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GD,

I agree with what is stated above. Keep it upbeat, don't say ever. I think it will let her know that you are there for her, this makes two in a row, an attempt to dismiss the divorce and now this. I just think you can't go wrong as long as you stick to what your planning.

Good Luck!

Morning GD,

I just know I'm going to get a nice long post together, only to have it locked when I try to submit.

I'll wait for this one to lock up. Hopefully it's not like the monster thread that Nomopo's turned into w/, I think 146 posts before locking!

Hang in there Handsome,

Cupcake

Thanks sunny and Atlas!

sunny,



You're so sweet, sunny (((W&S)))! I seriously don't know where you guys get all of this, but thanks so much for the vote of confidence and boost of self esteem -- lord knows I need it! Your comments actually gave me a boost for last night (more on that below). And you might not be that different from other women, but apparently my W is! I wonder what equals GD's W Catcher...?

Atlas,



I don't know about that, but I know it can't hurt to try. You right on the upbeat part too -- if I'm going to throw caution into the wind and approach W with a talk about reconciliation somewhere down the road with a clean slate, no strings, and all of that, I'm going to have to do it with great confidence. I'm going to have to say it with a twinkle in my eye, and look so deep into her eyes that I can see her soul and she can see mine. I can't half-a$$ it, for sure. It'll be crunch time and I've got to be calm and collected in the clutch (what an alliteration!). Thanks for the vote of confidence, Atlas -- we'll see how it goes...

Journaling,

Last night around 6:00 my friend and his fiance (W's friend and coworker) called me to see if I wanted to got to the movies with them. I said sure, and before they showed up at my house I cleaned up and made sure I was looking my best. I've decided that anytime I'm around people who associate with W, I'm going to be on top of my game and try to be as confident, humorous, witty and charming (thanks sunny!) as possible. This seemed to work out real well last week when the 3 of us went out for dinner (remember that post?) as friend's fiance and I got along real well (for a change) and she made some comments about how good I'm looking.

So, we went to the movies (Shrek the Third, which I'd seen with my kids but they hadn't yet) and had a blast. I didn't like it so much the first time, but seeing it with adult friends can sure change things!

After the movie we came back to my place and decided to play some croquet. I again was polite to the fiance and asked about her, complimented her on her attire, etc. As we played I also fudged the rules for her if she missed a wicket here and there (she's horrible at croquet!), and would say "that went in!" even though we all knew it didn't. She seemed to appreciate this. I was definitely on my A game again, and it felt so good. I knew I was exuting some serious confidence (not in a cocky way though -- I have a hard time being cocky, which is a good thing I think).

After it got too dark to play and they had to leave, we went inside and BS'd for a few minutes. During this time, friend's fiance again commented on how I was looking, saying "Wow GD, you are really filling out. You look good!" I was cool about it and just smiled and said "Thanks." Then I joked around a little and flexed a bicep. Fiance was like, "Wow! Do you mind if I feel it?" "No, go ahead." "Dang! (looking at my friend) It's even harder than yours, honey!" (my friend is a construction worker and has always been really toned). Some more talk about it took place and it ended with fiancee saying, "I don't think I've ever seen you in this good a' shape! This is probably the best shape you've been in since High School, huh?" I said "Yeah, probably." Then we wrapped things up and I walked them to the door, thanked them for the evening and said goodnight.

Again, I never brought W up during the night, which I was happy about. Fiancee did once regarding something that had recently happened, and when she apologized for bringing her up I just said with more or less indifference mixed with an upbeat tone, "that's okay -- don't worry about it." That was all the W talk for the night.

So, overall a very good night. Having W's friend bring up all of that stuff about my physique again (2 for 2 now) has been like gold for me! Being the gossiper she is, I'm sure she'll mention it at some point to W, and possibly even to other coworkers who know me. The word will get out, and W will hopefully be thinking about it and checking me out more and more as we exchange the kids and such. Couple this with my compliments and pleasantries to friend's fiance, and I think I'm on a roll. It may take some time -- even post-D -- but I'm will to continue sowing the seeds of doubt in any and all ways I can.

I think that I'm going to invite them to my Lindy Hop dance night on Monday so they can a)begin learning it, and b) see me burn up the dance floor! Being that I've never danced during my R/M with W and that she loves to dance, this should again get back to W. I've been getting really good, and finally ready to let it get back to W.

Thanks for trudging through my post -- still working on my problem with being so meticulous (it's a disease, but I'm not sure if it's curable yet)!

GD

Hey love,

I suppose I can wait until this thread locks, but the suspense might just kill me . Are you sure you can live with that?

GD

P.S. I've got a DB coaching session today in about 30 min, so I'm going to prep for that now, and after the session I'll get back to everyone and check in with you all.

GD,

I like it, but remember let her see your soul. Once she sees that her heart will open and be touched. Then the seed is planted.

Love the looking good idea, that has helped me a lot. New clothes, dew, changes that make them go hmmm? Nice work on the keeping yourself in shape.

No mention of her, that is good. I like how friends fiancée brought her up, I think sometimes the mutual friends are testing the waters. When you respond like that, they start to think you’re the cool calm collected person, what is WAW talking about?

Good luck on the coaching!

Your friend ok with his fiancee fawning all over you?

Let us know how the coaching went!

Thanks Atlas and Nomo,

Atlas,



I totally agree. Even if she doesn't act on it, the sincerity will be there and she won't be able to deny it or forget about it (and that seed will grow...).



