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RJ , j , Donna

Thanks for your inputs , I liked the playground analogy.

Last night I phone home from work just to let W know that I would be home ( was a possibility of needing to go out of town ). I could tell she was upset by her voice. When I got home she was distant and unhappy , drinking as well.
She has been drinking most nights , not a lot but 3 or 4 I guess to take the edge off.
I stayed upbeat and happy through the evening and W was quiet.

I was tired so went to bed at same time as W , after a while when I was almost asleep W asks "what if I was to take D with me ?" I asked have you decided to take that place?
W "thats not what I asked"
M " sorry I was half asleep "
W " will you make it difficult for me "
M "not at all , but remember D has not had 6 mths to get used to this idea so lets be carefull how we deal with this"

In the end we discussed W moving and having D on "visits" so that D still retained a link to home for a start , not changing school etc.

Then

W " it would be better if you left "
M " I have thought about it "
W " Well "
M " Its not me that wants out "
W " What about your mates that have left home "
M " thats because they have wanted out to chase other R's "
W " thats not fair"
M " The door is wide open for you , I can no more make you stay against your will than you should make me leave against mine.
"
W "I am angry now , you should leave me alone"

Which I did.

Thats a slightly shortened version of the conversation, I know you are supposed to agree with everything but there is no way I was going to give any indication that I would move and that shut the conversation down.

I dont know if I am doing the right thing here by not agreeing to move as I dont want to disrupt D's life.

(((Dave)))

I think you handled this well, and did the right thing and are maintaining your consistent position in all this... you didn't take the bait; gave her nothing to rage against. Your W seems so conflicted, and so desperately unhappy with herself right now.

I'm thinking of you...

L

Thanks (((L)))
A friend told me yesterday that I need to be the rock , the anchor for my family . The Kids need to have that stable influence no matter what W gets up to.

Oh yes she is a mess right now , I wonder if there has been another lovers tiff as well , just got that feeling.
Perhaps paradise doesnt look as good in reality.

You know what its like when you are looking to buy something , you see it in the shop , its expensive but you need to have it , You get single minded about how to get it , make sacrifices to get it , you dream about how wonderful it will be to own it.
So you buy it against your own better judgement because your emotions are in control.
But when you get it home it has some features that are different to what you are used to , it just dosn't seem to fit as well as it did in the shop , the gloss wears off. A couple of months later its just another Car/ appliance / pair of shoes etc.

Dave

Good analogy Dave,

I think that's one of the reasons A's typically don't last.

You did a great job w/the talk. Held your ground, but maintained your emotions in a positive/non-combative way.

She's spinning right now & grasping for a way out of the pain.

Hang in there!!

Sunny

PS)3-4 drinks & I'd be on the floor, guess I'm a wimpy one w/ my glass or 2 of wine ;-/

Hey Dave. Caught up on this thread! You handled the moving out talk perfectly, IMO, for what its worth.

Later,
Nomopo

(((sunny)))

I think you are right , I have given her what she was wanting and it has not helped her pain.

Thanks Nomopo for the support.

Having had time to think about this W realy doesn't want to go but has painted herself into a corner so a last ditch effort was to see if she could get me to go so. Now if I was unhappy and saw her as the source of that unhappyness I may have bought into that. But I am not unhappy any more. I have learned through this process that happyness comes from within.
Right now she is unhappy and has seen me as the cause so she wants to get rid of me so she can be happy. What she has not realised is that I am so far out of her life now I cant realy have a lot of influence on how she feels. OM will give her temporary respite but it dosn't last.

I have taken next week off work as its school holidays and it will be the perfect opportunity for her to move out and set up her apartment. W has the following week off so she can have D for that week with her and from there work together with whats best for D. The Boys will stay with me as they do thier own thing these days anyway.

So now is the time for W , she has the place , the opportunity and I have paved the way. Will she take it ?

Dave

Dave,
First of all, I think you showed incredible restraint. When W started going down this path, I was much more blunt and said something like "This is my house and I am staying here. You are welcome to stay as well, but not while carrying on an A in front of me and the kids."

Note that she is still here!



Keep making what you want easy to do and what you don't want MUCH harder to do. This means:

1. Do NOT let it look like it is a mutual decision to separate. This is the first step in assuaging their guilt. If they have to admit to themselves and the world that it is all their decision to destroy the family, it is VERY VERY HARD.

2. Do NOT move out. I repeat do NOT move out. Again, what could make things easier for her.

3. Be the rock. This means, no pursuing but also at the same time being there for the kids and ALWAYS having a PMA around your WAW.

Take Care,
SD

Thanks SD



She knows and I have told her that I think it is not a good idea however will not stand in her way.

It has been said before with many other threads, but some of the things mentioned here are very eerie with regards to my own R. I follow with a lot of hope (for both our Rs) and interest.

Hope you don't mind, but I have posted a link direct to this in my own, plus a direct link to the article that was provided by stillme.

Dave--
I agree that you handled the convo very well. And that you didn't by into her anger. I am actually writing down the words that you used the next time H tells me that "it would be better" if I moved out!
I have been pretty emphatic about me NOT leaving, so hope it won't come up again.

You know that her head is in a tailspin...my friend keeps pointing out to me--who would you rather be right now? The LBS, in pain...or the WAS, out of control, confused, torn, judged by others, and still in pain?

{{{Dave}}}