Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? H coming today, what do I do when he asks how I am

Just dropped in to see how you're doing. You sound great!

As for the wedding pictures--go ahead and put them back up if it no longer hurts to look at them. Right now this is YOUR house and you should make it comfortable for YOU. H may or may not even see/notice (He may not have noticed you took it down). If he does, you can tell him you like how you looked that day.

thanks. I'm having good and bad moments, but overall feel good. trying not to think too far ahead...I get caught up wondering how/when he'll ask for a divorce, or how/when/what I'll do should he ask to come back (although the former seems more likely right now). Its really hard to let go of the control, even when I really don't have any when it comes to either.

he does know I took the pics down because he asked me about it. he said the thought it was important for the kids to see the pics. I put them back up, then when I found out (again) he was still in contact with her, I took them down, left the one on his desk (home office) and left a note telling him he was welcome to put it up wherever he is living if he thinks its so important for the kids to see it. he left it in his office, didn't take it with him. he'll definitely notice its up again. so trying to decide if its smart or not to put it up now. I suppose it could only re-affirm that even though I am GAL, I also do want our marriage to work.

something to think about. he's not here until tuesday, so will think about it some more. I can always put it up/take it down again if I feel weird about it.

Morgan - first off I think I forgot to post last time, sorry that you're in this sitch.

As for the picture - do what's right for you, not worry about manipulating him. I did the picture thing too so I know what you mean - mine came down, went back up, came down again... once I stopped and thought about what worked for ME rather than what might mess with H's head, it was much better.

As for the note I'd toss it - he knows he can put up a picture at his house if he wants. The note's more of a "jab" at him even though it's subtle.

I think this is right, so again, if you want to look at it, put it back up. If you don't want him to see that you've put it up, hang it in your bedroom.

nikki, yeah, the note was snotty. I know that now, but I did it weeks ago, and yeah, he saw it. didn't say anything. I've done a few snotty things even though I knew they weren't working for me. I couldn't seem to help it. now I am doing better. as for manipulating him, I'm sure you are right, too. Its so hard to think in terms of what I want, though, with not caring about how it affects him/us. I'll get there, I'm sure, but not there yet.

thanks, mike, for your input. I'm going to go ahead and put it back up. doubt he'll mention it to me, trust me, we have a bigger elephant in the room (I opened his corporate card statement last week, not something I usually do, and oh yes there was stuff there re: OW. bad stuff. but I didn't say a word. I shouldn't have opened it because I'm not ready to do anything about it...aka D...so I just put it, opened, on his desk. he knows I opened it, but hasn't said a word...yep, big elephant. lol). and I won't mention it to him. he will notice the picture though, eventually, and hopefully it will just let him know I am still open to fixing the marriage (have told him verbally, but not a bad thing to have more info out there) to go along with me GAL.

at least I hope its the right decision

okay, its sunday night and I survived day 6, no fighting. have felt pretty good all day...until now. now I'm starting to sink. he did not call to say goodnight to the kids, so I'm guessing he's not only still with OW (assuming he's with her, anyway) but probably staying the night, too. ugh. ugh ugh ugh. god that hurts.

trying not to assume.

the one proud I have is that I haven't called him...last week I would have found a reason to call (they kids want to say goodnight, even if they didn't ask, or, the box you left on the porch is getting wet from the rain, do you want me to move it?, etc). So I'll hold onto that teeny tiny proud, and of course the no fighting one. and try to remind myself that even those prouds don't really mean anything more than what they are. they don't mean that we are back together, or even might someday be back together. hard, when I want that so much.

hope this gets easier. hope I get stronger. hope if he is with her, they are having a rotten time.

okay, its monday morning and I survived another night. had a dream about my college boyfriend, it was funny, he just showed up out of the blue while I was on the phone trying to reach H. I was so happy to see him, so thrilled. and then the kids woke me up. lol.

today will be day 7 no fighting. I will make it so. even though part of me is screaming right now, I'm holding on. he hasn't called yet this morning, odd for him, and makes me know that he must be with her/have spent the night with her. just 2 weeks go I would have called my MIL's house, where he is living, to say the kids wanted to say good morning. And I would have found out he wasn't there, and I would have been seething and crushed and would have been either passive agressive or straight out agressive with him when he did call later. I would have called his mom at work and hinted around about whether he was there or not. but nope, not gonna do it. nope.

still hurts, trying to pretend that maybe there is a chance he isn't with her and just busy/overslept/early conference call/golf tourney/whatever. And all that really could be. But still, ugh, this is so freaking hard.

