions. Is she worth it? I can relate to the hell. It is what I have been in for only three months and it seems like eternity. I have so much respect for you and others that have been through this for so much longer than I have. How did you handle the dating thing? Did you discuss it? Make agreements? Not date at all knowing it might screw things up even more? Your situation is similar to me -- early 40's, teenagers, etc. Are you still holding on for hope? Did you set goals for yourself or how do you keep hoping? I wish I could just detach, move on, not care. But the fact is that I do care. I feel so connected to her because we were together so long and did so much together. I guess she doesn't feel the same way. She must be hoping there is something or someone better out there. At what point do you split up the assets? I don't even want to go there but I have to ask so I'm not blindsided. What a lousy journey. I cannot even concentrate on work or myself. I did have my own life to a certain extent, now I can seem to find the motivation to get to it. I don't even feel cycling or mountain climbing anymore. I keep telling myself that she's not going to break my spirit but essentially she has. Sorry to go on and on. This helps though. Thanks for listening.
KB

Keep Breathing, reading your sitch was almost like mine except I have did not moved because of the job. I to have just started this fun bus trip to $#@* but I think that our R/M is worth the effort. In my stich we are seperated but sharing the house and our summer home. when our work schedules conflict I stay with a friend. Use the resorces in the MLC forum, I have read it several times and have to keep reminding myself to keep a PMA. I started doing the things I use to do, running, working out. Golf is next on the list.
There are a lot of caring people here willing to help and they have great advise.
two of my coworkers went through the same thing a few years ago, one was succufull the other not so lucky. Have faith take care of the kids they will need some there for them, and by all means do not defend yourself or vent to the W do it HERE, I learned the hard way and pushed her farther away.

The in-house separation was forced in a way, as the housing market was flat, but of course, a walkaway will just up and leave (Where there is a will, there is a way).

With the depression of MLC, she hung around, for what I do not know, she ran out of friends to go live with, they became public enemy number one.



My speach included you were a good husband and father, I just feel numb, and I just want to do things before I am fifty. Why she could not do "things" in the confines of a marriage is anyones guess.



When it first happened and our situation became common knowledge, the number of people that came to me and said they envied our marriage. We went out dancing and drinking every week. Our marriage was seen to be so stable, even my parents wanted us to be executors of their will, as we were seen to be the most stable of all my parents off spring.


No it was not a lie, the stupid thing is, it is lie that she is living now, one day the enormity of this will hit home. What sane mother, is happy to loose her daughter for the pursuit of happiness.



Oh! the "Till death do us part, or until one gets fed up" one.

I also like the quote that it takes 2 people agree to marry, 2 people to bring children into the world, but only 1 to seperate/divorce.



No, one thing I learnt long ago was that she had to leave first, before she would come back. I cannot say for all, but from what I have read, usually when they have a plan they see it through to the end.



I think the 2 years of the in-house separation helped. They grew used to the idea, just as I did, they detached from the drama just as you or I must. In fact I learnt a lot from them. They told me to GAL, they told me to move on, they even told me not to have her back. They saw what she was doing. Once my son came to me with the observation that his mother was trying to be younger than she was, I could explain what she was going through.
We even had a laugh together at the "MLC for dummies". Of course they are hurting though.



Yes, I am OK.
Looking - No! One thing I have learnt, getting a bandaid for our pain does not work. It is just like the MLCer.
Hurt - I hurt for the kids, not myself. Things like holidays, birthdays and christmas are no longer the same.
Confused - No! this is where reading as much as you can helps.

The nightmare will end, the length of the nightmare is down to you. I am not talking about the length of MLC. The pain and anguish lasts as long as you let it.

Detach!
Detach!
Detach!

Easier said than done, I know.

It has been said that we need about a month for every year of marriage, and I would say that is about right.

Yes, I am OK.
Looking - No! One thing I have learnt, getting a bandaid for our pain does not work. It is just like the MLCer.
Hurt - I hurt for the kids, not myself. Things like holidays, birthdays and christmas are no longer the same.
Confused - No! this is where reading as much as you can helps.

