Another down night and morning on the rollercoaster. I'm trying to detach again and get the focus back on myself - which seems to be rapidly generating more and more distance between us. Wish I could even explain it but I can't - things just feel very, very off.
Still working on my goals from yesterday. Work got busy in the afternoon/early evening so I didn't get a lot done on them, but plan to get at least the written boundaries and the two appointments (MC and IC) done today.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Don't know if you recognize the new name (used to be Nick In Idaho), but I just wanted to stop in -- it has definitely been a while!
First, I just wanted to thank you so much for your early support and helping me to get the ball rolling with this whole DB thing. Don't know if it will save my M, even post-D, but it has definitely given me strength and allowed me to see I will be okay with or without my W. Again, thanks for helping me take flight!
In regard to your sitch, it seems like you're pretty much in the same place as your were several weeks ago. You're still piecing, but H continues to make choices (i.e. being in contact with PW outside the work environment) that cause backslides. Things are good, then H disrespects your established boundaries. However, it sounds like you're letting him know this more and more. Have you moved into the spare room yet, or did that idea never materialize? I personally think that this is an excellent idea, and it should really give H something tangible to help him reflect on.
Take care of yourself and stay strong in your resolve!
Hi there GD - thanks for posting!!! I had lost track of you. Just caught up on your thread and wow, you sound great. I'm glad you're doing so well.
Yeah you're right on - half the time I wonder if we're even piecing but I guess we are, just not very effectively.
I haven't "moved" because I decided to give myself some time to step back and think. Since we don't currently HAVE a spare bedroom, doing that would involve rearranging the house, buying furniture, etc. While I still think it might be a good idea, it's more drastic than just moving some clothes around and sleeping in another bed, so I decided to slooowww down before I do anything. I need to make sure I'm doing what's right for me, not just doing it as a reaction to H. If that makes any sense..
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
That makes sense. I hope H can figure out how important it is to respect the boundary with PW. It just breaks my heart to see you continuing to struggle on this issue with H. He is just a broken record with his excuse.
I'll try to stay on top of your thread from now on -- take care of yourself and good luck on successfully establishing that boundary!
Thinking about you, Nikki. I know the roller coaster you're talking about and the distance you're noticing between you as you detach. It can feel like a no-win situation, I know. Try to remember that you have to save yourself first though. It might help to put some emphasis on the "lovingly" part of detaching. Not to say you need to go out of your way for your H right now, but in order to TRULY detach we have to "let go" and that's hard to do if we aren't choosing to really "love" them and are instead putting our own R needs/wants before that. Hope that makes sense. You can empower yourself. Remind yourself you deserve to be loved. Try to set him free again. Here's a link you might like right now... http://www.coping.org/selfesteem/tools/letgo.htm
Good work with your goals. You are doing great. Keep focusing on loving YOU. You are loved! HUGS! f21
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
Oh, forgot to add... I don't think you should have to "move out". I'd ask him to sleep in another room before doing that. Too bad there is no other "bedroom", not your problem. Take your time, like you're doing. You're a smart gal.
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
I have been thinking about your sitch and forgive me please if I am stating the obvious. But it mirrors a lot of what happened after my W's first affair ( which is an interesting story in itself , No DB'ing , confrontations with OM , his wife finding out , me being locked out of our house etc etc ) . We got back together then and had a great Honeymoon period but W never recommitted to our M and that led to things slowly going down hill.
At present your H has not recommited. Hes doing enough to keep you on the hook but is still in contact with OW and treating you unfairly at the same time. I think this commitment part is critical if you want not only to save your M but to save it long term and have a better R / M .
How you get that committment is the bit I have not worked out.
I had a thought. So please anyone comment if it's a bad idea.
What if you wrote out boundaries that are for YOU, nothing pointing out H, and put them on the wall in the bedroom so that you see it every day.
If H asks about it, you can say it's a reminder not to step in front of the car.
just an idea that popped in my head.
Hope this week is going better for you. I understand how scary it may be to feel like H is distancing himself when your taking care of yourself more again and your hoping the opposite should be happening. Things do take time though. Continue with your goals you have set and then take another look at things. I know it would be so much easier to just keep going at the same pace and not having to figure things out or make goals or whatever, but life isn't about standing still and there's a difficult path in front of us, but thru struggles we become stronger, and you are definitely a strong fighter!
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
GD Broken record - you said it!! But it's my fault for continuing to listen, too, I guess.
f21 Thanks so much - you are so sweet. Yeah, does kinda feel "no win" right now, but I know I can turn that around for myself. Thanks for that link - very helpful stuff. Letting go was hard the first time and seems even harder now that I have a taste of what we used to be like together.
Good thoughts on the bedroom situation. I guess where I'm stuck is do I take the action and move myself out, or try to make him do so (thereby controlling him).. gotta think more on that one.
I'm glad I gave myself permission (and orders, really) to slow down. I've finally lost, at least for now, that sense of urgency and anxiousness that's been looming over my head lately.
