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Nomopo thanks for the resoponse. To answer your questions, we live in the Boston area.

Yes I have lost attraction to my DH, not because he not attractive. He has recently taken up working out and jogging and is in better shape than ever, lost 40 lbs, doing his hair, dressing better. This in itself is worrisome as it hints at an affair on his part but I have no reasons to suspect that but boy these websites make a person wonder!

It makes me very sad that I cringe at the thought of being itimate with him. Since I do find him attractive I am sure these feelings could/would return if we made progress on the emotional issues. I guess I am the typical woman that one is tied to the other. I have never told him that I have lost the attraction, although we have only been intimate once in over 8 months so I am sure this is no surprise. For the record, I am also very fit and been told I am attractive so its not a situation where I have let myself go or anything.

No I haven't intentionally said anything to test him. Just not my style. Its hard enough getting a response to real statements. I have never told him that there is no hope or that it was over or even that I wanted a divorce. I did say I needed space and we may need a temporary separation in order for me to get over the resentment/anger/frustration and be able to open up again. But I haven't given him false hopes either. He has stated several times that he could be wasting his time trying to make me happy when in the end it might not work. I agreed and told him he was right, it is possible that nothing he does will make me happy but unless we try and work it out we will never know.

I do appreciate all the input. It takes strong people to seek out help in saving their marriage and I applaud you all no matter what side you are on, WAS/LBS.

"I agreed and told him he was right, it is possible that nothing he does will make me happy but unless we try and work it out we will never know."

WAW,

I know this is hard to hear but i think it is important. No one makes us happy. No one is our happiness or defines our happiness. You have to be happy alone, recognize and identify your needs, learn to communicate them effectively, learn the needs of your spouse and want to love your spouse in the way that he needs to be loved, and then you share your happiness with another and find fulfillment beyond your individual happiness in a relationship with someone. No one has the power to make you happy or truly to make you unhappy. It is all within you. I know that sounds like a load of crap and for a long time I didn't get that and didn't really realize it or understand it but I truly get it now and believe it. You are in control of your happiness. If you want this to get better, I really believe it will. In the end it takes two people to work on the marriage, but so much of your happiness and your needs have nothing to do with your marriage and that is the part to really focus on first. Identify your own needs for happiness (individually) and then your needs from a spouse. Identify your h's needs and how you have done in meeting them and then go from there. The 5 Love Languages is a good book to start with.

You can do this!
Also, if you need some positive energy. Read the book The Secret. It's about thinking positively and being grateful for what you have in your life.

I believe in you.

Thanks WAW1978 for the response. Very helpful to me, and very much appreciated. I hope you will stick around and keep posting. I'm going to start a new thread to see if anyone knows a good solutions-based, goal-oriented, pro-M therapist in the Boston area (I'm sure there is at least one! ).

Nomopo

Didn't I read somewhere that if you call Michele (DB office), it's poss she/they may have a SBMT in [whatever area you need?

stillme,

Good question -- I'd like to know if this is true, too.

Yes, they will try, but I had no luck in Houston. I almost got the sense they wanted me to sign up for coaching instead, because the therapist I finally found had trained with Michele and they didn't give me her name.

WAW1978 - worth a call to the DB headquarters for sure.

From Kman on the other thread I started:



Also, the way I found my therapist was to google "solution based goal oriented pro marriage houston texas save therapy" or something like that, and I found a therpaist who had a website that mentioned that she used a solutions-based, goal oriented approach. She also had a recommended reading list and it had Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busters.

Good luck with the search WAW1978 - having a good therapist is critical. If you start with one and don't like him/her, CHANGE!!!

Nomopo

Thank you for the suggestions for finding an MC. My DH found one in our local area that he seems to like. Apparently that had a good repore on the phone. I know its a man but I have no idea what kind of MC he is. I do know that he was on the list from our health insurance...but if he doesn't seem pro-marriage or solutions based I will def try another right away.

I did spend last night at my parents house. I did miss my D4 & my dog but felt more at ease not having to deal with DH. Certainly gave me an idea about what D would be like and not having my child with me all the time. I didn't like that at all. More motivation to do whatever necessary to work this out.

PS I called DH to see how the night went and check in on D4 and apparently my DH had some type of emotional breakdown last night while I was at my parents and had my in-laws over till 2 AM. This scared D4 and she ended up wetting her bed, which she never does. I am happy his parents are there for him but I am worried how this is impacting my little one. DH will not let me take her out of the house and I agreed as I thought she would feel more secure staying in our home while we were sorting this out. But now I am not so sure. Also DH immediately is jumping to the conclusion that since I need space *I* am having an affair.

I can't help but wonder if he is trying to guilt me into staying in the home since he wasn't very receptive to my having time away in the first place.

Help me out here. I want to keep communication open with him but not if I am going to be accused of things and guilted about my decision. It certainly did not make me feel any fonder of him.

I have to get back to your PS later, but wanted to add on a therapist that at a minimum found out if the C has had training specific to couples. Most haven't. Don't just go to a traditional, indiv. therapist who has worked with couples.