The nightmare will end, the length of the nightmare is down to you. I am not talking about the length of MLC. The pain and anguish lasts as long as you let it.

Detach!
Detach!
Detach!

Easier said than done, I know.

It has been said that we need about a month for every year of marriage, and I would say that is about right.



Sorry Simon...can't get the quoties to work!! But I wanted to say you still amaze me!! You summed it all up right here. But I have a question. When do the months start?

I cannot thank all of you enough. I am still at work, waiting for the tears to stop before I head home to see her, of course me with my life. This has helped me tremendously. I absolutely love the one liner pages. The MLC for dummies was awesome. I think I could have written that to the T! I literally was laughing out loud which I needed right now! With your help I will get through this. 3 months down, 16 to go!

Keep breathing ... because the sun will come up tomorrow and you don't know what the tide might bring in (from the movie Cast Away).

KB,

Glad to see you got such good help. You can do this (whatever this you decide on). Is the tide brining something in better than what cat's drag in? I sure hope so.

KB

You can not diagnose the difference between straight WAW and mlc.

Contributors to mlc do seem to be common and your W has the list. Kids are old enough to not need her. She has had her share of birthdays and feels her best years may be behind her. She will re-write history around that fact to eventually include stating she never loved you and marrying you was a mistake. Not all MLCers will "wake up" to retract that notion. She has new ability to live on her own and experience life.

If she is not yet in some kind of blooming A, she is thinking about one. This is unfortunately part of the mlc script. As for how this turns out, I will let others tell their own story.

My W became my X after a one year sep and a few months of div business. I got the bomb after 24 yrs, 11 months, and a couple weeks of being M to the same person you just described. She did have me over to the house for my Bday the first summer for dinner with the boys, and so she could tell me her rings were off. She filed one year to the day that I got the bomb and left the house so she could have her time and space. You have seen, or will see the dead eyes of the alien that possesses her. They remind me now of the song about Those Lying Eyes.

We have been D almost a year now and I see no reason to believe she has any different feelings than the day of the bomb. She has begun to take a bigger part in the lives of our two grown sons that pretty well got erased when this all started.

I do get email now regarding business of the two sons instead of the old spew about her dating, her new friends, 'X'cetera. So at least she has learned to be civil. It was all devastating for one son who ended up falling out of college in an ongoing clinical depression.

Do not leave your home. You did nothing terrible enough to bring all this to an end. You did nothing so wrong that you should be forced from your home, and I promise falling on your sword for the good of your W will have no positive affect on her at all. Her best chance of learning she will not be happy in the future, is to live that way, on her own when she becomes so determined as to move out.

You will get better support here than with many IC if you decide to Stand for your M and take a run at outlasting this thing we often call mlc. Good luck and keep updating.

Hi KB!

This is some great insight from W2S btw...

Do not leave your home ! You are the launching and landing pad. Sit tight !

Tom

Hi,

I wish to goodness I had the secret to the magic answer for you. I felt like I was in MLC and came very, very close to being a WAW. As you have already been told, no two people are alike. Just by reading your stitch, I can only tell you what things came to my mind.

First, she apparently was unhappy for a while...reading books, etc. What kind of books? Marriage help, self help, romance? She was mostly a stay at home mom....although she did have a degree and did not use that degree for many years. Her children are almost grown....new place....but most importantly a new job...that would be my first red flag to see. Changes started almost immediately after she got out into the work force...am I right? How did she dress? Has she changed her hair? Wear more make-up? Wear younger looking syles or sexier? Does she appear or act younger than her age? Do men find her attractive?

It is a very hard thing for some of us gals to loose our youth and our looks while men just get better as they age....as apparently you have. She may resent that. If you are admired by the opposite sex because you have stayed in good shape and you have maintained your youthfulness like some men are lucky enough to do...she may really subconciously resent you too!

My very first thoughts to all this is that she is getting somebody's attention at work....or else she WANTS to get somebody's attention and she is feeling guilty about it. Guilt being the key word here. Married women that feel attracted to OM feel very guilty. Plus, she has been home all these years and she may be like a kid in a candy store. To try to ease her guily feelingsm, she is trying to find every fault with her H that she can. This is just IMHO. Since I don't know anymore about her, I certainly can't do anymore than guess, by what you have told us.