Dave Wow. Sometimes stating the obvious is a darn good thing around here because what's obvious to you is completely NOT obvious to the person in the middle of it. I was just barely starting to think to myself "I feel he's just giving me just enough to keep me hanging on" and bam, read your post. Sometimes I feel like "Wow we are so great together" and others I feel like "he's doing the minimum to keep me around til he finds someone else.".. or even if not THAT extreme, he's sticking around because it's comfortable and easy but he's not really committed to fixing it or working with me to fix it. The commitment part - yep, that's what I should have gotten BEFORE he moved back in and didn't.
ST Thanks - yeah, it's way scary. Sometimes I wish I didn't love the man so much. It'd sure be easier. Course then again I wouldn't be bothering at all if I didn't, eh? I'm feeling stronger again finally, thankful for that.
I'd be curious to get other thoughts on the boundaries idea too. I did something similar to that awhile ago - Julie posted on her thread a bunch of things about ways to find love in the world (to help when you're feeling unloved). I printed it and posted it on the fridge while we were separated and read it every day. I did it for me, but others have seen it also of course. H asked about it several times - I just told him a friend sent it to me to remind me how to find love in the world. I still see him reading it once in awhile.
----------- Some general journaling...
I truly can't believe all the madness going on in our families right now, R/M related especially. Just a few snippets from this week alone:
- My dad confronted my stepmom (she moved out in February). He wanted details - why she left, where she's at now, whether there's any hope. In a nutshell I think they're pretty much done. But I am very impressed with her, she was very honest with him and gave him a detailed list of what broke down, when, how it happened, how she had tried to discuss it with him and how his actions had pushed her further away. It was the kind of openness and honesty that sooo many of us here would love to get from our WAS. When he asked if there was any chance she'd change her mind she said she didn't think it would be worth the emotional risk. They both agreed that my dad hasn't made the necessary changes, and she told him it would be hard to trust even if he did. It sounded to me like "there's hope but only if you get your life together and KEEP it that way for a good long time." She even said she has no intentions of filing anything til at least next year. But frankly, I don't know that my dad has it in him to do the work. I hope so.
- My SIL (H's sis) left her H a month or two ago. I've mentioned it before, but H talks a lot about how her sitch is "so bad" because she doesn't even like her H, can't stand to be around him, etc. He's been spending a lot of time with her, and now he's even trying to set her up to meet some of the guys he works with! Sheesh. Oh and yesterday I flipped the calendar to July and he immediately pointed out their anniversary on the calendar and said "Guess we can scratch THAT one off." Ouch. I try not to project any of it onto our sitch but it's hard not to.
- H's dad's long-time girlfriend confided in me a couple of weekends ago. You guessed it - she's having doubts and likely will be leaving H's dad. She talked a lot about why and how she's been thinking about what she wants from the next 10, 20 years of her life, etc. It was a little awkward but a great conversation - and it really got me thinking, too. But, I stupidly slipped the other day and said something about it. Nothing outright but just H mentioned doing something with his dad and it sounded like she had broken up with him, so I said that would be nice so he wasn't lonely or something like that. H really jumped on the comment - "What do you mean lonely? Why would he be lonely?" Ugh. I didn't give details, just said I had some concerns about their R because they seemed a little off last time we saw them. H freaked... "She's such an amazing lady, my dad better get his s**t together so he doesn't lose her.... he's going to end up alone because he's so stubborn..." etc. etc. Kept going on and on about it, it was kind of weird. I just listened. Another one that's hard not to project on our sitch.
- H's grandparents have been married twice. They married, D'd, married and D'd other people, and got remarried later. Now they're in their 80s and it sounds like are considering D again. Are you kidding me??? It makes me wonder if ANYONE in this family takes M seriously. H and I even discussed that concern before we got married (because of the long history of multiple Ds in his family).
Sheesh.
But in spite of all that - today was lots of fun so far, and looking forward to a good weekend ahead! Today I went out to lunch with some co-workers, which was great. Tomorrow night I have my little sis's dance recital, and Saturday a birthday party for one of the coworkers I had lunch with. Lots of old friends/coworkers I haven't seen in a long time will be there so I'm excited for that too. And I LOVE this girl, she's one of the most positive people I've ever known. Also recently D'd and a very, very strong woman. She talked a bit today about how she used to be "spineless" and unhappy and I could hardly believe it, she's just SUCH the opposite of that today. Not sure if she was the WAS or LBS but I do know she's a lot better off today. None of them know about my sitch and I like it that way - I don't want a bunch of sitch talk at work. But I do like getting other perspectives on different sitches, gives me food for thought.
Thank you again everyone for your support. Still working on slowwwing things down for myself so I can think straight, and will figure out the rest from there.
Last edited by NikkiB; 07/12/0711:10 PM.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Great to hear today was lots of FUN, Nikki! Sounds like you have some more great stuff this weekend planned. Glad you're taking your time to figure out you before reacting to H.
I know the roller coaster you're talking about and the distance you're noticing between you as you detach. It can feel like a no-win situation, I know. Try to remember that you have to save yourself first though. It might help to put some emphasis on the "lovingly" part of detaching. Not to say you need to go out of your way for your H right now, but in order to TRULY detach we have to "let go" and that's hard to do if we aren't choosing to really "love" them and are instead putting our own R needs/wants before that. Hope that makes sense. You can empower yourself. Remind yourself you deserve to be loved. Try to set him free again. Here's a link you might like right now... 