Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Stillme & the Plan

FA , You are right .
I do believe that the LBS has to work thier way to this point though where they are realy ready to let go. That process takes time .

dave

Definitely Dave,

I tried the dating scene briefly, and found that I wasn't ready for that at all. Tried to move on in this regard and found I couldn't, and that it would just be a waste of time for those I dated.

GD

FA, Yep. It's a process. Wish I coulda just heard what I need to do & hopped on over from Step 1 to NOW. Would have saved a whole lot of, well, stuff, but all the in-between steps are really important in their own right, too, and needed to be experienced, learned from, and passed thru.

GD - Not that you're "there" yet - but that kind of explains the (what you asked about earlier) "non-dating" thing. At this stage - even w/ or ESP w/this type of GALing - I am STILL standing for my M -- and standing for my M does NOT include "dating". Like I told young-dude last night when, even after we got the S'd-but-still-M'd thing clear, he continued to push for my # (complete w/his 'reasonable' reasons): I. . .am. . .Still. . .M'd. Legally & morally; and, aside from those reasons, it would not be in any way good for my children for me to Date.

So, a "non-date" is getting benefits to your ego/PMA/worth . . . while retaining respect for yourself & your M & whatever that means to you. I can get those type of things from a crowd of strangers -- dancing is not illegal, immoral or detrimental to my children (and I stay clear of dancing 'like that' and/or w/less than respectful guys. . . I stay clear of singling anyone out or giving the wrong attention . . .There's a fine line, but it's do-able. It can also be done (tho much trickier IMO - a very slippery slope as C_K says) w/an individual person of the opp.sex. When I'm vulnerable (uh, for the past x months pretty much) is when I don't allow even the possibility of that position, but w/boundaries & honesty it can be done, too. So - "non-dating".

Kids just called an hr ago from the very same mall I was at all afternoon - and you gotta understand there are prolly 6 malls w/i an hr's drive from me! How weird would it have been to bump into each other there?! lol

Sunny, cye! Want a visitor?

And, Nomo - Yeah, I guess the Proper Authorities were notified --since they were some of the ones chatting us up!! (And nice to know: Friend A's brother turns out to the The Man who when - I mean IF - you're arrested gets to decide to let you go w/a warning or not.

Excellent. COuld you go ahead now and confirm the free passes we'll all be using in August?

Ok, finished reading Homer's e-book Stop Your Divorce! last night. Besides the fact that I couldn't stop thinking that it read like the (very) first draft of a possibly very good book, it had some true realities and excellent instructions on how to STOP your D (Note: It NEVER says it will help you BETTER your M or your R, and I think it can be used in a "Quick" Fix kind of way, you'll get the kind of R/M you want better if you follow DBing and, after re-committing by both parties, thru counseling about your particular isues.)

So, that being said, here are some notes I've made (May be the short version cuz I'm running off to church in an hr. and - Oh, S called a fdw min. ago to say, "We're not going to church this morn. b/c daddy says we're going to be busy." I said, "Okay. Well have a fun day, baby!" and ended the call.

Homer's advice (re: my sitch) - paraphrased for the most part:

Stop WANTING her... (#44)
If he's rejecting you, stop wanting him...As long as a woman is pursuing a cold man, the hostile man, he never changes towards her in becoming the warm man. But if she acts indifferent, not interested in him b/c he is a cold man, he imm. begins to respect her. He knows that he is acting cold/hostile towards her. He knows that he doesn't deserve any catering, loving treatment from her. So, when she continues in the loving treatment she's desperate to give him, he just disrespects her for pursuing him.

Tantalize, Reassure & Worry (#40)
Tantalize him w/all my virtues (intelligence, good looks, self-confidence, abilities, education, goals pursuing/attaining - anything that is attractive to the gen'l market). (These are things he knew about but has either forgotten, convinced himself were not really there in the first place, or that I've long-since 'lost' & can never have back.)

Reassure him by my actions & attitude that I am not going to get too close to him; I am not going to get possessive; not jealous; not controlling of anything in his life.

