Not much time to post now; just leaving for j.j. (& H will be there again). Will explain more later, hopefully. But, Yeah - tho both are somewhat similar to DBing in many respects, DBing was what was working -for me; maybe not so much for H, our R & def. not for our M. But it got me to Detached (which is what H couldn't stand and fueled his anger), but I realized I backslid on the Basics -- GALing w/o being mysterious; 180's mostly checking to see what H's reaction would be; and, uh, way too many Talks. Even the ones started by H & where I didn't much respond/react should not have happened. So back to tweaking the Basics the right way. The marathon is still on.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
Journaling (and noting that H cannot stay away from me) . . .
Took kids to jiu jitsu class this eve. Knew H would be there as S called him to say all j.j. gear was left at H's apt, & H said he would be helping coach the kids' class & would bring S's stuff.
Got to class, but H hadn't arrived yet. Apparently, w/i minutes of us leaving the house, H was there to put his boat back into the garage. I'm on my cell on the sidewalk in front of the studio w/Friend-A when I see H reflected in the glass store front walking towards me. Keeping my back to H, Actress Still throws a little giggle girl-expressive-talk (I think I said, "No! I said I can't!" or something along those lines) when H was in earshot and, when he was passing me & I "just" noticed him I bit off my laugh & got totally quiet until he was through the door. LOL.
During class, I played w/D on my lap (She pretends to give me a make-over) & at one point, H comes up behind her & steals her away from me for a hug & kiss. I look calmly away. H asks D, "What are you doing?" & she says "Telling mommy we went to the mall & you bought me these clothes." (which she had been - only she also said that Miss Andrea went, too) and H narrows his eyes at her (mock anger?) in an obvious 'You're not supposed to talk about that' look. I catch his look & look away again. H is trying to catch my eye and I avoid. Then he says, "I had to go into the house." something about needing to get the key to the neighbor's car I've let park in our drive for the past few days, so he could move it & get his boat in the garage. I shrugged a shoulder & didn't meet his eyes.
I also noticed him watching me (sometimes thru the mirror) on & off during S's class while I talked with another mom who I just made friends w/ (In fact she & her S are coming over for playdate/lunch after Sat. morning's j.j. class). I told her our sitch & turns out she's been M'd 25 yrs, but not w/o issues, and was very supportive of my "do anything/Go down w/the Ship" plan. Nice woman & good to hear support from a civillian.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
I like the idea of going dark -- not mean, but dark. Be short, level, etc, when conversing, and leave it at that. I think H needs to see indifference from you when communicating, but you GALing like no other at all other times. Try to look your absolute best when you know he'll be around you, and show him detachment like he's never seen -- I've begun to think that all of this is exactly what men (esp) need to experience the most to see what their missing.
Still-- Sorry I have been away so long--I missed the drop in your coaster ride, but it seems that you are ratcheting your way back up :0) Hang in there, and let us know your back-to-basics steps as you do them--we can all use the first-person refresher course.
Good to see the lift in spirits. Keep on doing stuff for you , I know I must sound like a broken record with this line but what are you goals for yourself that can be achieved regardless of H ? Spend quality time with your kids , they will grow up too fast.
Dave, thanks for the reminder. I wasn't at a 'thinking about my goals' place the other day when you first asked but meant to get back to it when I could.
So, here's a list w/some examples of the steps done so far. . .
Still's Goals to Make Herself a Happier, Healthier, Better Person: 1) Spend more play-time w/kids -D & I do lots of girlie things daily (yest. I let her use her new nailpolishing kit on me, complete w/tiny stickers on my thumbs. It looks a wreck, but she was so thrilled. Even game me a "Free Nales" coupon to get another manicure done. Talked to S yest. about what we could do together (He's at the electronics-stage mostly) & last night let him (try to - lol) teach me how to play his Nintendo64 Pokemon game. He was so pleased w/himself & so cmoplimentary of my efforts. 2) Pursue Pilates-teaching career -Still in progress, and getting there w/additional clients, networking, plans. . . 3) Enlarge my circle of friends -Every day I consciously make an effort to be less "in myself" and more, at the least, casual comments/talk w/strangers & acquaintances. I often call & make lunch plans w/other friends, and am on the phone 100% more than I ever was Before. . . 4) Continue Pilates myself, plus incorporate more other/aerobic type classes 5) Be more spontaneous & less rigid -Uh, my drop everything & fly to Bahamas trip? Also other trip planned for later in the month to visit my friend Sunny. . . -Let the housework be, and do something for me (or do nothing) 6) Take time to recognize the beauty of the clouds, lay by the pool & Not Think, contemplate the Life I Want for Me. . . 7) Be more pro-active in taking care of the Necessaries in my Life -Researched around & then got my tires replaced recently -Planted flowers in the front garden as I always wanted to do, and have been watching, pruning & caring for them -Saw a L to get info about my rights, obligations, responsibilities, expectations -Made dr appt & got rx for thyroid issue that I never knew existed 8) Devote much more time & effort into making, building, nurturing & maintaining friendships -check!
