Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE I feel like we're back to where we were!

What is it with you women always feeling degraded at the drop of a hat?

It's not about you. Really. If he stopped looking at you and touching you and so forth, that might be about you. But him looking at other women is not about you. Most of us look; some of us hide it better than others. Doesn't mean we'd do anything with them even if we thought we could get away with it; we just like to look at a wide variety of different people.

Tired...it's human nature to "look" at others. You look too, even though you may not realize it...or perhaps you don't do it as obviously as he does, but even you will notice a good looking man, or a man who is built in a manner that you like....we all do it. It has NOTHING to do with how attractive he finds you (and I'm sure he does), it has to do with human nature; it's part of the human animal that we are, male/female alike.

Looking at another human being can be no different than appreciating a beautiful piece of artwork. It's nice, you enjoy looking at it...but do you really want to take it home? No Just because you look at something pretty doesn't mean you WANT that something pretty. It doesn't devalue you either.

Now, if he were ogling women, leering at them, giving them the serious once over while you were sitting there, or going up and talking to them...THAT would be different in my opinion because THAT's a respect issue...THAT would be disrespectful to do in front of you. However just looking at something/someone that looks nice...and appreciating that for what it is? There's nothing wrong with that.

If men/women didn't look at other people we'd be droids.

Ok I guess I should have elaborate a little more myself. My H is Extremely friendly, and will got up to anyone and talk to them, women included. I've learned to deal with it b/c frankly it gets annoying. So I have dealt with this behavior for a long time, it just gets old after awhile. I get the whole "everyone looks" thing, I just don't and I guess that's why I don't understand it.

Oh and crazy eddie.. well mister I don't have a thing about being degraded. and I don't feel that way on a drop of a hat. Only because of my past problems with H.. (internet porn, and him posting a naked pic of himself on there on an adult site) yes I am aloud to feel a little insecure despite what I have been through with him.

Thanks Karen, I wish I had more time to do something for myself, but with two small children its hard. Not an excuse, but they are two very demanding little boys (one is 4 the other is 20mos) hopefully once the older one starts school I can have some little time for myself.

If I can watch my favorite show.. Ghosthunters once a week is great.. but that's all I get for now.

Anyway my point is, when he is with me I would like it if he paid the attention to me instead of the girl walking down the street!

Does your hubby still use internet porn?

no, not anymore. He said he did it because He wasn't getting any attention from me.. He's never home to even go on the internet and if he was I would know..

TAL
There is a big difference between a casual double take at a pretty girl and an obvious stare or leer. A friend of my H's visited us while we were living in the Middle East and he was so ignorant the way he eyed the girls that my SON called him up on it. He tried to say there was nothing wrong with looking but he did it one time and told him the way he was looking a young girl up and down could end up him going to jail if she complained about him. If he did this while with his wife at home I would find it totaly unacceptable.

When I occasionally see my own H check someone out I tease him with a she was nice and we laugh.
If your H is chatting girls up at the same time as eyeing them up it will make you feel a bit insecure but doesn't mean he finds them more attractive than you.

If your H is working all the time and you have 2 young kids it is a tough period and very tiring for both of you. I know finance doesn't always allow it but even getting some help around the house one day a week can make life easier for you. Arrange a babysitter for one night at the weekend and this can help reconnect having some adult time. Its easy to forget you were a couple first once kids are in the picture.

Can see how easily resentments build up for both people. Him feeling rejected and you feeling he doesn't do anything to help.
Plus the looking on the internet is a big insecurity for you.

shmagic

TAL,

You MUST carve out something for yourself. I have four biological kids too - 3mos, 3yo, 10yo and 15yo. I am Godmother to three under 3 and foster Mom to 16 adults ranging in age from 19 to 29. I am not superhuman and I'm not unusual. I have been raising children of all levels of need for 15 years. I don't get a lot of time to myself but I get some. When I get more I do better. I am more sure of myself, happier, feel more valued etc... DO ANYTHING that you can work out - join a gym with childcare (the hour three times/week won't kill your kids), YMCA's are usually nice, join MOPS (this is a Christian group for Moms of preschoolers - it is international), find a Women's Coalition to join, a bookclub, leisure classes at your community college. Whatever. Take a class on-line and make your H watch the kids so you can do the homework.

I'm not saying that your H doesn't have issues but when you don't see yourself as important, your spouse has trouble doing so (I know. I lived it.). You may have sexual issues in the M and doing stuff for you won't fix them but they will do a lot for your enjoyment of your life and your own self respect.

Have you read Michelle's books? Have you looked at the 180's threads? Have you made a list that you are working on?

Karen

Thanks Karen, Boy you have your hands full! Between helping with the business and the kids and trying to take care of my house it does get overwhelming.

I haven't read any of her books yet, But plan too.

Some days are better than others, the kids are sick right now and so am I, so I will have to work on that next week.

No I haven't made a list either,but will. Thanks for the input

TAL,

I'm right there with you and I don't know a woman who isn't. I was a stay at home Mom for 10 years and I was no less busy then. Now I get paid for my work and in a lot of ways it is easier (so I treat my Daycare provider very well). I'm sorry your family is sick. When everyone is better take an honest look at your priorities and make sure you include yourself in them. I don't know where you live but I just checked out this website for a future weekend trip with my best friend (after baby is weaned) - look at it for inspiration.

http://www.kripalu.org

Also, read some of the Mama Gena series of books - they are fun to read and have some good ideas.

Karen

Hey tal,

I found you, I was not ignoring you. I had to go to work. You are welcome to join in on my tread anytime. I have read your tread. 2 to 3 times a week? My wife had found an excuse that has lasted the last year. I would have been happy at once a month. And I do most of the house work.

Husband