Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Where does he sleep?

Indy, I just posted my profile. I thought it was time to see the coincidences. My H left on Easter Sunday and yours on Mother's Day! I guess I should just focus on where he is not sleeping and that is in our home. It does not matter if he is at a relative's, with a friend, in a car, or with the OW. He is not here and he is resound to not ever sleep here. I just found out (confirmed) about the OW he denied for months but now it makes sense that sleeping here is like cheating on her. Now that just takes the cake!

D6 woke up with abdominal pains tonight. Had to call the doctor. Then called H to see what she ate on their day together, any symptoms, anyone else sick? If he was in town in case I took her in and chose not take take the baby. No he wasn't in town. If there was a hard line in case of emergency since he never answers the cell. No. Asked where he lived in case we went to the Non Emergency Night Wing in hospital, all while D6 crying in sharp pains and puking while S2 slept. No. I said are you actually living with someone already? No. OK so you just want your location to be a secret? No. Ummm... i let you know what the doctor says, don't bother driving home from wherever you are. I'll ask the neighbour ( at 11PM to watch the baby) if we go to the hospital. He did not call back so D6 started begging to call him back after each puke. He sounded agitated by this so I told her to let him go. Daddy's busy at work. I hate lying to her since it is his day off. She felt better after getting sick and fell asleep way past midnight. Hmm... Mystery continues. Where does he sleep? In his car?

Not that it makes any since, but he can lie or just not tell you where he lives, thats fine, his problem.

BUT you taking or possibly taking your daughter to the hospital at 11 at night and he does not show up at hospital or come over to watch younger one, that I would have a problem with big time. Gives us dads a bad name. If it was my son going, even if probably minor I would probably get pulled over for speeding ! ! !

My mom told me just to live like a single mom and not to involve him at all. I think she is right. If he were here things would be different but he is homeless or skanking. Either way we are not treuly coparenting yet. Has anyone worked out a good way of dealing with the coparenting?
789-It sounds like your S and my D are really having a hard time of this.

My D wears here dad's t shirts every night to bed. My bro thought it was charming but I saw it as a sign of separation anxiety. I asked the night doctor if her symptoms could have been brought on by stress or anxiety. She may need therapy too. My H's denial exascerbates our communication. So, I will not involve him in our problems and let him sleep in his car or in LaLa Land.

the one thing we are doing, at least so far, is co-parenting well. even my therapist has been impressed. its hard to get down, but its something we did instinctively. granted, mine his homeless, but living with his mom. if he suddenly moves in with ow, that will be a very different story for me. very, very different.

as hard as it is, I put the kids first, which is why he gets them fri evening-sun morning, tuesday mornings, and wedn late afternoon/evening. tues and wedn are here at the house, the rest is up at his mom's. It sucks, I didn't ask to become a part time mom, but I know my kids love him and miss him, and their needs come first.

I'm starting to look for a play therapist for my eldest. I can see some signs that this is affecting him, even though things have been fairly smooth considering. I'm trying to allow him to talk when he needs to, instead of placating him or the like, when he says he misses daddy and wants him to live here again. and I let H know what is going on w/o railing about it being his fault and such. and trust me, that part is hard...in some ways, I will never forgive him for what he is doing to my kids. I want to beat his head in with a baseball bat in fact...mama bear comes out and all that. but I control that impulse, and remember what is for the best.

still, every friday I cry my eyes out as soon as they've pulled out of the driveway. I'm a big blubbery mess.

Oh my goodness. I still have never spent the night away from my kids. I will need your support if that ever hapens and I guess that is just around the corner if this MLC/ affair continue.

HUGE QUESTION: My H is still pretty homeless and the kids and I are going on vacation. What type of boundaries do I put on my home which use dto be our home? I am so lost. I do not want a cheating lying husband who may be on drugs to enter my house when I am not here. I also do not want to send the message that this is no longer his home. I do not expect a miracle, but actually thought if I ordered digital cable and clean out the garage he would see this as a more inviting home to come back to. Crazy? I have no idea if he is on drugs or serious about this OW.. I assume the worst but who knows? I do not want him using my bed or home to meet with anyone.

I think that is only a question you can answer. I understand your way of not wanting him to be their while you are gone. On the other hand you are still wanting to work this out and stay married. Can you have him stay at the house with some basic ground rules. I realize putting up some rules may sound bad especially if you are not sure he is or is not doing drugs. Your house though would have and occupant and that is better than leaving empty. It could also show that you are not completely against him and maybe a taste of home for a bit would wake him up.
When I first got my apartment and the wife would go out of town for a weekend or anything she would always tell me to stay at the house. Mind you it is her that wants to be separated/divorced and I have no OW or drug usage to have her worry about.

It sucks and hurts.
The only thing that helps my mind is knowing my wife is not turning him against me and he is her life, so I never fear he is in any type of danger. Also remember that what ever happens between the two of you should make no difference in how either of you treat your kids or talk about each other around the kids You are both parents and need to treat it that way.

Thanks for the sound advice. I am usually the one my friends turn to but lately I have swiss cheese brain. I drove to the wrong work site one day, forgot to drop off the kids the other day, left the stove on low for two hours!! This is getting a little dangerous for me. I need to stay focused.

This may not be DBing but I asked my H what his plans were for the house this week as I am on vacation. I told him that both neighbours would check in with the lights and mail and have the keys. I told him he could check in but it was not necessary. THE non DBing part begins here: I said I did not know how I felt about him being in the home. It was weird because he betrayed me and I don't trust him. I don't want him bringing his girlfriend here. He said he would never disrespect me like that. I shot back that having an affair when you are still married is disrespectful and is he really calling her his "girlfriend" because that is more serious than just going on dates with someone new. Downward spiral began there. So basically he relayed that he does not plan to live with her, it is not serious, they just started dating a few weeks ago, he cares about her, he said he does not love her, then he corrected himself and said I don't know. That was the sword through my heart. I asked what do her parents think? Has he met her parents? What can they think of a daughter who dates a much older married man with small children. More spiral. DB out the window. He said her dad died when she was 16 and her mom has problems. so I said she has "Daddy Issues" When was she born? In the 80's? Are you sleeping with her? How can you not see this as cheating? Blah, blah, blah. I stopped and made dinner and acted like it never happened. he must think I am crazy. His apathy is the worst thing. it is way beyond anger. It is like he has no soul when he is in my presence. i do not inspire any ounce of kindness or empathy. I am just a reminder of his guilt and loss. gets worse.