And, OT, No, no brat. (Tho some would disagree ) It just seems appropriate b/c the "regular" people I talk to (non DB/bb, & those who have not been in my [current] shoes) just don't get it. I've talked with so many people who offer their opinion & advice & attitude -- all from a never-having-been-there position, or even from a I've-been-there-but-didn't-learan-a-dang-thing-from-it basis. . .I thought it was like trying to describe being in the trenches to civillians. It so complicated, and so far beyond what the normal/civillian person can comprehend - or even WANTS to understand, that it's mostly a waste of time & energy to try.
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
Me: 45 - WAH: 36 S8; D6 M: 11 yrs 07/06 Initial Bomb 10/06; D Bomb 11/06 - DBing begun 1/5/07 - H moved out 03/16/07 To date: No papers filed; H not seen a L; trying to convince me to MUTUALLY file for D
Ah, just wondering. Brats often have an over-developed sense of loyalty to the point it is non-functional. Something for DBing brats to keep in mind...
Lyrael, to answer you about H dropping by to wash his hands, etc. . . .Tho H moved into an apt literally 5 min. away across the street & took everything that was his (except his bbq thingie), we agreed he could keep his boat in our garage (plus all other misc garage stuff like air compressors, tool chests, etc). In exchange, he offered to maintain the lawn (since then indicating that I was NOT to use the riding mower for so as not to tear up the lawn which he would have to pay to repair/replace - more control issues) and my car. This is only going on so long as we are S, and have no formal S Agreement; and we both can change this at any time.
I get so many different things from his choice of apartment location. He's kept a place in your house by keeping his manstuff in the garage, but whether this is because he wants to continue to assert his dominance over you, or because he isn't sure that he definitely wants this...Because he has control issues, it's hard to say whether him stopping by is a positive, or just him keeping watch over his territory.
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Anyway, b/c of this and b/c of the constant kid-sharing and b/c H - for wahtever reasons - feels the need, he stops by (yeah, w/o calling - tho that's apparently changed now). He also makes frequent and frequently-unnecessary phone calls to me/house.
I think this is either him wanting you in some way in his life, or him checking up on you - he strikes me as being a little insecure in some ways? Let me know if that's off the mark.
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If the kids are home, I get them to answer, and most times he declines talking to me when the kids ask. Sometimes he'll tell me "non-things" like 'I paid the bills, but there's no extra money for emergencies' or 'What time did you say X was?' or 'What size shoe does D wear?' (for the 3rd time).
This sounds like he just wants an excuse to hear your voice, but he is too stubborn to admit it, possibly even to himself.
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My plan is to now be behind closed doors for the most part if/when he's here, or leave entirely.
It will be interesting to see how he reacts to this. Are you planning on doing this so he doesn't have the chance to spew ugly things, or do you just want to see what he does?
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This is my thought, too, but oh it's so hard to remember "in the moment". But thanks for the reminder.
No problem. Please don't think I always remembered, especially when my H was being a jerk. I did my share of yelling, un-DB R-talks, etc. We're all human, and you are trying your darndest to be nice to the man, even though he is being, well, a butthead.
One moment of patience may ward off great disaster. One moment of impatience may ruin a whole life.
) It just seems appropriate b/c the "regular" people I talk to (non DB/bb, & those who have not been in my [current] shoes) just don't get it. I've talked with so many people who offer their opinion & advice & attitude -- all from a never-having-been-there position, or even from a I've-been-there-but-didn't-learan-a-dang-thing-from-it basis. . .I thought it was like trying to describe being in the trenches to civillians. It so complicated, and so far beyond what the normal/civillian person can comprehend - or even WANTS to understand, that it's mostly a waste of time & energy to try.