Worry him that he could lose me. . . A man does not feel he's losing his W by D'ing her b/c he's become so addicted to his picure of her clinging & begging & totally in love w/him that that's the picure controlling his emotions. He WANTS to D that clinging woman! Don't give reassurances that "nothing's going on" - that will defeat the purpose.

Totally Give Up (#38)
Thing it, and act like you've totally given up on the M. (Showing him how much your're trying & how much you want it has the neg. effect of making him move further & further away.) Until you can totally give up, pretend it. And be consistent. Say, "Sweetheart, I prefer that the M work. But you're right. It's totally impossible. So I'll help you find an apt & help you move out." By saying "I prefer that the M work", he's communicating that, b/c it's HIS decision, that he will take responsibility for what happens if they try to make it work. By saying "But you're right; it's impossible", he's not only allowing her HER decision, but hge's also NOT taking any responsibility for her decision and putting the responsibility for that decision (moving out, S, D...) ON her.

Always Agree (#6)
Stop Trying to Talk Him Into Doing/Thinking/Acting/Feeling Any Differently (#15)
Show Sympathy (#22)
Do Not Defend Yourself (#28)
Stop Trying to Talk It Out & Reason w/Her (#29)
Stop All Arguing (#35)
Take All the Blame for Anything that's Gone Wrong (#36)
[all of these are pretty much the same/work on the same theory; Here's a list of things I wrote quicky last night. Imagine what H's reaction -- what would think/feel/do if I (WHEN I) say them (and mean them!!!):

I agree - You don't love me anymore.
You deserve beter than me.
You deserve to be happy.
We both deserve to be happy.
You don't know how to stay in love forever. [Something he's said about himself, so I'm just agreeing w/him.]
You'll be better off w/o me.
You'll be happier when we're D'd.
The kids will be fine. It won't effec them at all. Alot of kids grow up w/D'd parents. They'll adjust. They're resilient.
I don't deserve anything from you.
I was the one who ruined the R.
I was an awful W.
I didn't love you enough.
I did neglect you.
We didn't have sex often enough, and it was my fault. You couldn't do anything about it.
I can understand that you can't trust me again not to hurt you. I didn't take care of your heart like I vowed, so I broke my promise and you have every right to D me for it.
I don't blame you at all.
It was all my fault, and I have only myself to blame.

It's not what I prefer, but I agree w/you that our R is totally hopeless. It's perfectly ok if you want to D me.

Hmmm, more later.

Yep, Still, I got to see this stuff in action yesterday. While I was doing nicely w/most, I made a coupla errors in that I reassured him a little too much & gave him the signal he wanted, "that he could stop pursuing so much, b/c he detected I was still wanting him."

I'm going to copy off this list to have it to refer to as well as my plan adopted from Nomo's. Only snag is finding a place to hide everything for fear they somehow find them.

I think this all makes sense for your sitch (& mine) & comes in the nick of time, if you ask me. Just as finding DB/DR & this site did.

Again, just by hearing about the GALing & change in attitude from you makes me want you , so I imagine it's going to have a huge effect on your H.

L&L,

Sunny

Here's my problem with that list of things to say from Homer (which I have not read, but have). Many of those things I just don't belive, although some I do. For example, I can easily say "I did neglect you," but I don't at all believe "It was all my fault, and I have noone to blame but myself." I don't see myself saying that. The best I could do is be quiet, listen, validate, empathize.

Here's my problem Mopo,

I keep losing my posts. I think I'll start just sending them typos & all to prevent that.

Let's see if I can get what I said back w/ a summary;

-The validating fulfill's the task I think, w/out having to say those things per se.

-It's probably not for every sitch, only the ones where the WAS has lost much "respect/interest" & would go further away if they we're applied. (ie. Still & my sitch)

-Could be more applicable to Male WAS sitch's, as the dynamics are different for the sexes. Haven't read the book though, so only a guess.

Off to submit,

Sunny

-

That makes sense.

j

This makes good sense



It so relates to my sitch right now. In fact when the gate is opened wide it becomes a lot harder for the WAS because they have to take ownership of the decision to leave.


A lot of Homers work ( not that I have read it ) seems to follow the advice given in DR .
Thank you for posting this stuff its very useful to me right now.

Dave

Dave