Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives CVA - Thread 2, Hold mode

Thanks Nomo for time during Sushi, you sound like you have that a lot!

On the "guessing" part, just guessing she said "I dont know if it will last" in a positive manner or an I dont care manner.

Counselor - Houston Center for Christian Counseling in Sugar Land. Decent guy, former pastor, not sure I would categorize him as "solutions based", believes in M and believes my W has best shot at being "fulfilled" by staying in M w/ me. He has not read DB or DR, although when I asked him he seems to agree with the principals as long as it does not promise a solution.

I am not taking this too hard really. I do want to go over. It has actually been very pleasant and generally upbeat at home the past 2 wks w/ wife and kids. A lot of discussion lately about disciplining our kids, me recognizing I had not done a great job of that and an analogy last night for her that showed I recognized my controlling behavior (her perception, we need to talk about that) as it related to her friends.

Talk to you later, have a good day.
CVA

WAW, thanks, saw your post right after hitting send to Nomo.
Thanks for support here. Means a lot.

My take on it lately is really she is just in "waiting to see mode" on me and wondering at the same time if she, even if I change, wants me in her life.

I am willing to do my piece which is all that I can do.

You seem to have so many insights into this stuff. One item I did not talk about was she keeps bringing up my control issue.

- She goes out w/ a group who dress very provocatively. I have objected to this by my complaing at the end of the night and asking questions about what so and so was wearing.
- She does not call me, unless I have specifically asked her to, to tell me at least when she has left so I know she is safe.

I seem to have a big problem with this stuff as I worry my W will drink too much and drive home or in a pkg lot going to her car (very nice SUV, I will leave it at that) and someone basically assaults her. She it tiny, 2 drinks and thats pretty much it. This goes way way back to seeing her get drunk 1 time at a wedding an making a fool out of herself and not listening to me at all, which she still brings up.

I am sure most of this is insecure CVA speaking. She takes all of this as controlling (i) what she wears, all I want is for her to say "honey, is this too much" or just actually care that I say it is too much. There is a difference between cleavage and boob! dont you think? and (ii) controlling who her frineds are! BS, I would expect that if I were hanging around a bunch of superficial jerk-offs who wanted to drink and get noticed by women (i.e. the clothse part on her side) that she would say, "honey, I am not sure I approve..." and I would have to respect her wishes as someone who is concerened.

Every move I make now seems to fall into the controlling camp, any light shed here would definitely help.


CVA

CVA --

Was reading your post, and this jumped out at me
i can understand that your intentions are well-meaning concern for your W's safety and well-being, but i can really see how she would take this as controlling behavior. Unless she is a real boob (pun intended ) , she knows what's she's doing, and right now she doesn't want your input/opinion about it. The only thing i would draw a line on is if she has a habit of drunk-driving...but your post makes it sound more like it's a fear of yours than a reality.

Would it be a big 180 for your to just wish her happy good evening and leave it at that, regardless of how much you want to say something about her outfit, her drinking, her calling you, etc. If so, that might well get a more positive reaction from her. I know it would be hard, but it's worth a try.

Just my $.02

L

Excellent post L. I agree!



It is controlling. Are you focused on you or her? Is she your child or an adult? Is she capable of making decisions like this on her own (regardless if they are the decisions you would prefer)?



And then she would be attempting to control you. This is not about fair. Two wrongs don't make a right. This is about what you have been doing, and what you can do differently to get a different result in your R.

Hope it helps,
Nomo

L
Yep, this came up in our last Separation and for a while she would (i) ask me if what she was wearing was Ok and (ii) call, then it stopped, so I started in again!

So here we are, I have NO thoughts about ability to control, so yes, the last time she went out I did exactly what you propose and it went fine but she has brought it up w/BFF and CVA's C!

OK, so 1 time does not make a difference and I think that is the thing. She is waiting to see how I will do time and time again, my question now is will it matter? I hope so.

BTW, while I was in a neck brace (poor me syndrome) her friends wanted to go out and said stuff in emails like "cant you get a sitter to help CVA with the kids? we really want to see you..."

She replies with, "I cant go, if I went I would be the worst wife on the planet!" this is about 1 month before she dropped the bomb!

Thoughts?

Got it Nomo
OK, it is controlling, I get it. Yes she is an adult, apparently I am not.

CVA

CVA --

I think that's exactly right. As to whether it will matter? I hope so for you, too. But in truth, it has to be about you... this is a behavior that you should (IMHO) want to change for you...and with any luck, it may have an impact on your W as well.

As for your W's comment, i doubt she views herself as a "worst W". She probably really wanted to help... I don't know whether you've read or thought about the 5LL, but do you know if any of your W's might be acts of service?

L

Sorry buddy. Too harsh?



Yes, you have to demonstrate the change consistently at time. And I think it will matter. You can't be sure, but I think it will. And even if it doesn't, isn't this a change you want to make for you anyway? You'll be a better man for your next R, with your W or someone else.

Nomo

CVA,

Don't be hard on yourself. You are insecure about W looking good and getting hit on by some hunk of a man that sweeps her off her feet -- no? I can relate because I've been there too (still kind of there, but working on it). Having the security and self-confidence to say, "Damn honey! You look slammin' hot in the dress!" (or something along those lines ) and then with an upbeat tone say "Have a great time with the girls," you are exhibiting a behavior that would be attractive and appreciative to your W. She likely just wants to go out and be noticed -- that's all.

I once heard Michael Irvin (you know, the ex Cowboy wide receiver) say that "When you look good you feel good." That's all it is about regarding your W IMO. Every Monday night I go out dancing from 8 to midnight. I make sure I'm dressed to impress, that I smell damn good, and have an air of confidence about me. I dance with so many different women it's insane. I socialize with them and thoroughly enjoy myself (all of this formerly out of my comfort zone). Have I been hit on -- sure. Have they been good looking women -- absolutely. Could I date any of them -- definitely. Do I initiate anything that would lead to that -- no way. That is not my goal. That's not what I'm there to do. I'm there to enjoy the hell out of myself, dance my arse off, and feel great about myself as I do it. My point here is that it's great to get noticed (great for the PMA), but that doesn't mean I'm looking for anything more than that. I'm sure your W feels the same way.

Don't know if this makes you feel any better, but my suggestion would be to tell her how great she looks, to have a great evening, and never say another word about. Don't ask about it (aside from "did you have fun with the girls?"), don't seem jealous or worried about, and don't dwell on it. You can't control it, and trying to would do more pushing to what you are worried about than sitting back and playing Mr. Confident.

Can we get a woman's perspective here please?

GD

L is a woman! And she agrees with us men! First time in history men and women have agreed!