H is coming by today to get the kids. what do I do when he asks how I am? I know he will, he always does. I've started just saying, "fine" and trying to sound upbeat, even when I'm a heartbroken mess. is that right?
he keeps telling me how he is a mess and such. Is it okay that I've stopped asking? should I continue to ask? I don't really know how to respond to him when he says he's a mess, or not okay. Its frustrating to me because its his own doing...he had/is having the affair. he is choosing not to work on the marriage. he is choosing to continue to lie to me. He is choosing to blame me for everything and take no responsibility himself. So if he's not okay, look in the mirror buddy.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Do your best to stay upbeat. In fact instead of "fine" I'd say "Great!" and vaguely refer to some fun plans you have coming up (you have some, right?). Such as... "Great, can't wait to get out of town this weekend." Or "Great, so excited to catch up with old friends this weekend" or whatever fits. Don't make something up... but refer vaguely to something you're excited about.
When he says he's a mess, act like it's a coworker or neighbor or something. Be sympathetic, validate - "I'm sorry you're feeling that way" - don't offer suggestions or advice.
All the DR basics...
Good luck.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Also, Morgan, since you're new here...It's better to continue the same thread, rather than start a new one with each question. Much easier for people to follow your situation that way.
lol, my great plans this weekend pretty much consist of a date with his grandmother. he doesn't know it, actually, but I asked his grandmother to go to orchard house and out to lunch tomorrow...she is tickled and it really will be fun, but still, not exactly a rocking time now, is it? hehehe. at least next weekend I'm heading to NYC to meet up with some friends.
thank you, I'm going to remember your words and go with that.
can I just say I already love this forum and all of you? I love that I can ask questions and vent and that you all really understand. I've begun feeling like such a broken record, such a burden to the people I do share with IRL, that its refreshing to have a place to actually come.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Also, Morgan, since you're new here...It's better to continue the same thread, rather than start a new one with each question. Much easier for people to follow your situation that way.
gotcha. okay, will do. sorry, started a bunch of new ones. will continue off of this one, then. thanks!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
OK, so to answer your abstinence question--my advice is to exercise. Aerobic housecleaning if nothing else. Exercise will damp down those feelings, and have the added benefit of making you look your best when H comes around. Take up rollerblading or something.
OK, so to answer your abstinence question--my advice is to exercise. Aerobic housecleaning if nothing else. Exercise will damp down those feelings, and have the added benefit of making you look your best when H comes around. Take up rollerblading or something.
I do work out religiously, so that is something. sigh. not enough, but something. lol.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
well, he just left with the kids. My face literally aches from the perma grin I had on...hopefully it didn't look fake, I let my eyes get involved and such so don't think it did. I still want to huddle in the corner and cry now that he is gone...he, who was smiling for real and really happy for real.
sigh.
the funny thing is, he never asked how I was. I guess I looked okay enough or something. or maybe he's just too preoccupied with the fact that I'm going out with his grandmother, and now his mother, tomorrow. The thing that bugged me is that he said his ears will be burning, and I tried to blow that off and say, oh, we'll have other things to talk about (true, to a point, we're going to louisa may alcott's house, all of us are big fans of little women). He actually smirked and said, "oh, are you moving on to indifference already?"
ass.
but I didn't waver, I stayed strong, and I laughed a little and just said, "oh, just other things to talk about."
It just irks me. It irks me that he is let off the hook...that he can be guilt free now that I'm "happy" and "okay." But I'm going to stick to the book, I am.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
"Keep faking it until you make it" and he may appear happy but you'll find out he is not. He will crash and there will be times in the future that you feel a lot better and he realizes what a mess he has made of things and feel like crap.
How long have you been seperated? You must be in the Boston area.
"Keep faking it until you make it" and he may appear happy but you'll find out he is not. He will crash and there will be times in the future that you feel a lot better and he realizes what a mess he has made of things and feel like crap.
How long have you been seperated? You must be in the Boston area.
I know he's had moments when he is not happy, I've seen them, but somehow this seems different...he seems genuinely happy/relieved. and maybe he is. but maybe there is still a part of him that isn't.
we've been separated for about a month now. I asked him to move out so I could do some work on myself (I've been in counseling since I found out he was having an affair back in march) and so he could gain some clarity as to what he really wants (says he's in love with her, not with me, but isn't ready to end things with me). we set up groundrules, agreed to them, even though he wasn't happy about moving out. he ignored all the things we set up...I found out the affair has never really ended.
he's so taken by the OW, so bowled over by her. He especially loves that she gets a lot of attention from men when they go out. it all just hurts so much, I'm still partially in shock.
anyway, it just sucks. and I hope part of him is affected. I hope its all not just sunshine and roses for him. It feels like I'm the one stuck with all the crap.
and yeah, I am from the boston area. lots to do to keep busy, but hard to meet new people.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
