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Yoyo,

This is not something you need to worry about right now.

They have their whole lifetimes to figure out how to relate to their father.

It's their choice, isn't it? You can't contol their relationship to their father, can you?

You see...they are on your side. That's a good thing. If you want to help them adjust their attitude, you will end up encouraging them to be more forgiving and loving towards their dad. Imagine if they thought this was OK? You would feel betrayed by them, too. As it stands, your H is clearly in the wrong, and your daughters see it.

--Theoden

Hi Yoyo,

Just checking in on you. Thanks for checking in on me. I finally posted on my thread. I really appreciate you guys support. It is unreal the support that is given here.

You are going thru such a tough time in your life but we just have to have the confidence in ourselves that we can make it. Believe me I convience my self that I am strong and the next minute I am in tears. But we are given a choice and we have to take the high road and know we will survive and are going to be better people for it. They (H and OW) have taken the low road and hopefully in my spiteful little mind that I have that Frontier justice will happen to them and we will all feel better.

Better do some work. Hang in there and I am here for you. Keep up the GAL. We Will Make IT!!!! Have a good day.....

Theoden,
You are right that I shouldn't worry about their relationship with their father, but it's just that I'm a mother, can't help it. But as usual you are right. The main thing is that I have my daughters' love and I do. Youngest DD relies on me so much. Funny thing is I thought that once she started driving I wouldn't hardly see her, but she still wants Mom with her alot. Tonight she has 3 church softball games. I was going to meet a friend for dinner and then come to the last two. She was like Mom, you are going to make me go by myself? I said of course not, I'll be there. I'm so glad that both of my girls still want me to be such a big part of their lives. We know how teens can be.

Penny,
I agree with your feelings 100%. I couln't have expressed it better myself.


Thanks guys for the checking in and your input.

Kim

Hey yoyo,

Listen carefully to your D's. You have to learn to hear what they are not saying.
My W went to 1 not a typo that's ONE base ball game of my son's. A few times I had things that needed to get done and was going to just drop him off. I asked him if it was ok. His voice said yes but his eyes had the look of disapointment. The other things HAD to wait. I did not miss one game or practice. In fact I became the assistant coach because I was the only parent that showed up to every game and practice.

This is where I failed in my marriage. I would ask my wife things and she would say one thing but was hopping for something else. I cut the Mind reading class back in high school so I am not good at it.

Stay strong Yoyo. WE can't change what happened. It's over, it's history. Know your history or you will be doomed to repeat it.
You do have control of the future. Give me a bad situation and show you some good in it. I am great at doing this for other people. I have a hard time doing it to myself

Husband

Husband,
You sound a lot like me. I always put my children first. My feelings were that H was a big boy and he could take care of hisself. I know now that this was my shortcoming in my marriage. I needed to a good balance.



Aren't most of us like that? How does the saying go? You can't see the forest for the trees? Did I get that backwards? LOL
Seriously Husband you are such a all around great guy. Too bad your wife doesn't realize what she has. For her sake I hope she doesn't realize it to late. You are going to be fine, it will be her gigantic loss if she doesn't wake up!!!

(((Yoyo)))

I think the thing of it is--you still love him. I'm just hazarding a guess. I know that the worst of my interactions with my H occurred while he still had my respect, and all of my love.

Then I found his love letters, to and from his harem. I had only been trying to detach before. But now love was replaced by something like pity--real pity. Not the kind of pity you tell yourself you feel for someone in his craziness, while still desperately wanting him back. I was still jealous, still sad-- and he does still have the power to hurt me--but not as much. Because of that, we actually get along much better. H is starting to see the kids more often. He hears me when I talk.

The more you love and hope, the more vulnerable you are. And, if you do still love and hope, you can't really change that. Sometimes even the lousiest behavior will hardly even weaken the attachment of a faithful heart. You're not ready yet for these men who've taken an interest in you, but I love your daughters' matchmaking efforts. It just tickles me. Kids aren't always wrong: they're optimistic and looking to the future.

I just KNOW that you're going to come out of this beautifully. I can tell that you're strong and attractive. You're going to be BETTER off. Your capacity to love strongly is going to win you the happiness that you deserve.

Delia,
I do still love him, it's hard to turn off emotions for a man that you've been married to 21 years (anniversay 26th of this month) and with 25 years. My friend asked me last night if I still loved him, and tears started rolling down my face. I love the old H, I don't know who this new person is. My old H would never have hurt his family like this. The way he is now I will be so much better moving on and that's what I intend to do. From your post I take it that you and your H live separatedly, if so how long? How old are your kids. As you know mine are young adults, 16 & 19.

Kim

Yoyo--

My H has been living with his girlfriend since October, Friday the thirteenth. A date that will live... He had his own place for a while, but she stayed there. Now they've moved in together. He started D talk at about that same time. He and gf work together.

My feeling about this is--if it weren't her, it would be someone else. It's different for you, because your H has only had one affair(?) My husband, since discovering the "high" of affairs--probably about four or five years ago--has been compulsive, to say the least. I don't think that he feels good about himself. But I can't help him.

We have two daughters--one eleven, and one three. H filed for divorce recently, but I haven't done anything much about it. Every time there is a change in our sitch (such as D filed) I get frantic, but then I settle down again. The settling down process is getting quicker and quicker.

Detachment--even if you have to fake it--works like a charm. That's what I feel. It helps that my H has been such an extremist. It's hard to keep wanting someone who's made it so plain that he will never be faithful.

Delia,
We've been going through this about the same amount of time. My H moved out on Oct. 23. My H is "living" at his office, but he sneaks over to OW/his secretary's house after her 8 year old son is in bed and leaves early in the morning before he awakes. Wow, what a life!

I have pretty much realized I don't want him back. I have been told by a couple of people that this isn't his first affair. Who knows?

Our husbands are sick and we can't make them better all we can do is to make ourselves better and provide a good life for our daughters.

I too have my frantic moments and then settle down. I have found it's much easier not to have any contact with him. It's easy for me to do that since our girls are older. I know it's more difficult for you to have no contact since your girls are so young, but you seem to be handling everything well.

Thanks for sharing a little bit about yourself. Hang in there.

Kim

Yoyo,

You don't want who he is right now back: a selfish, philandering, egotist.

Maybe tell your daughter you will miss the first game. You can't subsume yourself in being the "vigilant mother."

I've heard alot about you talking to friends. Great.

But....

What is your GAL plan?

Something that will startle us.

Something that will surprise you.

Something that might, perhaps, have your husband come begging one day to be taken back. And of course, Yoyo, YOU get to choose. If he returns, he might be a new and better man. Or you may decide, it's time to end it. Either way you win.

OK -- I'm going to take a risk.

Take this with the best of intentions....

I'm eventually going to grow tired of your brave and self--sacrificing sweetness.

Trust, me I would fight a regiment of savages with a cutlass to be at your side -- you are a treasure. I'm not kidding. You are sublime and delightful and gracious and beautiful.

However....

I know that you will best heal by being a little crazy and somewhat adventurous. I would choose someone like you in a heartbeat. That's not the point, is it? You could have a dozen men proposing to you in the next 6-18 months.

As a friend, however, I need to be hard on you.

You will only heal by transcending yourself.

So -- what's Your GAL plan?

--Theoden