Thanks! I've been working damn hard on it too (and it seems to be indirectly paying off!). I also considered changing the dew a little bit by putting in some blonde highlights, but am not sure if that is in style anymore (I'd like some opinions of the feminine persuasion...).



I agree that she could be testing the waters, but can't be sure at all here so I'm not analyzing it too much (isn't everyone proud of me!). It is good for W's friend to see me so lax, because up until about 2 months ago I was a sad, heartbroken, pitiful guy. The 180 has to be speaking volumes here alone!

Nomes,


LOL! Yeah, it's cool -- they have a pretty comfortable R. He knows there is no harm to it. She fawns over him ALL the time (I'm just in better shape now! ). He did get a little butt-hurt when she commented my muscles were bigger and harder than his now though. He said, "That's because he works out everyday," but it's actually only 3-4 days .

Sure feels good being noticed, esp by a good friend of my W's and some of her coworkers!

I'll post about the coaching session sometime later. I'm going to be trying to get a few things done here in a little bit.

Thanks for checking in!

GD

Well, the coaching sesh went pretty good. It had been about 6 weeks since my last one, so there was quite a bit of catching up to do (I'll definitely keep the sesh's closer together in the future). Basically, coach said I'd DB'd very well, and that keeping my cool whenever W brought OM to events both announced and unannounced (including to pick up the kids once) was great stuff. It showed W that I was strong and respectful to her, and that I could change behaviors indicative of the old GD. She agreed that I should say something to W about the possibility of putting a hold on the D as D day draws nearer. However, she felt that I should avoid saying anything about "the R with OM not panning out." She also felt that I should add something along the lines of "You know the door is still open a little, and no one else has my heart right now (the rest is my addition to it -- haven't kicked it around with coach or anyone else yet):

"I'd like to give us another chance to work things out with a clean slate, and go nice and slow with no expectations and strings attached. If it doesn't work then we can always follow through with the D at that time. I was a fool to file in the first place and I never wanted this D. I understand that you very well might, but I'd like you to consider saving this M one last time, because I think we can. I know I've made a lot of mistakes over the years, and I can never take them back. However, I have finally owned them and released them. They are the past and I've made a choice to leave them in the past. I've made a choice to leave all of the bad times in the past and to forgive, because that is the only way to move on and have a healthy life and R. It took some time, but I finally realize that I will be okay, with or without you. However, I prefer it to be with you. You've helped me to see what I'm in serious jeopardy of losing, and I don't want that. I'd like us to start over, W, and to do so as equals. I know we can do it right if we give it a second chance."

Okay, this is more or less what I was thinking -- any opinions and/or constructive criticism? It might be too long, and then again there might be more that I want to say but haven't figured out how to do so. Also, I'd like some opinions on when and where I should bring this up -- should I ask her to meet me for coffee, or to sit and talk to me when she arrives to pick up the kids, etc? What would be an opportune time for this?

DB coach also suggested mentioning to W at some point during this conversation about reconciliation (maybe if/when W declines the idea of giving our M another chance) what I appreciate, admire, and respect about her, especially in relationship to the hardships endured with me (our hard times), and how I will never forget that about her. Also, she said I should state that I will never talk ill about our M, and I will always say when talking about it that we both learned a lot about ourselves throughout the M, and it has made us better people in the grand scheme of things and better prepared to have a healthier R/M in the future.

Takes on all of this?

Finally, coach said that attempting to meet W's PLL of WOA should be okay but that I should do so in moderation (as we all know).

She also put in perspective that, in the long run, W will have a difficult time staying in a R with OM. He brings his own baggage to the table, and R's that begin when one or both of the partners are still married have even less chance of survival. To add to this, coach said that OM meeting W's emotional needs cannot alone make the R last -- there has to be more. And when W sees me having my picnic and being all attractive, vibrant, loving to our kids, confident, etc, she will begin to struggle with the question of whether or not she made the right choice. I don't think W is there yet at all, but from what the coach has said, I can see where this might surface down the road. Hopefully I will not have moved on...

So, there's my coaching sesh highlights. Spent so much time catching her up on all of the events over the last 6 weeks I didn't get much time to talk future strategies, solutions, etc. I think I'll call in two weeks where I'll have less to update about and more time to get down to strategizing (so I'll have time to take some notes!).

GD

I like what your thinking about saying, but I didn't see anything about trucks, fish and beer. Are you going to edit it? It looks good.

I think the coach is right, plant the seed, especially through the actions. Let her see the picnic and she will question. I would love to meet a marriage that has lasted when one spouse was in another M when it started. Ya right? You know where that R is going, and it ain't up!

Can't help you with the highlights, my license expired, but I haven't heard butt-hurt in a while. That is funny.

GD,

To be honest, you HAVE to do something. What do you have to lose? It can only affect your pride. Nothing else. If I were you, I would write this in a handwritten letter, it makes it more personal. Most people are better expressing themselves on paper versus in person. On paper, you are able to read it several times to ensure that the correct message comes across. I would write it. Just 'accidentially' leave it in a place that she will find it and don't bring it up. Your W will find it and I am sure she will think before responding. Even if she says no, don't react. Just be respectful and tell her that you understand and the door will always be open for reconciliation. I am thinking about doing this too. I gave my W an awesome letter last time that worked. I am going to open it up and re-draft it and give it to her. I am fighting for what I want. You need to do the same thing. Sitting back and hoping will not get you any where. You need to take risks! Wouldn't that be a 180 for you?

I took a little risk tonight and I was surprised. See my post.