I really don't know what to tell you about the chores around the house, etc. She will use it against you either way you go, if she is trying to find excuses to ease her guilt. I would suggest that you do nothing to help her move out. Do not pay for anything....unless the courts demand it. She needs to know how it will be to make it on her own. As far as going out with friends....about the same as with the chores....don't know. It could go either way. However, if you guys are not sleeping together in the same room...I would suggest that you not try to hug, kiss, etc. I think if I were you, I probably would try staying at home to do the chores, be nice and polite, don't be cold, but don't try to pursue her with affection, either. Wait for her signals on that. Don't act like a whip puppy and stand around watching her as she does her morning routine or in the evenings at home. Read, watch tv, play games with the kids, or go places with the kids, etc. You can causally invite her to go along with you all if she would like, but don't act sad or disappointed, or beg her, etc., if she doesn't. I hope the kids will support this action they see you doing without you ever having to say a word to them, and hopefully, she will decide that there is a good chance that her family might be happy without her and she won't want that.

If she is in MLC, something needs to shock her to wake her up. If she is getting attached emotionally to OM, she needs to be shaken up before it turns into a PA. I have told several on here about two E-books I found on another web site. There is a message board as well, but I didn't like it. The books, however, was a real eye-opener for me. You can find them on womensinfidelity.com. It talks about women in 4 stages. The first books talks about women's sexuality, which is very informative for all men as well as women to read. The second book talks about the last two stages. Stage three is called "limbo" and that is where the woman doesn't know what she wants to do. That is where I was and when I read what stage 4 was...I did not want to live my life like that. The books, plus the advice I got on this board, shook me up...woke me up and got me out of the limbo stage. I have not recovered or my marriage has not healed from all the damage I have done to it, but at least I made a decision to stay. I was not able to even make a decision until I read those books.

Your wife sounds like she is in the limbo stage...even if she has not had an EA. She just doesn't know what she wants right now. It sounds like she is looking for an excuse and just waiting for you to hang yourself. That puts a lot of pressure on you my friend. If you are in MC, ask the C what to do about going out with friends, etc. There comes a time that you have to GAL, but that may be after separation, if it goes that far. I think you should spend as much time as you can with the kids and at home until you can figure out what she is going through.

Also, if she has not had a good check-up for female stuff, she may need to do that. Hormones affect all us gals all our life, so you never know if it may be something medication could help. I've seen it change lives simply because of the hormone changes.

Have you noticed her making coments like how everything on tv or in magizines is geared to the young and beautiful? That got to bothering me big time! When I went to the mall, everywhere I looked was clothes for the young and skinny! Beautiful models everywhere, etc. I felt old, worn out, and ugly. So, when the OM came alone and started feeding my ego...wow! I perked up like a new doll. Stared dressing up, fixing up, lost weight, changed my hair color...the works. That is why I asked you those questions earlier. Just a few signs to look for if your wife is going through MLC or EA. Mine hit all about the same time. I am afraid in most cases...not all...but most...an EA or PA is not far behind a MLC if it lasts very long.

Has she been going out at night....alone? She could just be going to the mall, but is she going...alone? That doesn't mean she is having an affair! But, there is something about going through MLC that just makes you want to get away from H and kids. Maybe she says she just needs to get out and drive around for a while......not a good sign.

You probably have not done that much to hurt the marriage, just have your side of it. However, she will put you down in order to make herself feel better. So, be prepared and expect it. Sad to say, but we feel so crappy about what we are doing to our family that we try to justify ourselves by making our H looks like a heel...or worse, if we can.

Oh, one more thing...before I forget...don't question her! Don't ask questions unless it is a "have to" situation. She will be very touchy about that and blame you for being "controlling". Feed her ego without sounding like you are just trying to get sex. Start out slow, if you haven't done this on a regular basis or she may be suspicious of it...lol.

Best of luck to you. Let me hear from you. I care.

Sandi2

Sandi,

Thank you for that site. Here's a link. Women's Infidelity