Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? HELLLLLLLLLLP,,,need advice asap!

Saffie-

You asked me why her first marriage didn't work, and she has told me that the man was abusive and controlling. From the stories she has told me and from what I know of him, he was indeed. She always spoke of the marriage as if he was the fault of everything gone wrong though, and though I am certain he was what she said, she never told me what she felt she contributed to their problems. They were married for less than a year before she ran out on him and filed. She was very hateful towards him as was her family. She told me that due to a life-threatening health condition and her age at the time (21) she was vulnerable to making poor judgments, and she married him out of loneliness.

The interesting part is that I have always felt controlled by her and her emotional insecurities. She had a severe drinking prob the first couple of years we were together, where she would become verbally abusive and denied the problem as I tried to get her to stop. She ran to and from my love for her as she often accused me of being controlling when I would ask her to stop drinking. As time went on she began cutting me off in mid sentence and taking personal jabs at me anytime I disagreed with her about anything. She still does not let me finish my sentences as she butts in to make jabs or accuse me of controlling her or having the worst intentions, no matter how I approach the topic. She also warned me in the beginning of our R that she "ruins things". I have always told her I want her to learn how to compromise with me and find solutions, but she will usually insist that I am just trying to control her. Additionally, she usually will butt in and interrupt whatever I am saying to make her own case no matter how respectful my approach. She has never believed that she is fit to be a good partner to anyone, including me, and also suffers depression and has denied her Dr's diagnosis that she is bipolar. I can compliment her and thank her for weeks on end, but as soon as I want to discuss something that is bothering me, she becomes defensive and insists she isn't a good wife and shuts down all communication on the topic until she is ready-but she rarely is ready! We have seen two different counselors at her suggestion, only for her to reason that we should stop going because they were biased towards me and against her, now she insists I was the one who wanted to stop going. No matter what the issue, I have historically been the one who must wait on her, give her space and accept her verbal mud slingings as she justifies her reasons and insists that I never apologize. Yet, most often I am the first one to do so, and the best I get from her is an "explanation" of why she said or did what she did. She has a hard time accepting responsibility, no matter the topic or problem, while I pour my guts out in letters, emails and "make-up" talks".

The really messed up part of all of this is that I know if I hadn't screamed the Big D in frustration, we wouldn't be here now. I am positive she has had no intentions of leaving me, but because she is aware of her own mistakes in our M/R, she shuts down all responsibility and runs away while she just claims that she is not good for me. I know she is not seeing anyone and she has told me before that I am the only one who truly understands her, but in times of conflict, she has historically defended her actions by telling me that she just isn't good for me and that I understand nothing about her. It's very frightening how fast she can switch things up, and it leaves me feeling helpless.

Mr Hindsight,

It strikes me that you have two issues here. The immediate problem or opening good channels of communication with your W and HER problems with herself. From what you say I would think that she does not like herself very much and that she uses attack as a means of defense. I can personally relate to this and until she is in a position to face this herself It is going to be hard. Perhaps what she needs is IC rather than couple counselling so that she can address herself and her own vulnerabilities and insecurities without feeling she is exposing herself to you at a time when your R is in a bad place. She sounds like a lady that would rather run from her problems than face them and mentioning the D word has given her the excuse to run. I imagine her head is spinning!!

On a positive note tho' it sounds that the problems may not be much so much your M but rather your W's insecurities and from what you say it seems that there is no other man involved which simplifies the sitch. Keep reading the Divorce Remedy book and practising the techniques. It sounds as though if you can get her communicating again in a positive manner you may stand a good chance of turning this around. Your W sounds complex and it also seems that she is going through a hard time which is making it hard for your R. MY guess is she needs your support and needs to feel safe and trusting so that she can open up and address the issues she has.

