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Theoden,
Thanks for the insight. I do feel that I am at least back in control of my life to a large extent. Because of the kids, there is a limit to this control, but that's life!

I completely agree with your assessment of her situation. I can only think that this is God's way of teaching me to be more patient and to really listen to what is going on in the lives of those around me. What His plan for her might be, I can only fathom!

I think baby steps in B will eventually lead to C, and started this a bit with the convo on her 'plan'.


I will be the rock! I just wish I had the slightest clue as to how to be her lifeline. It is so hard to watch someone who you love (or at least loved) destroy themselves.


I am getting there, but still have to work on this.

Thanks, SD

Stillme,

I am GALing, just with a different goal. That is to: Be the Man that I Want to Be!

If she finds this man attractive, then she can pursue him. If not, then so be it.

My main GAL activities have been:
1. Training for triathlon in the fall.
2. Started playing violin again and am teaching S8 at his request.
3. Outdoor activities with the kids. I have been canoeing at Wikeiwa with both S's, beach day-trip with S8, and 3 days at beach with whole family in the past month.

I have also taken more interest in my appearance, got my haircut differently, have bought some new clothes, etc. This works esp. with the fact that I am nearly back in shape and am tan from the GALing. (I could stand to put on a few more pounds of muscle, but working on that!)

Interestingly, my W is about the only one who has not noticed, been interested by these changes. Several of her friends have told me that (a) they told her that I am a great catch and that she is a fool for throwing our M away and (b) if they weren't married, they would be pursuing me.

This is flattering, but also reinforces my knowledge that her problems do not really relate to me nor how "attractive" I might be. Despite her assertions to the contrary!

Thanks again for the support,
SD

Journalling:
July 13-15th: Drove to FL Panhandle and stayed on the beach. It was really beautiful and I had a great time, playing with kids, eating great seafood, etc. W was there and it was not unpleasant. We of course slept in separate beds, each with 1 of the boys. She and I shared a glass of wine on the balcony on both of the evenings which was pleasant, but uneventful.

Two things of note happened:
1. We had very different ideas about when we would leave on Sun. (she wanted to go at 6 am, me at 11am). Her motive was that she wanted to get to her sister's earlier which was another 2.5 hr drive beyond my parents, where she was dropping us off.

She first mentioned this when we arrived on Fri. I told her that we could talk about it later and I did not want to start the weekend with an arguement, but rather wanted to enjoy it! (Strike when the iron is cold!)

On sat. evening we discussed it again and came to a compromise to leave after we had breakfast and went for a walk on the beach. Low stress, compromise is a totally new thing in our 15 years of marriage. Usually one of us gets their way and the other resents it (usually me). A nice baby step I think.

2. I started initiating light physical contact, with no follow up other than maybe eye contact. Once on the balcony at sunset and once in the car ride to TX. She did not respond negatively, but also did not say anything at all. In the car, I gently ran my finger under her chin as she was driving and I was sitting in the passenger seat, looking at her profile. She looked over in my eyes and gave a cute look, but did not say anything. I then diverted my attention to the kids.

This is an experiment that I am hoping will confuse her a bit and hopefully add to her questioning her decision to drop out of our R. I am trying to add in a bit of flirting, just like if I were trying to move from friendship to dating in another relationship, but to do it in a casual way. I also am going to do this with other women when the opportunity presents itself, so that she sees that I am ready to go to the next step.

In the meantime, she dropped me and the kids off at my parents and I have left on my business trip. I will not call her at all on the trip and will communicate via email, only as required to work out our plans for the next weeks in TX.

As for GALing, I am still a bit jet lagged, but plan on a big weekend (travel from Berlin to Prague with some friends and then fly back to Cologne to go back to work on Sun.).

In my free time, I am trying to work on assessing the status of my goals and revise them (it has been 4 months since I first set them and progress has been about 50/50). I will post this in my next journal entry.

As always, I appreciate your input.

SD

Hey SD, just checking in.
Sounds like decent trip!
Long trip for you? Me too recently.

Have on on question for you, my W has pt no pot plans other than to take kids to Dallas again this summer w/o me. I want to go on on on vacation w/kids at the minimum and wondering how i could bring this up w/ her? It just feels very weird to say, "well, i have made xyz plans for on on vacation without you???"
Help!

SD

It is good to read that you are trying different things, it goes well with the cheeseless tunnels idea.
We will be watching from the sidelines with interest.

Dave

CVA,
When I made the plans to go to the beach, I told my W: "I am going to drive to TX with the kids. We are going to stop for a few days at the beach on the way. You are welcome to join us if you like."

At that time, it was not clear that she would drive with us at all because she had a ticket already to fly from FL to TX and could have picked up the kids from my parents later in the week, as planned. Nevertheless, for what ever reason she decided to join us.

I am not sure about your R history, but this was a huge problem in our R that I would try to convince her to do stuff with me and then try to modify the plans to fit her desires when she really did not what to do anything at all. Now, I just state what I am going to do and leave it up to her whether she wants to join in. This has been a great 180 for me and has dramatically reduced the stress in our lives. It even has worked with the kids! This could be a good experiment for you too try as well if you have a similar history.

The trip is going good and is 2 weeks long, so not too bad. Will have a fun weekend at least!

SD

Hey SD,

I've started reading your thread now and don't know a whole lot about your sitch. I just wanted you to know I'm following you and will chime in once I get a better feel for it all. Sounds like the 180 with your planning things w/out W's expected involvement is going well though.

Here's to continued success and the constant revisiting and re-evaluation of goals! [clink!]

GD

Thanks GD,
I have little time right now, but I did check out your thread. Sounds like you have a solid, plan and have defined your "give up and move on criterion". I am not quite there yet, but will have to think about this as part of my goal adjustment efforts!

In other news, I just got back to Germany from Prague. I was last there in 1992 and it is like night and day. Still a really beautiful city, but no longer the cheap students/artist/musician haven that it was back then. Well, I guess everything does have to change!

Anyway, got to run.
SD

That is a long, long trip. I have done it. Actually Hungary but...one day in and out. Get some rest.

CVA

SD,

I like the "leading" and "doing" with an invitiation rather than pleading or arguing.

--Theoden