Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Gone Dancin's Dilemma, 2

Thanks guys -- I'd still like more opinions (one from sunny now would be nice to! hint, hint).

I guess a week or two away (Aug 16th is the day) from the signing wouldn't be too bad, but that doesn't give me much time in between to be dark again following our recent conversation. But, what do I have to lose, right? (that's becoming my mantra) I can always pull back and do what I've been doing post-D (I'm finally realizing this Nomes), so why not just go for the gusto and lay it all out on the table one last time before D day!

Please, any and all who want to give their two cents, no matter what it is...

GD

You've been dark enough, IMO, and you're still pretty gray. I'd spend the next few weeks about like you've been going, but still looking for little, subtle opportunities to throw some PLL her way (WOAs, right?).

Just my 2 cents.

Nomo

PS - Paging Dr. Sunny!

How long does it take for a D to be final in Texas?

I have no idea. Haven't thought about it yet. Hopefully will never have to.

Nomo

PS - my W may know. Want me to ask her?

Hi GD,

Think you made the right decision re;plea. You're on a roll!

I guess it was my idea, & still consider it to be a good one.

Last week I was talking to someone I was engaged to almost 10 yrs ago & we were talking about our breakup (he left). He told me that 6 months after, when he came by to drop off all my remaining belongings, he wanted to ask me if I would take him back, but was too afraid I would say, "No, too many things have happened". If he would have said that, I would have taken him back. So......10 yrs later I find that out. Whenever I would run into him over the years, I thought that was the case, just didn't ever hear it expressed.


My point is, why not take the chance? What's the worst that could happen? You get a D?

I agree w/ CVA & Nomo, keep up the WOA (the kids provide an excellent opportunity, like Nomo says). No pressure (;-/), just don't lose your cool at all during the next few weeks.
I can see how far you've come just in the last few months..turn some of that charm her way & go dark/grey afterwards if you have to.

You don't mention what effect the Dui's had on her, I'm betting they caused a lot of anguish & if she doesn't show much emotion, you'd never really know.

Show her as much of the new/improved/responsible/strong man you have become.

I still don't think the OM is an issue, just a gut feeling o/c.

Think of some ways to do it, & run it by here 1st if ya can.

L&L,

Sunny

GD

sunny is on to something here. I think at some stage I will also need to let W know that the door is still open to discussing a reconciliation.
I am not sure how yet.
For now she will have seen someone who has been willing to let her go , even helped to shift her out. When she has been by she sees a happy person adjusting to being without her well.
Her guilt about OM is what forced her to move out there is no way she could have stayed and continued with him once I knew.
Even if they have broken it off ( which is possible) she still needed to get out.
But then I also need to get over the lies , the pain of what she has done to me and this will take time.
To your W right now fixing whats been done will look impossible.

You need to show forgiveness and gently show her the way home. She may chose not to follow but its one more thing to try.

Dave

You are all such great help -- I don't know what I'd do without you (sniff, sniff)!

Thanks Cupcake!

It is interesting what you said about your ex-fiance. However, I think it is more common for WA men than WA women to want to come back -- do you agree with me on this?

However, the story does boost the PMA and makes me want to give it a go. I mean, why the hell not, right? I figure that if she turns me down, I would also tell her that I wouldn't be opposed to working on it sometime down the road if her R with OM doesn't pan out. That we could take it nice and slow with a clean slate, no expectations, strings attached, etc. Tell her that all she would have to do is let me know if she ever wanted to give that a go, and I would be all ears. Of course, I will have to say all of this with an upbeat, happy, and confident attitude. Don't know if I should add anything like "as long as I haven't moved on" into it though. Thoughts on all of this?



I guess I'm just concerned about pushing and thereby delaying any possible reconciliation. I know I shouldn't, but that has been my frame of mind. I'll stop doing that -- I know Michele says don't worry about making mistakes.



sunny -- could you elaborate on what you mean by "lose my cool," just so I'm sure about what you're saying?



What charm? I'm not sure what that would be either. I don't believe I have any "charm". Dang I need help!



Ever since I had my bout with depression over my mom dying back in 2000 and drank heavily for a spell, my drinking has been a huge issue with her. Even 6 yrs later, me just having one beer put her on edge, because she never knew what she was going to get from me. One false step (could be something completely okay, too) and I might fly off the handle. My last DUI prior to this one was in April 2001, which helped me to calm down and pretty much stop drinking altogether.

When I got my recent one, I was rarely going out and drinking. I NEVER drink at home, and only ever did on a Fri/Sat night with friends when I didn't have to have the kids the next morning. My friend whose fiance is good friends and works with my wife (and in the same dept as OM), said that when they watched my arrest on the news back in March, he saw my W's jaw drop and tears well up in her eyes. I don't know what this all meant and the reasons behind her being upset, and don't know if I ever will. But I do know that she wasn't mean about it -- didn't belittle me or put me down, scoff at me and my actions, etc. I guess that counts for something.

I also know that early in the sep that W had mentioned to them that she was really surprised at the way I had behaved and how I had helped her out, and never thought I would do all of that for her. I also know that when I went really dark for a good 2-3 months, she actually asked my friend if I was dating (still not sure if this was to find out whether or not she could begin dating OM or not -- don't know the motivation behind this one).



HOW?!?! I don't have any opportunities to!!!



I wish your "gut" had some reasons to back it up!

Thanks for your help, Dr. Sunny -- if you could help me out with the above questions and statements stemming from you last post, it would be much appreciated.

BTW, what are you charging by the hour?

GD

Mind if I cut in you two?



I don't. Why would that be?



I like this. I'd also try to work the clean slate idea into the talk in two-to-three weeks, since she has used those words/ideas.



I don't like the idea of saying ever - sounds a little desperate. Stick with down the road and then just be silent. It's unspoken, but surely known, that you could move on. Go with silence.



I don't see your fear here as being reasonable. I'd say let this go totally. Michele also says lose your solutions blockers and start with a beginner's mind.



BS. Your charm oozes out on this board. Seriously. Ladies, am I right?



I think she cared about you.



Great!



Just like you are now, plus a little more PLL. Yes you do, with the kid exchange and issues.

Hope it helps,
Nomopo

PS - sorry to interrupt Sunny!

Nomes,





I say this because of something I read from one of the books I've recently read. It talked about how men are much less likely to enjoy being on their own once they've left. It goes on to say that women are usually much stronger in this regard. In thinking on this myself, I tend to see some truth to this, esp when the LBW begin seeing another man or the WAH believe this is happening (look at sunny's H or chicki's H for confirmation on this). That gets the WAH worked up and causes them to grasp at the rope that is slipping away. Of course, this is just my opinion, but these are my reasons for having it.



I can go with that -- sunny...?



Ha! Thanks for the boost of PMA, but I think this is "BS"! Ladies, am I right?

Thanks Nomes -- as always, your insight is much appreciated. Now if I can only get some feedback from Dr. Cupcake -- er, I mean Dr. Sunny!

GD

Cupcake running out the door for quick workout & will chk in ASAP.

Quickly tho;

You have tons of charm, plus you're incredibly witty. That hooks me immediately & I'm sure I can't be that different than other women.

Strong+Funny+Smart=Women Catcher

I agree w/Nomo...Don't think there's a difference in men & women returning, or if there is, don't think it's significant.

Besides, they're polly going by men who haven't been exposed to the intense DB skills you have been learning & adopting, so, mute point, no?

Back Soon,

Sunny