Saffie

Saffie-

You hit the nail on the head! The challenge in turning this around is that she is also very good at burying her emotions when she is scared, even to me. Her insecurities are her own worst enemy and I have exhausted myself trying to build her up over the years. When we have no conflict, she is very loving and supporting like no other person in my life, but...when she is feeling down she takes her feelings out on me in little ways until we have a blowout. I have accepted my responsibility for not controlling my own emotions at this point, but it seems we never get past the point where she is convinced that my "temper" is the problem, and where she admits that her won temper is usually the first to flair. As long as I agree with her and enable her destructive patterns, we get along great, and I admit that I have lost my patience for this cycle. I have told her since the split that I am here for her both emotionally and financially, but she says she needs nothing from me. I know she feels alone and scared and it breaks my heart to know that I let her trust down by threatening the D. I fear she will never trust me again, but despite her own misgivings, she does give me love and support like I have never received. She says she just doesn't have it in her to do the "work" anymore, but we have only been married for less than a year! I know if she lets this end, she will walk away feeling even more of a failure in life, and that seems to be her biggest enemy already. She is a wonderful woman with so much to give, but no matter how I seem to go about it, she constantly doubts that of herself to the point where it has consumed our life. I am crying just thinking about her and how she is really feeling underneath all of this. How do I rebuild that trust while she is away and in denial without contacting her or pushing her away? I am afraid that too much 180 will send her further away as she will think I have given up on her.

Mr Hindsight,

I think your idea about maybe getting her to read DR is a good one - then she can see where you are coming from.

She does have to find it within her tho' to help herself to some extent. It is hard to look at oneself coldly, especially when one knows one is not going to like what they are going to see. Been there and got the T shirt as have most people on here I expect.

Love and support are going to be very important to her I think.
180 is not the same as going dark; let her know you will still be there for her. The fact that you are reading and posting are ways of showing how much you care and want to improve things.

Having someone 100% behind you is a fantastic thing. If you don't value oneself tho' it is hard to believe that someone else values you. You just need to be shown over and over again. I find that I am trying my H out all the time to make sure that he really is 100% committed.

Hang in there.......

Saffie

I definitely would NOT share the DB or DR book with her.

I have yet to see a sitch where it did any good, but I've seen many of them where it backfired, big time. It comes across as pushing her to see it the "right" way (your way) - and will also likely make her see your changes as manipulation rather than real, lasting changes.

That's interesting - I can see why you may say that.

I guess I was much further along with my Sitch when I came across DR bk and my H and I found it quite useful to read bits separately and then discuss them. It seemed to give us a way in to to discussing some things when perhaps we found it difficult to start the ball rolling.

Everyone's Sitch is so different and all of us are so different that I guess it depends on the personalities involved.

Saffie

Ok, the DR makes no difference now-she has made herself pretty clear, though I still think she is just running scared from working on our M. Yesterday made the stupid choice to ask her to meet w/me for a chat (yea, I know, I know). Still convinced that she wouldn't even be trying to go through with this had I not screamed the D word in our last fight, I picked a bouquet of wildflowers and told her how I can see things from her perspective, that I'll always be there for her and that I won't give up on her (blah!). She was cold and unforgiving per usual and had trouble looking me in the eye. The meeting ended with her throwing the flowers out the window and handing me my W ring (which I refused to take back-Lord knows where it may be now). I can't believe she is giving up. Thinks she is better off living alone and told me not to wait for her (though we have been through this exact same scenario before we were engaged). Slept for less than 3 hours last night and feel scared out of my mind. Everyone is telling me to move on, but how can I do that when I am living with all of our stuff/life and she hasn't been home since the day she left? Did I really bring this on by yelling the D word in our fight? I know we are both to blame for our communication troubles, but can't help but to feel that we would be warm and snuggly this evening in our living room had I not started this mess. Feel like an idiot and a failure. I know she really has tried so much harder over the past few months, and I think I may have been too hard on her all along out of old habits and stress. Still reading DR, but losing faith in it and beginning to think she means what she says and is never planning to come home. I would do anything in the world for her...even forgive her for yelling the D word in the heat of an argument.Am I just a pushover?

Mr H,

You are not a pushover - you are on a rollercoaster of a ride.

You say you went through this exact some scenario with her when you were engaged so hold on to that thought. Give her time. Patience is a must in these situations.

Saffie

Your emotions are all over the place. Hang in there.

My H is not living with us at the moment. This is his 5th time of leaving. Up until now he's always come back. I've read DR once and am now reading it again. The things he's telling me I've heard all before. Do I know for sure he's coming back no. And that hurts. All I want is my family back. I do know he's confused and he's afraid to come back for fear of me still not being there for him. I try to hold onto the fact that so far every time he has come back. In the meantime I'm working on making myself a better person. I'm working on patience and believing that time really is on my side.

They say you're not supposed to believe anything they say and only half of what you see.... Try to keep that in mind while going thru this. I know it's hard but no one knows for sure what's in store.