But going to try to GAL. Off to swim lessons with the kids soon and will try to make some plans with the other moms, both with and without the kids.

that's all something, right? even when I feel like a total weenie, staying strong looks different, right?

okay, he just called, from his cell, sounding like he had a late/rough night. I didn't say a word about either, just sounded peppy and let the kids talk, chatted for a minute about the kids, then was busy so I had to go. I'm going to try to pretend that he used his cell because he didn't want to run up his mom's long distance (she's only 45 minutes away, but in another state). and he does tend to use his cell even when there, so not that big a stretch. although I'm pretty sure my instincts are right here.

holding on to hope, however slim it is.

would really like to keep sticking to the book, however hard it is. would love to be a fly on the wall when he goes to therapy on wedn...the last few weeks he's had me to gripe about (she's so emotional! she's such a pita!) but this week hopefully either I have him confused or else so non-issue that he can work on himself for a change. of course, I'm pretty sure he is in therapy to try to figure out how to end our marriage, so hope he doesn't make progress on that front.

please let him have doubts.

so pathetic. I seriously feel so freakishly pathetic at times.

Morgan,

You are doing well. Not asking him about last night, not calling MIL with the kid excuse are all great things. They seem small, but from one how has and is living thru this I know the strength that it takes. It will make him feel better and may even allow him to open up more because he is not as threatened by your questioning. But more importantly it will allow you to feel better and at the end of the day that is what really matters here. So continue to fight off those urges to snoop and over time those feeling may even leave you all together (well they never leave all together, but it is nice when they are infrequent visitors…).

As for pretending if there is a chance – you don’t have to concern yourself with if there is a chance right now. It won’t be revealed to you today and most likely not tomorrow. So work on each day and work on yourself and your goals and the problem will seem smaller (I know hard to imagine) but it will. The pain may return, but the waves of pain won’t be as strong and there will be more calmness in-between waves.

My W dropped the bomb in April 06 and left in July 06. There were times last summer that I didn’t think I could go on, but I did and the world got brighter again. I still hold out hope that she will come back, but I’ve started living again and attempting to move on. There are days that I miss her so much I ache, but there are days I can see a happy future that doesn’t include her.

When the pain hits me I force myself to get out and active. I have become quite the runner and have found that feeling much better than 6 beers or sitting in my house staring at the walls pining for yesterday. When the pain of abstinence hits me…. (well I’ll save that one for another day) :0

I think you are doing really great and I’m pulling for you.

Jack

M – 43
WAS – 39
S – 10
D – 7
S – 4

Bomb – 4/06
Left – 7/06

Boston area

Morgan,

You are doing well. Not asking him about last night, not calling MIL with the kid excuse are all great things. They seem small, but from one how has and is living thru this I know the strength that it takes. It will make him feel better and may even allow him to open up more because he is not as threatened by your questioning. But more importantly it will allow you to feel better and at the end of the day that is what really matters here. So continue to fight off those urges to snoop and over time those feeling may even leave you all together (well they never leave all together, but it is nice when they are infrequent visitors…).

As for pretending if there is a chance – you don’t have to concern yourself with if there is a chance right now. It won’t be revealed to you today and most likely not tomorrow. So work on each day and work on yourself and your goals and the problem will seem smaller (I know hard to imagine) but it will. The pain may return, but the waves of pain won’t be as strong and there will be more calmness in-between waves.

My W dropped the bomb in April 06 and left in July 06. There were times last summer that I didn’t think I could go on, but I did and the world got brighter again. I still hold out hope that she will come back, but I’ve started living again and attempting to move on. There are days that I miss her so much I ache, but there are days I can see a happy future that doesn’t include her.

When the pain hits me I force myself to get out and active. I have become quite the runner and have found that feeling much better than 6 beers or sitting in my house staring at the walls pining for yesterday. When the pain of abstinence hits me…. (well I’ll save that one for another day) :0

I think you are doing really great and I’m pulling for you.

Jack

M – 43
WAS – 39
S – 10
D – 7
S – 4

Bomb – 4/06
Left – 7/06

Boston area